Faikakala

Good stuff.

2012-02-16T00:10:00.000-10:00

In the chaotic blur of my life, in between the baby and thework and the husband and the dishes, moments of serenity and relaxation existonly in my dreams, if I ever slept long enough to have any. So I’ve really cometo appreciate the little things, which give me even for a fleeting moment asense of (relative) sanity. Here’s a few of those “little things”.

1. Instagram. I’m addicted to this iPhone app which (if youlive under a rock and) don’t know what it is, it’s a photography app that letsyou apply cool filters to your pics and share them. What this really does ismomentarily make you believe that you’re an amazing photographer and youbelieve for a moment that - like, maybe you really could take up a career in it.All without actually spending a dime on expensive photography equipment oranytime in a photo studio or even having a creative bone in your body. Its likecreative crack. For lazy poor, not so creative people.

Here's a shot of Pago Harbor from today's flight.

2. When my husband tells me I look beautiful even though Iclearly look like crap.

3. 30 minutes in the clouds. Now I fly frequently betweenTutuila & Upolu (at least once every two weeks) and it’s a huge productionevery time because I travel with my infant daughter and with my obsessivecompulsive need to over pack in case of every possible scenario that will nevereventuate (What if our flight gets delayed for 72 hours and they don’t let us leave the airport, I better pack enoughclothes & milk in our carry-on for 3 days, juust in case. BUT, once we arein the air, my daughter falls asleep like clockwork. I could almost swear therewas some kind of baby sedative element in the air above a certain altitude, andthere for 30 minutes, I don’t have to respond to emails or take calls or packor unpack or even talk. Just 30 minutes of peace and clouds.

It was a beautiful day to fly today.

4. Reading a funny tweet, blog or facebook status.

5. Coffee & Cake. In no particular order and preferablytogether and in copius amounts.

6. Rediscovering my stiletto collection. Dusting them off andrediscovering my appreciation of them. Feeling what sense of practicality andregard for my podiatric comfort motherhood might have afforded me turn to waterand eventually evaporate. And feelingdeep within the pit of my soul the gentle revival of the familiar excitementthat only the love hate relationship of having ridiculously uncomfortable shoescan bring you.

7. A wish I could say - the satisfaction and endorphins of agood work out but I am currently experiencing allergic reactions to exercise.And the outlook is glum. No recovery in the foreseeable future.

8. Siri. (the iPhone 4S personal assistant.) In particular, asking her stupid questions and thenlaughing riotously at her witty responses. Rinse repeat. I am easily amusedlike that.

9. Air Conditioning. Because gotdamn I almost melted out theretoday.

I'm alive!

2012-01-25T22:30:00.000-10:00

Everyone but me at my house has gone to sleep, and it's only 8.45pm. Is this what married, mommy-hood is going to be like? I am both insanely bored and secretly thrilled at the outlook. Bored because, 8.45pm isn't that still prime time? And secretly thrilled because I'm now thinking of late night spa sessions, online shopping... and all the "me-time" prospects that now avail themselves to me.

So in spite of my absence (My sincerest apologies I know you all missed me dreadfully) I did manage to make it through the last two completely insane months of ~~work~~ my life and managed to make it to my wedding with just enough energy to utter "I do".

I've little to say about work other than I'm still recovering and this year's workload will more than likely be busier, so bring on the ~~vodka~~ challenges. In my job I'm in a constant state of having a split second to celebrate a milestone/ achievement only for it to be completely eclipsed by the amount of work we now have to do to chase it up. It's hard work. One day, when the stress has me popping pills with vodka at the ripe old age of 35, I'll regret it, but for now - what the hell, I live for it.

My daughter continues to be my bottomless source of joy and "silver lining", though she is becoming expensive to maintain having chewed her way through 2 of my smartphones, doing damange to my laptop and breaking my gold bracelets, chain and earrings. Lucky for her, her reserves of cuteness outweigh the costs of these measily material things. For now anyway.

I still love watching her grow. She is quite independent, refuses to eat unless she feeds herself, refuses puree'd baby food - wants grow up food, she is super chatty and especially loves being the center of attention. I already see her fiery Aries qualities. She made a few of her bigger cousins cry because she yanked them by the collar when she tried to kiss them. She obviously had too much lovin' for these poor tots. Do you, baby girl. Do you. Lol

So she is independent, social, bossy and has a penchant for expensive toys. Hmmmm. No, that doesn't remind me of anyone I know.

I'm surprisingly enjoying married life. And I'm not surprised because I was secretl dreading it (ahem) I'm surprised because I didn't have much of an expectation of change. We have been living together for (ahem) several years and I thought - well how different could it be? But it in it's own subtle way, it is. There is just something about being in a union that is ordained by God and Law that brings with it an element of security, love and family, which to be perfectly honest I hadn't quite considered until just leading up to it. However, I'm well aware - we are still fresh in the game. I'm taking a pragmatic approach to marriage, I say today when we're a good 3 weeks into it, all we can really do is throw caution to the wind and pray the future is kind to us.

2011 was one hell of a year for me. I came out of it with more responsibilities at work (I'm now based in two countries) , a baby, and a husband, not to mention 2 stepsons (that's for another blog). Something tells me 2012 is going to be even crazier, and even better.

Happy New Year. Better late than never eh. lol

I should read more.

2011-11-30T22:16:00.001-10:00

The extent of my leisurely reading lately has been limited, to say the least, and poor to say the truth. I read emails, project plans, and the occasional blog as I usually find myself watching reality TV to numb my brain when I'm not working or breastfeeding.

I'm having an inward pity party as I write this because I was one of this kids that skipped class and hid in the library, that read everything I could get my hands on including novels, short stories and old editions of Reader's Digest & National Geographic.

I'm not sure when it all went awry, though I suspect I might have become pre-occupied with alcohol and dancing with skinny heels on tabletops.

I recently finished reading Telesa, The Covenant Keeper by Lani Wendt Young. And it took me back to those stolen hours in the library as a kid reading Enid Blyton books. It was a reminder to me, in this age of the Internet, of Hulu & of 3D movies and series galore, of just what a great escape a good book can be.

I should really read more. Lol

The secret (my version)

2011-10-16T20:21:00.001-10:00

The problem with thinking you can do everything (with a smile on your face) is that too often you take on too many responsibilities, spread yourself too thin, and in the end nothing gets done and if you're lucky like me, you make things that were perfectly fine, worse.

Over the last few months - I've found myself just constantly in motion, doing what needed doing - mothering, working, wedding planning and all the rest of it. Naievely I've been relying on the endorphins of motherhood to pull me through. "My child's smile gets me through." What a crock of shit. Another thing I'm pissed they didn't include in the book. They need to write in there that as happy as your child's smile makes you, endorphins don't pay bills, or write project plans or change diapers.

When I think back on it - what have I been so busy achieving? What have I been losing sleep and getting fat over? And what have I to show for it? Half made wedding plans? Part executed work plans and mistakes that cost more than I make in a year? A family split between two countries with two houses to clean, two pantries to stock with groceries and two babysitters to pay? A permanent migraine?
Months back when I proudly embraced the title "working mom", somehow, this isn't what I had envisioned. It's not what I signed up for. It's not.

Or is it?

Hate me if you will, but I'm one of those stinkingly positive people that lives life believing I can do anything I put my mind to. I pretty much always see the silver lining (after I bitch on here about it) and when I'm faced with a new challenge I think of that quote by Marianne Williamson (made famous by Nelson Mandela.) The one that starts "Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate..." The line I often think of is "Your playing small does not serve the world." Which to me right now, just sounds assenine because I'm basically saying " Yes world, I'm being amazing for you...you're welcome." Though I suspect I'm not so selfless.

I've been pushing myself to the point of exhaustion often thinking quite self importantly to myself - "well somebody's got to do it." And that somebody (by my own selection) pretty much always ends up being me. This whole line of thinking I've had has the familiar stench of a saviour complex. A savior complex being that you feel responsible to save everbody/ thing, irrespective of whether or not you are able to. The message I'm perpetuating being "Only I can do this and that and everything else, nobody else will do". I'm seriously considering here that I am responsible for my own misery here. So yes, added to the fact that I'm in the shit, it's also my fault.

The saving grace of this whole sordid account is this. That if am responsible for my misery than I can be responsible for its undoing. It means I can take control. Having control means you can change course and the quickest way to go somewhere is to put one foot in front of the other. In other words, just doing it.

Plan the wedding. Lose the weight. Ask for help. Step down when its the right thing to do. Be more cautious. Delegate. Discuss. Prioritize a good nights sleep. Make demands to meet your needs. Own your mistakes. And then move on. After all, you are only as good as your next performance.

You're probably thinking - so that's the big secret? "Just do it" - how disappointingly not profound. Lol But even though it's overly simplistic and much easier said than done - it's also true. And no that's not mysecret, it's this: You are always in control. Even if it doesn't seem like it. Accepting that you are always at the helm of your own destiny makes you take responsibility for your own role in your circumstances but perhaps more importantly it empowers you to take control and CHANGE the things that are making you unhappy.

That's what I'm going to be doing. Wish me luck.

Disclaimer: I've never read/ watched The Secret - I just liked the image here. Also, this is my shit, it may not work for you.

Running on empty

2011-10-06T17:25:00.002-10:00

I'm. Tired.

I've always been pretty good at "soldiering on" in the face of adversity but today just feels like the longest day. EVER. Truth be told, this whole past couple of weeks has been pretty dragging ass.

I feel like a zombie and my body is acting strangely like it can't decide whether it's sick or not. I guess my body is growing weary of my constant pushing through the familiar feeling of exhaustion & fatigue. It feels as though my brain is working on 15% and the challenge I'm most aware of is keeping my eyes open and myself upright as I try to whittle away at the piles and piles of work fodder before me. Not to mention the big Samoan wedding plans and my amazing weightloss which has yet to materialize. Liposuction looking like a possibility at this point. That or bulimia. Who am I kidding? When could I ever get bulimia? Lol What an idiotic thought. Proof I'm not completely delusional just yet. Phew - silver lining, if ever there was any.

Could this be post RWC depression? Well, truth be told I'd rather not talk about the flipping RWC anymore. Too much cheating and tweeting if you ask me, not enough rugby. Too much media-whoring and not enough scoring. There, that's my lone statement.

In other sad news this week, the world lost Steve Jobs - the founder and long time CEO of Apple. Being that I have an unhealthy relationship with my iPhone - I have to hand it to the man for creating such a great product.

Speaking of great products - Lili turned 6 months this week. lol I count my lucky stars each day for her. I've said it before and I'll say it again - I never knew I could have a reason that would make this whole running on empty life I'm living, worth it.

That said. Please Lord. Bring me the weekend. Now.

Heaven & Heartbreak at the Rugby World Cup

2011-09-20T23:17:00.004-10:00

The Rugby World Cup started at the beginning of the month in New Zealand and bar one game that shall not be spoken of against a Welsh team, I have been in absolute heaven following the rugby. It certainly helps that there are some hot asses running around in booty shorts, not to mention torn shirts! (you were thinking it!).

I am loving Japan - Falefatu scoring against France. Woohoo! Though I expected them to do better against the AB's, then again, it is the ABs - they are famous for starting the World Cup as favorites. Australia lost to Ireland which pretty much seals Robbie Deans fate after this World Cup. Quade Cooper earning most hated player status before Tasesa's stunning performance on Sunday. USA Eagles are playing well too, with the Suniula brothers and Ata Malifa leading the way. Tonga finally posted a win tonight against a hard playing Japan side after losing to Canada last week (what happened there Ikale Tahi?) I love seeing the minnow teams step up this tournament and give some of the Tier 1's a run for their money. Yes, I am delighting a little in the power shift.

Back to the Voldemort of matches. I made the trip to H Town with my brother and Dad - die hard fans, left early in the morning absolutely pumped, arrived with blue jerseys, flags in tow and painted faces at the stadium before it even opened. Went to a bar instead (naturally) and saw as many Samoans there as I would at V Bar and laughed and cheered as other drunk blue jerseys taunted the Welsh fans who were quietly enjoying their beers. "We're eating dragon tonight" I believe, one of my friends said. Well, we all know who had the last laugh.

As luck would have it we were seated deep in red territory which of course I took as my calling to be defiant in the face of red. This meant I watched the game intently with one eye and gave a gnarly stare down to neighboring red jerseys with my other eye. Up until the dying moment of the game, it was absolutely epic. It was regrettably followed by crushing disappointment and a long, quiet drive back to Auckland, smeared face paint, short tempers, cuss-words, long faces and - you get the picture. I'm not ashamed to say it, it may have been that the face paint got in my eye but there may have been tear shed. (Lol!)

Hottest ass in the RWC2011: Paul Williams. (We hereby forgive your mediocre kicking performance against Wales. Not!)

The immediate reactions of embittered fans (and players - ahem Eliota) were of course to kill Tasesa, fasi the ref and then slander the IRB on Twitter, but you know, two days on, I've come to terms with it. As bitter a pill as it is to swallow, it's the truth, we lost. Deal with It. Next game. (Can you tell I'm still hurting!? Lol)

Sigh. (There have been many)

I digress. It really is time for us (when I say us, I mean me) to pull up our big girl panties pull yourself together, turn off the pity party sound track (shit, it's just a game), build the bridge and get over it. New focus is on serving it to Fiji and the Boks. And it goes without saying that I will cheer just as hard this weekend. In the words of 1991 Manu Samoa player Keneti Sio - "A le ato'atoa lou loto, avatu ma lo'u loto lea." "If you don't have enough heart, take mine!" GO THE MANU!

A few things.

2011-08-16T21:15:00.002-10:00

1. It goes without saying that there's been a sad effort on my part to keep the blog updated. Mostly owed to the fact that I barely have time to zip up my pants before I go to work, let alone blog about it. Buuut, I'll own the fact that my going rate of 1 post a month, is in fact quite poor. Particularly considering the recent resurgence of the blog phenomena marked by the awesome work of fabulous Samoan lady bloggers Sleepless, Goddess, Coconut, Teine Samoa, Jandal, Libertine In Dreams, Malelega, Rock-Fob, Stella, Swisshamo, Perpetual Drifter, Reesa, Nets, its just moi and of course Kuaback I swear I'll update my links on my page soon to include you all :)

2. Speaking of lady bloggers, I (undeservingly) got mentioned for one of these Liebster Blog Award thingies.

Thanks for the love ladies :) A few rules:
The rules of the award are:
1. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you. Thank you to Teine Samoa for the shout out :)
2. Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
3. Copy and paste the award on your blog.
4. Have faith that your followers will spread the love to other bloggers.
5. And most of all - have bloggity-blog fun.

Here are my top 5:
i) Sleepless,  - She's been nominated out of her ears so this is just icing for her but deservedly so. Her wit and humor come through to make all her posts so funny and relatable. Also a consistent updater! And tell me why her posts about her kids, crazy as they are, stir something in me that makes me want to quit the job and have a bunch of kids! Lol Also my former English teacher who made me love Symbolism and American classics (like Of Mice & Men & To Kill a Mockingbird). (Sorry had to throw that in there! :))

ii) Coconut,- Simply because, the woman has no fear, obviously the musings on Hi-5 didn't deter her from dishing the dirt that we all know we love to hear. Lol

iii) Fagogo Mai Samoa - Again, fearless (not surprisingly related to Coconut above) in her blatant disdain for lousy local journalism and the tactless corruption rampant in local government. lol. Always entertaining. Also because we share the name and because we've been on the blogs for what seems like forever. Sistahood of the blogging ie lavalava la lea.

iv)  Teine Samoa- Because (like she said also) it just feels like we're going through the same thing and I just find myself laughing and nodding the entire time I read her posts. I recall not too long ago sharing a Vailima with her at my cousins house discussing careers and travel plans and who would have thought we'd be here now. I can sense her nodding as she reads this. Lol

v)  Musings from da bush! - because she's writing from my home (Go Savaii!), There's always entertainment when the bush folks are involved. Also identify with many of her experiences with the village pipo. Worth nothing that her disregard for spelling and grammar (obviously by choice!) also make for an interesting reading experience. Lol Also an O.G blogger from long chimes ago.

Certainly love the rest of you too!

3. I guess the status update is: I'm still alive. Anticipated breakdown happened but I found that it went as quickly as it came. Surprisingly, it didn't kill me so here I am.

4. The Boogie is great. She's currently experimenting with how many decibels she can belt out of her pint sized abdomen. Had a few constipation mishaps but nothing serious. Bless.

5. Well, there is really more of the same going on in my life. Work, travel, juggling priorities, trying to plan a wedding, buy a dress and lose weight to fit in to said dress for said wedding. Progress on Operation Wedding Bod - I purchased a snazzy new pair of Puma runners. I've used them once and I busted both big toes. So now, I'm walking around with black big toenails. #Fail

6. I am supported in my endeavors by an ever so kind man whose patience knows no bounds. Okay I lie, he has his limits, though I generally ignore them. In any case, he deserves a bullet point here, be it No.6.

7. When I'm up this late (8.57pm) I get anxiety attacks for not getting sleep (though I think that's been a consistent theme in my recent (monthly) blogs). Hmmmm, perhaps a sign to try anti-anxiety medication?

8. Speaking of anti-anxiety meds, I had my first glass of alcohol on Saturday. It took my friends a grand total of 30 mins to convince me, and yes, they had to um, really twist my arm to do it. I had about a 3rd of a glass of Oyster Bay Sav. I swear I felt dizzy after the 2nd sip so I stopped. I'm certain I'll return to my boozing ways eventually, so there's no real rush here.

9. Father's Day Weekend just passed. I miss my Dad. Not for a lack of speaking to him because he calls every day, except our conversations are like this
"Hello"
"Where's Lili?"
"She's sleeping"
"Ok, bye".

Or "Hello"
"Where are you?"
"I'm driving home"
"Okay, I'll call later I want to talk to Lili".

So you know I'm kind of just an operator that connects my Dad's calls to his granddaughter.

10. I've been reading your posts! Thanks for keeping me sane :)

11. Okay, so it turned out to be not so few things but just before I go - I came across this today: Abstain for the All Blacks There are many things I will do to support my Manu Samoa... but Abstinence? Really? Ailoga. Lol

moments & meltdowns

2011-07-14T22:35:00.002-10:00

I. am. exhausted.

Sigh.

My baby darling is growing exponentially (and going through clothes and formula like a buffalo on steroids - and looking more beautiful each day I might add), my job (that has had me travelling every week since baby was 4 weeks) is sucking every remaining ounce of energy out of me, oh, and I'm supposedly planning a wedding. Which reminds me (I forget these things) I need to lose weight before then, or else there will be no wedding. Or at least there will be no bride.

Things that have been left by the wayside as a result of my foolish control freak tendency to take everything on myself include - my social life (no alcohol, no dinners/ lunches with friends, no movies!) cleaning, exercise routine, cooking, sleeping in or sleep at all, and among many other things sex. Which is ironic because, all or any of these things, if I could just find the time and energy to do them, would make for some awesome stress relief. Did I mention no alcohol?

Life has been a juggling act, to say the least.

I'm anticipating a meltdown, because lets face it - somethings gotta give, and soon.

It sounds corny but the thing that keeps me sane is my daughter's smile. There's something about your childs smile that gives you an instant lift. Like crack for mommies. It's seriously powerful stuff. I only say this because if you'd have told me a year ago that I could operate on 3-4 hours of sleep a night, work full time in a demanding job, and raise a child I would have laughed so hard I would have spit vodka on your face, naysayer that I was.

Being a mom has made me discerning on a whole new level, I resist the urge to interrogate everyone who asks to hold my baby (even people I know, other mothers included). I resist the urge to walk them through a sterilization chamber before they place their contaminated fingers on my child. I realize that this is entirely irrational and crazy, but it's a knee jerk reaction I need to practise suppressing!

Boogie (her new name since Belly) is quite a serious baby. It cracks me up when people try to make her laugh and she looks at them point blank, completely disinterested. Lol When she cries, her face turns into a slow deep frown, before she starts to whimper and then wail with the saddest cry. You couldn't express more hurt from a cry. You'd think you'd killed her pet or something. It's the most heart breaking thing you ever saw. Making the boo boo cry will get you hung at my house. I often have to remind myself - Babies cry. It's what they do. Let it go.

She loves her walks outside and her morning bath. Toys don't interest her much yet. But she'll chew holes into her mittens and she kicks her socks off in her sleep. I kick my socks off in my sleep too. Which is about the one thing I have in common with my daughter. I've resigned from attempting to claim any of her features or personality traits so far. "She looks/acts like her father" is the constant comment. "Yea. Ok. I know already. You can leave my house now."

Due to her insatiable appetite I tried to feed her baby cereal yesterday. She wasn't keen. I've decided to scrap the cereal and try some pureed a'ano niu mamata in the weekend. Hopefully she's into it, it's fresher and cheaper than Gerbers. I'm excited to see what food she'll like. I'm still amazed just watching her grow and trying desperately not to miss a moment.

I suppose that's what I hold on to. In spite of the chaos that is my current life and the stress of an imminent meltdown, it's those special moments and that smile that keep me going.

Good night. xo

Taking turns

2011-06-09T05:11:00.006-10:00

I change my mind like I change shoes.

So I'm having an unwise moment being wide awake at 3am foolishly NOT getting sleep while the baby is down. I have a growing disdain for our humanly need for sleep, wouldn't it just make more sense to be able to buy batteries over the counter? Anyways, I'm certain I'll hate myself for not being asleep right now later on today but for now - I can't get my eyes to shut and that just is what it is. Besides, it's my turn to get up next anyway.

So funny this concept of "turns", spending the night groggily nudging one another - "it's your turn." I usually lose that battle but it's okay - when I'm feeling particularly nasty I'll wake him up and send him downstairs to make her a bottle, to get her diapers or just any old excuse to make him spend 5 minutes out of bed so I can delight a little in his misery. Is that evil? No, I agree it's only fair.

It's amazing the impact baby has had on our relationship. We're going on four years now (and I know that hardly seems like barely past first base to some of the solid gold marriages out there) but it really does seem like a long time considering what we've "been through". By "been through" I mean, we are past the days where we spent 23 hours of our day gazing longing in each others eyes whispering sweet nothings and sweet everythings to each other. The days when you could tell we were in a fight if you spotted us NOT holding hands (God forbid!). Said fight would of course dissipate within several hours, the longest few hours of my life, of course. (I know, hock spit, I mean what is this? Twilight?) Yes, fair to say, we are past that exhausting honeymoon stage. Our days now revolve around baby appointments, burp duty, and driving from shop to shop to find the cheapest diapers. These days, a phone-call to say Hi while we're in the office is a pleasant surprise.

Despite the craziness, having baby has in many ways solidified the bond we share, I mean - it still amazes me that we created this perfect little being. God's grace is amazing.

In the same breath, the arrival of our permanent houseguest has also tested us greatly. Having an involuntary third person in the room not only changes the dynamic of our relationship but it has brought a looming sense of permanence to our relationship that I can only describe as, well, looming. LOL! Before I (deservedly so) get judged for that comment, consider this - I've moved between countries 5 times in the last 9 years, the longest I've stayed put in any job/ relationship is the ones I'm currently in. I change my mind like I change shoes so historically permanence isn't something I've been entirely comfortable with. [I'll say here that these are my feelings and thoughts only - he's a far more settled and patient individual than I. But yes, back to me...] Having someone else permanently in the relationship has really forced me to confront my whole (fine I'll say it) "commitment issue" (hock spit, hock spit.. where are we? Dr Phil?)

*Reflective pause*

She is laughing in her sleep as I write this. :) Doesn't it just make you absolutely melt when they do that? I'm sure there's goo in my heart cavity right now. It's moments like this where I have absolute clarity about what's important in life and what's permanent. I realize that even though my days will no longer spent being reassured that I'm the center of someones world, and even though I'll probably never know the wonders of a full nights sleep ever again, and I will be indeed be sharing every other day of my life FOREVER with two other people - and I find, you know, I'm okay with that. In fact, I'm grateful for that.

Oh. She's up, and it's my turn.

Shiny new mom optimism, stay with me.

2011-05-26T18:26:00.006-10:00

I look like this. Not.

I'm almost two months in on this whole mom gig and I've figured something out - It is fecking hard work. Don't get me wrong, it's the most amazingly fuzzy and wonderfullest thing ever. BUT it's also fecking hard work. And even though you knew it would be hard, nothing prepares you.

The late night feedings and early morning runs to pick up the sitter, the baths and the poop and tapping into my telepathic ability to decipher a crying baby's needs. I'm all over, and to be honest I find I'm not as bothered or as crap at it as I initially thought I was going to be. It's just amazing how you're so consumed with doing all the little things and then BAM it's 2AM and you've not slept (properly), eaten (real food) or even just had a thought about anything other than poop and boobs. And the best part is that it's about to start all over again. (>_<) And what time do we clock out again? Oh yea, um NEVER! And question! Where in the book did it say you turn into a zombie? I've realized that my life just got hi-jacked by a wrinkly little poop machine.

It's a strange feeling really, because in spite of it all, I feel okay, I don't feel like I'm about to fall apart (not yet at least, I'm confident that will come in a few short weeks) In fact, this is kinda gross but true - I feel great. As stinky and as busy as my days have been lately, I honestly wake up feeling disgustingly full of love, purpose and positivity. Granted, this is probably just adrenaline speaking or remnants of my shiny new mom optimism but it's true - Life is good.

The part I'm really finding challenging is being back at work. I've been back at work for two weeks and I am still trying to find my bearings. Actually, I lie, I know where my bearings are, they're at home with my baby and I'm just silently seething at the fact that I have to be in the office instead of at home looking after my child who (btw) I can objectively say is the most beautiful baby in all of the world. Not to be biased or anything. Being away from world's most gorgeous child - in an of itself - isn't what bothers me. It's this feeling of disinterestedness in my work, which quite honestly it scares me. As someone that has always been defined by "career", I find my sudden not-giving-a-squat-about-what-goes-on-in-my-office feelings somewhat unsettling. Have I gone soft? It's like I've lost some of my cut-throatedness. Did they take it out when they cut me open and forget to put it back in? It sounds a little crazy but I've thought about calling the Dr to ask them if they left my "go-getter-ness" next to the scalpels and staple thingies. Yes, just a little crazy. Or a lot.

I totally "get" that this is probably normal and I shouldn't presume to be able to do it all and have it all and that I should cut myself some slack and I should feel adjusted soon enough. And I have this sinking feel that the only way to feel "adjusted" may be to just concede that that my life has changed forever and I will probably not feel completely in control ever or "adjusted" ever again. *Gulp* Freefall much? Let's see my shiny new mom optimism hold up to that.

*Sigh. I guess as they say, the only thing constant in life is change. I wonder what's next.

Work, miracles & Mother's Day.

2011-05-06T17:54:00.003-10:00

So it's my last weekend home before going back to work. My last weekend after a grand total of 4 weeks off. It sucks and I could complain about how this is a violation of women's rights but I'm turning over a new leaf and watching my language - okay not really, I'm just digressing, so I'll just say that the labor laws here leave muuuuuuuuuch to be desired.

Thankfully, I've managed to sort out a sitter to stay with baby while Mommy's at work pining to be at home instead, so hopefully, I am prepared for this. I was worried I wouldn't find a good sitter to stay with her but I'll tell you why I am certain that God is looking out for Lili. I discussed with my parents my sitter-less situation and my Dad said he had heard that my sitter and her family had moved to American Samoa some years ago. And by my sitter I mean the sitter that looked after ME and my siblings as rotten, tree climbing, beach addicted kids in Samoa years ago. I told him, well if you can find her, she'd be perfect, after all she did manage to survive my childhood tyranny. So my Dad made some calls and it turned out that her and her family live FIVE MINUTES from my house. So what are the odds? The odds are slim to miraculous, that's what they are. Nonetheless, I'm extremely grateful that they're in my favor and will enable me to join the working moms population.

I am only half heartedly looking forward to get back to work, and by half heartedly I mean - not at all. It's just going to be the same old workplace politics and endless piles of paperwork, projects and past due deadlines. I'm sure I'll get back into it soon enough but I'm kind of sad at realizing that I'm not going to be spending my days marveling at her perfectly precious toes and worrying about why her poop is slightly green.

This weekend is mother's day and this one takes on a whole new meaning for me. Mostly because I have such a huge newfound understanding and appreciation for my own mother - or Nana as she now prefers to be referred to as. She has offered first jokingly, and then gently and then quite seriously to fly down to take care of baby if the sitter so much as calls for a day off. She's slightly insane like that but it's a great thing to know that you have someone that will drop everything and come through for your child at the drop of a hat. And I say she'd do this for my child because I'm not quite sure if she'd do it for me. She said to me after Lili was born that being a grandmother is so much better than being a Mom. Lol. Gee, thanks Mom.

Happy Mother's Day Moms :)

ps - I promise this will be the last of my sappy new mom blogs. Lol

Mother moment

2011-04-29T21:26:00.002-10:00

She's lying so peacefully sound asleep in my mother's arms, her tiny chest rising and falling to the rhythm of her little breaths. I'm entranced, watching her intently but afraid to touch her like she were a priceless museum treasure. "Take her," my mother whispers. "Put her in the bassinet." I fight through the wave of inadequacy that moves over me, take a deep breath and stand up to take her. My hands are awkward, shaking slightly as I attempt to manouver her into my chest. Immediately she looks startled and starts to look upset, obviously sensing the panic and inexperience in my trembling hands. Her blanket bunches and I can feel her feet are exposed and I instinctively move her downwards to try and protect her tiny toes from frostbite despite the summer breeze. She's like jelly in my arms as her snugly wrapped blankets start to unravel and she looks like she's about to cry. I'm trying to keep her wrapped yet it seems as though I'm only bothering her. My confidence shatters as she lets out a loud soul shattering wail. "Mom!" I shriek. My mother scoops her up in her arms and like magic, she stops crying and soon after her head drops and she's sleeping again. After a minute I finally take a breath and all I can say is, "You need to teach me that."
--
In my first few moments of being a mother, I've never needed or appreciated my mother more.

new mommy on the block - tidbits

2011-04-18T20:51:00.001-10:00

growing up already. baby lili has been home for a week today, she'll be two weeks old tomorrow and she is already growing so quickly. She's stronger and more alert and aware of things, everyday she has new expressions and she's developed quite an appetite! Cliche to say this after being a parent for just under two weeks but it's amazing how quickly they grow!

pink. we've tried and failed miserably to avoid dressing her in pink. this is owed to the fact that we got so much pink stuff from family and friends. so she has been sporting pink polka dots, pink stripes, pink onesies, pink gowns and is quenching her thirst drinking from pink bottles.

breastfeeding. it's is no joke. no seriously, the first few days, i felt like my nipples had been put through a shredder. phew. i'm certain breastfeeding this is an ancient torture tactic.

baby blues. for me it was an overwhelming sense of "am i going to be able to do this?". it was a series of questions "am i adequate? will i be able to give enough, love enough, be there enough? as a mother, in a family, with responsibilities? can i? will i?" what if i fail? after a few days, i realized, i just have to do it and that i'll only feel better by embracing it and engaging in the act of being a mother.

moments. my dad sings to her. my dad, my tone deaf choir reject dad sings to my daughter. he sings all his favourite old samoan songs. and then when he's run out of songs I can hear him crooning "we wish you a merry christmas". he also tells her fagogos about the sau'ai and the fe'e named punialava'a. and she listens intently and shows her approval by doing a big kaka all over grandpa as if to say, here's what i think of your singing granpa. lol.

expressions. she makes faces. hungry. tired. curious. hungry. sleepy. hungry. her dad says her angry face is identical to mine. >:( forehead scrunched and all. she sleeps like me too, hands up by her face. i think she looks like her dad.

burping. i'm still reading incessantly about newborn care (previously about pregnancy). the effect of this is i'm over analyzing and paranoid. this makes things like burping my baby, the most terrifying experience ever. i wind up worrying that if i don't burp my baby, she'll have colic pain and she'll cry and cry and cry and I'll be an unfit mother. :-/ still adjusting here.

sleep. at the moment, it's fair to say i'm getting enough sleep. my parents are here and so there are always volunteers to feed baby, carry baby, bathe baby, burp baby and pretty much raise baby. other than to extend the occasional boob, there is little need for me to actually be here.

stay at home mom. i'd be one in a heartbeat.

1 week old

A letter to my daughter

2011-04-09T00:21:00.001-10:00

Dearest daughter,

Today you are three days old. Just three days and you’re already the greatest blessing I could ever have received. I thank the Lord for bringing you into mine and your Dad’s life, and my only prayer now is that we will spend many, many, many more days sharing our lives together. We named you "Lili’uokalani" after the last reigning Queen of Hawaii who is a celebrated songwriter with a thirst for knowledge to celebrate where your Dad and I met as music loving students at the University of Hawaii. She also wrote one of my favorite Hawaiian songs – “Aloha Oe” which for me quite aptly describes how we both feel about you. Your middle names Jeannette Milaneta Moliei are the names of your grandmothers. All women whose love and wisdom has been a blessing and an example to me. And if there is anyone whose love for you contends with mine, it’s theirs.

I face the prospect of raising you with both fear and excitement. The responsibility of shaping your life is daunting like nothing I’ve ever faced before, but I would have it no other way, and I'm beyond excited to start. I can’t wait for you to meet and share the love of our families who are all so in love with you already. I want you to learn about where you are from and the people who love you. Family is the foundation to a happy life. These are the ties that bind.

I have many hopes and dreams for you, I want for you to have a long, loving, happy life. To follow your dreams and pursue whatever ambitions you may have. I hope you will be strong and compassionate and kind. I want the world for you, but I pray for the patience, selflessness and restraint to let you choose your path. Be it math or music or medicine. I hope you do it earnestly and love doing it every day. I hope you will learn that life is not about avoiding mistakes but living and learning through them. I want you to have great friendships and I hope you will one day find love and know the love I have for you.

I promise to support you, to be there for you when you need me, to give you space if you need it, to tell you the truth and to hug you when life hurts you. I promise to forgive you, and I hope you will forgive me too. I must be honest, I feel ill equipped and I’m not sure what I’m signing up for thinking I can fulfill all these promises. The truth is, I cannot promise that I will not make mistakes, or that I will always have the answers or make the right decision, but I do promise to always try to do what’s best and to always give you the best of myself.

You’re three days old, so fragile and yet so beautifully perfect. You’ve been in the Nursery Intensive Care Unit since the day after you were born because your breathing is a little too fast. The doctors told us today that they don’t think it’s anything too serious or long term but they’re keeping you in for observation just to be sure. I’m waiting for the doctors to give us the all clear so we can take you home. I’d be lying if I said I was anything but deathly afraid that that news might not come, but I remain hopeful, prayerful and (somewhat) patient. J I pray to the Lord to keep you in his watch tonight, tomorrow and every day of your life.

I love you.

Mom

Meet my darling

2011-04-08T11:18:00.002-10:00

Lili'uokalani Jeannette Milaneta Moliei Va'ai Tinitali

Born on April 5, 2011 at 10.41pm

Birthplace: LBJ Tropical Medical Center, American Samoa

Weight: 8lbs 8oz

Height: 51 cm

My labour was a blinder (26 hours active labour followed by c-section) but all and any pain I endured (more on THAT later) is eclipsed by the thanks and joy I feel that she arrived to me safely in one complete breathing parcel of perfectness.

You may be wondering why I am blogging instead of breastfeeding or changing dirty diapers or losing sleep one way or another, well, baby is currently in the Nursery Intensive Care Unit under observation. They picked up that she was breathing a little too quickly on her first day and they've kept her in for observation. They haven't detected anything serious but they will be having a chest x ray today just to be sure. I am trying to be patient and remind myself that it's better if they keep her in a few extra days and then we take her home in perfect health then I take her home now and something unthinkable were to happen later on, but it is killing me waiting for her. Anyways, please keep her in your prayers.

Samoa Elections.

2011-03-05T17:31:00.000-10:00

This week, the independent state of Samoa held it's Elections on Thursday and Friday. I didn't form too many opinions before the elections because if there's one thing Samoans in Samoa have come to know over the past decade is that when it comes to politics - change is more often than not just a fleeting dream, a losing battle at best. Not that it isn't often desired, it was just beginning to seem as though any real change would have to wait until Uncle Stui had had his day, keels over and dies. Bless his heart.

Some interesting results have emerged. The Human Rights Protection Party holds the majority with 30 seats, the 5 independent candidates have declared their support to HRPP. The Tautua Samoa Party has 14 seats. HRPP win again, and Tuilaepa will likely remain PM, however, being that Samoa is once again a two party state, the opposition now having numbers to be formally recognized as such, is very positive. That there is some semblence of an "opposition" in a state that was a one party state and has seen no change in power for two decades, is really quite huge. There remains plenty of room and time for this to all fall apart for TSP but to capture just this moment - this is really the first step in what in my opinion, remains a losing battle to create change in Samoa, however, that the people have finally shown that they have the audacity to voice with their vote that change is what they want, just the idea of it, I find mildly exciting.

Now, the real work starts.

What's in a name?

2011-02-14T18:54:00.000-10:00

I've found recently, that it's an amazingly difficult task trying to come up with a name for another human being. It's so hard to find a name fitting to a little person that is going to encompass all your hopes and dreams. No easy task. My response to that has been of course, to avoid the task all together. When she comes along, the Good Lord willing, her name will simply come to me in an epiphany. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

I got asked in the weekend what "Fotuosamoa" means, and I couldn't properly articulate it. I'm not sure why. I've been told different versions at different times what it means yet when I try to explain it, I botch it up. I thought to document it here, mostly for my own future reference.

Personally, Fotuosamoa was my grandmother's name. I don't have enough fingers and toes to count all the relatives that have been named after her.

In terms of what the actual meaning of the name is - Fotuosamoa: A "fotu" is an old Samoan sailing term that refers to either the sails or the body of a sea-faring vessel. Therefore the Fotu O Samoa or Fotu of Samoa literally translated into English means "Sails of Samoa".

Now I'm not qualified to say and I won't even hazard a try at quoting it, but I'm told that the phrase "fotu o Samoa" when used in lauga or gagana fa'aaloalo, is usually a reference to the arrival of the first Samoans to Samoa and refers to either the first sight of land, or the first sight of the sails of the vessels upon which the travellers arrived. So if we're to look at it from a symbolic or interpretive perspective, it can mean "Dawn" or "New beginning" - of Samoa or just in general. Now, I'm a sucker for symbolism so when I think deeper into the "sails" reference, it might be associated with "new directions" (head nod to Glee), "staying the course" and/ or an affinity with the ocean. And then of course, the popular theory is that I was named after the ferry boat that travels between Upolu & Savaii named Fotu O Samoa.

Ah, but I digress, after all - what's in a name?

Comical Politics

2011-02-09T10:44:00.000-10:00

Think what you will of the man, but this just made me laugh.
--

PM’s last letter

Tuesday, 08 February 2011 11:31

John Campbell and Tuilaepa Sa'ilele Malielegaoi.

Prime Minister Tuilaepa Sa’ilele Malielegaoi has ended his long-running feud with New Zealand journalist, John Campbell with one final letter.

The war of words between the two started last year during the anniversary of the 2009 tsunami when the Campbell Live presenter aired a damning piece about the recovery effort in Samoa.
Mr Campbell questioned where millions of tala in tsunami aid had gone to when most tsunami survivors were still struggling with accommodation, water and food.

The much-followed public spat heightened when Mr Campbell attempted to interview Prime Minister Tuilaepa at the carpark of a local hotel at night.

At that time, the journalist said he came to Samoa to interview the Prime Minister but he cancelled their appointment at the last minute.

Mr Campbell said Tuilaepa was "utterly cowardly" in refusing to front for a pre-arranged interview to discuss the relief aid.

Tuilaepa denied Mr Campbell’s claim. He said there was no appointment made.

Since then, the Prime Minister has invited Mr Campbell to Samoa twice for an interview.

On both occasions, Mr Campbell has not turned up.

In his latest letter dated 31 January, Tuilaepa calls the New Zealand journalist “John Gamble.”
The letter in full reads:

31 January 2011

John Gamble,

Finally, today, 1st February 2011, I have not heard yet from your office the status of your visit to interview me as scheduled for 25 January 2011 on our utilization of donor funds for the tsunami recovery Programme.

That date, 25 January2011, is long passed. This is the third time you have been given the opportunity you had sought to interview me and now you did not even have the Courtesy to advise me that you were unable to come.

You should understand and accept now that my insistence on your personally sighting and verifying the existence of the physical works funded from the Tsunami Relief Funds is the only final and concrete of any spoken or written words.

Spoken words without proofs may misrepresent the truth and you were supposed t

o be interested in the truth.

Now that you have shown yourself very clearly to be what you really are, I am now very pleased that at the end of this episode, you should now finally become knowledgeable.

You have now learnt that:
1. It is the interviewee who sets the appointment

2. That every organization including TV3 and governments operates to a financial year. At the end of the financial year, the Financial Statements are drawn up and then audited by an External Auditor.

3. The spoken word needs to be verified against actual works performed.

4. When you are asked to submit written questions in advance, do so, as there is only one objective in mind, that the answers are well researched and correct. That is indicative of the deep respect that ought to be accorded to the interviewer for the objective of the interview is to inform the donors of the proper use of their donations a very worthy cause.

5. When you interview a leader in any of the Pacific Islands, you are expected to show common courtesy by showing up at the appointed time as cleared personally by the leader, at the office of the Leader, and during office hours. Never ever treat a leader of a foreign country in the same casual manner a Journalist treats his own National leader.

6. When you do not make it to a confirmed appointment, cancel it formally by email or fax.

7. When you are given Financial Report of any kind and you do not understand how to read some of the financial terms used, get someone to explain, preferably a professional Accountant.

8. Leaders are extremely busy people. Journalists are well known to the political leaders everywhere to commonly misrepresent what the leaders say. So additional conditions may be imposed to safeguard against truth twisters.

9. Always be weary of local contact. Foreign Journalists may not know that local contacts will also use an ignorant visiting Journalist to implement their own personal agenda.

10. Always seek the advice of the journalist’s government’s official representatives in a country visited. They are the eyes, ears, noses, brains, legs, arms, stomachs and mouthpiece for their Governments. And of course, the Journalists may always disregard the information given. That’s their God given priviledge.

And lastly John, you have now understood I hope, the deeper meanings behind my communications.

I wish you much success in your career.

Kind regards.
(Tuilaepa Lupesoli’ai Sa’ilele Malielegaoi)
Prime Minister of the Independent State of Samoa

Source: Samoa Observer Online

Thought of the day.

2011-02-03T17:52:00.000-10:00

I uncovered a horrific mistake that I made today.

Lord grant me the discipline to be more thorough. Show me the strength of habit to check, double check and to check again. Lord be the voice of reason to always remind me to NEVER rest on my laurels.

February Already?

2011-02-03T11:01:00.002-10:00

Here's an unfinished entry from yesterday.
---

It's the second day of the second month and I'm feeling pressed for time! Of course, belly wise - I'm all the way "out there." I'm like a walking prize pumpkin that other mother's look at and cringe in pity at my pending labour. The icing on the cake of course is that I am growing on a daily basis as belly grows on my diet of chocolate and sardines. My doctor says my weight gain is pretty stable (liar) but she thinks my baby is going to be heavier than 9lbs. I know. Say a prayer for me.

We're about 2 months away from her debut and I'm trying to get the crib set up, find the right travel system and the matching baby bath. I don't evision myself doing much of that in my last month - if I even make it there! haha. I thought of a genius idea to purchase all the big things online so I could get them cheaper and have them all shipped here given that this place is affiliated with the land of the free. Imagine my glee when I find Walmart, Baby Gap, and Sears all ship here. So I'm happily shopping away and then I check out and I find that 7 out of 9 items I want to purchase "cannot be shipped to your location due to size restrictions". BOOOOOOOOOOOO! is all I have to say to that.

And then of course work is moving a million miles an hour - and things look to get busier...and I'm in the middle trying to plan, hire, train and stay on top of it, go have a baby and then come back and pick it all up again. Certainly if I could work while I'm in labour they'd certainly have me doing that. Ha! I have broken my promise to myself to not work late night. Gulp. Clearly this is a sign that this baby needs to come into my life soon, to make sure I go home at a decent hour.

---

Samoans in Malaysia!

2011-01-20T12:13:00.000-10:00

Follow my friends Tasha & Jayde on their Malaysian Adventure on their blog Coconut Runnings!

Pleasant Surprise

2011-01-19T15:39:00.001-10:00

So my birthday was on Monday and I was sneakily keeping quiet about it at work in the hopes that it would just blow over without anyone noticing. I was chuckling to myself when it had gone by without a peep until today when I walked into the lunch room at noon and my team at work had thrown a birthday lunch for me! It was full of good food and of course, choc chip cake!

I am now full to the brim with deliciously unhealthy food and my baby is undoubtedly bouncing around my tummy with the sugar rush but I can't help smiling at just what a nice, unexpected gesture that was. Especially considering what a slavedriver I am day in day out cracking my whip and beating them to oblivion with my unending demands. Evil woman am I, so undeserving of such niceties. Hmmm.

Bless their hearts.

Ogling

2011-01-19T10:04:00.000-10:00

Mid-week ogling at the online coach sale!

Sigh.

Back to Life Blues.

2011-01-15T13:53:00.000-10:00

So it's our second weekend back on the Rock, and the Christmas Season is well and truly over. Now I'll admit, I was slightly gleeful being back at work (sad, I know) but okay, yea, that's worn off already. Time with the family was grand. Lots of food, family, food and fun. Did I mention food? Fresh cream, meat pies, strawberries & pavlovas come to mind. Ugh. I miss my family & I'm depressed just thinking about being back here and not there.

My doctor says I am no longer allowed to travel and as a result I'm missing out on two work trips. I could be in sunny Hawaii right now. Sigh.

Last night, I watched about 4 different videos showing 4 different types of births. Water birth, Natural birth, C-section birth & Epidural Birth. All I can say is - Dearest Lawwwd have mercy on me.

Okay I'm going to leave this post here as it is quickly moving in a downward spiral. Here's hoping next week is better.

But before I go - Belly is huge and kicking like crazy. All indications are that she is healthy. And yes, we had one of those amazing 4-D scans in NZ and found out we are having a girl and everything is looking normal :) Keep us in your prayers that things stay well.

A free minute on Christmas Eve!

2010-12-24T04:13:00.003-10:00

It's 2.45am on Christmas Eve. We're waiting to board our flight to NZ, scheduled to leave at 3.30am. Finally a free minute to sit and put some thoughts down. As expected, it's been a crazy hectic Christmas Season. My time unequally being divided between Work, Belly & Work. And yes, "Belly" is my current nickname around the office. Presumably because that's all anyone sees anymore when they see me running around like a mad belly.

Me and Belly have become quite good friends, if I say so myself. We have daily conversations about what we want to eat, who made or ruined our day, whether we should not got for a walk again or what we should eat. I'm getting a kick out of feeling Belly kick back when I say, listen to, or even think something I consider quite profound and take it as his/ her agreeing with me that ice cream at 8pm is a grand idea. Fair to say, we're quite "attached". No pun intended. I'm about 6 and a half months along now and I'm still in awe at the whole person-growing-inside-me-thing and of course, though excited, I am still petrified and feel utterly ill-prepared for the most daunting task I've yet to face in this life - Motherhood.

Aside from daily conversations with my midriff, work has been hectic like expected, and then some. The economy has noticeably taken it's toll on people which just makes my job, milking the extra pennies from people's pockets that much harder. I've definetely learnt much this year - professional wise. Mostly in terms of what it takes to manage people and make decisions on the go. Another big lesson has been the importance of being accountable for mistakes and bouncing back. I won't bore you with my exhausting passion for my work. Bottom line is - I love it and there's much more to learn. And I'm going to just have to figure out how to balance it all once Belly comes along and does a good job of spinning my priorities on it's head. But we'll cross that bridge when we get there. The Good Lord Willing.

Planes here. I assume we'll be boarding soon. Then again, who knows. We checked in and decided to go the departure area after the flight was called in the overhead speakers. We entered only to find a looong line of complaining passengers waiting behind an empty Immigration counter. We waited for at least 15 minutes in the crowded immigration area engulfed in the deep stench of cat smelling wet carpet, all the while overhearing the busy chatter and laughter of Airport Authority Staff in the next room. Complaints were abundant and all encompassing with people complaining about Immigration workers, Airport Authority staff, the stench of the room, and the tacky Christmas decorations. "Ae se i va'ai aku ia i decoration pe o gi mea e maua i le Coin Save" And they are probably right. The common remark was "Eh this is Samoa, same old same old Samoa." I found it funny and then mildly disappointing at the same time that we Samoans experience and expect to experience crappy service. Case in point. Our flight is scheduled to leave in 15 mins and it appears as though they are still unloading the plane. Lol. Ah well, what do you expect, this is Samoa.

Merry Christmas & Happy New Years everyone.

Love,

Me & Belly

Croc Horror.

2010-12-09T17:39:00.003-10:00

I did an indefensible thing today.

I bought crocs.

Yes, those rubber shoe things.

And worst of all I bought them for myself. And I think I actually intend on wearing them *gulp* in public.

To understand the gravity of this issue you must know that I'm the girl that bought shoes first and food second or at all depending on if I had any money left when I was a poor student. I'm the woman that walked a mile through a casino in brand new 5 inch heels without flinching. If you've seen my shoe collection, you'd agree that it's only ... extremely hypocritical of me to now be an owner of rubber cushioned flat shoes. I've made fun of, scoffed at and looked down upon many a pair of crocs in my lifetime that I'm surprised the shoes didn't spontaneously ignite in my bare hands after I'd purchased them today.

I can't clearly say just why I went against my long standing belief that pain is beauty and that comfortable shoes are also known as ugly shoes. I might attribute it to the sheer dearth of shoe shopping that has been justifiable since I am now "with child" but clearly no excuse can justify this incorrigible act of fashion disloyalty to my much loved albeit currently dusty stiletto closet.

I'm struggling a little with how I feel about this. A part of me is guilty at having performed such an act of betrayal against.. myself? The practical, mommy-to-be side of me thinks they are cute, practical and at $35 they were a pretty good deal. And then there is the fear. Could this be the start of me coming undone? What's next? Will I trade in my cocktail dresses for frumpy mommy overalls.. Will I breastfeed forever and never have another drop of alcohol. Aaaaah. I'd better stop before I end up returning these demon shoes. Haha.

.

I bought the white ones.

Rainy day dilly dallying.

2010-11-20T12:18:00.003-10:00

There's a torrential downpour outside. The kind that is so loud you can barely hear yourself think. The kind where ten o'clock in the morning looks like 6.30pm in the evening and the clouds look not much higher than the coconut trees dancing furiously in the wind. The drive to work today was near impossible, lights and wipers on full blast whilst manouvering potholes now disguised as rivers at a racing 15 miles per hour. The skies are making a point - Cyclone season is upon us. Just Mother Nature gently reminding us of her formidable power. A wet reminder thatdespite how self important we've become, in the big scheme of things, we are in fact quite disposable. On the flipside, it's kind of comforting to know there is something greater than just us lousy humans wreaking havoc on this here earth.

I'm at the office, listening to the rain, pondering this sense of "meekness" and uhhh, oh yes, doing some work!

Here's a crappy pic of the view outside right now from my office.

Ok, I'll check in laters.
xo

Big belly babble.

2010-11-17T18:23:00.001-10:00

Big belly makes for obstructive sleeping.

Big belly reduces bladder capacity and makes for frequent late night urinary field trips.

Big belly increases likelihood that people will ignore your face and gawk, have conversations with and uninvitedly touch big belly.

Big belly is the root cause for morning ritual I call "fight with my wardrobe".

Big belly likes milk and mangoes. And pretty much any other food substance.

Big belly makes for huffing and puffing when walking up stairs.

Big belly is cause for dust gathering on high heel collection. And for sudden spike in use of flat shoes.

Big belly dictates what's for breakfast, lunch, dinner, afternoon tea, dessert and snack time. Often the menu is, "I don't know what I feel like but let me try that."

Big belly likes listening to Iz.

Big belly makes people ask me - Are you pregnant? To which my answer is - No, I had a big breakfast.

Blue couch & Black & white bliss

2010-11-06T10:21:00.001-10:00

What to do. What to do.

2010-11-06T09:52:00.002-10:00

So it's my day off. First day off in about 3 weeks. And I find myself clueless about what to do with myself. My unsuspecting fiance woke up early and cleaned my kitchen and house before setting off to run errands for his Mom and I'm home in a clean house, all alone listening to my mix of 80s, 90s & Hawaiian music thinking to myself, hmmmm what to do, what to do. Let's see, options?

I could go shopping... I must reluctantly scratch that since there is this new-age "Saving for the future" thing I promised my unsuspecting fiance I'd give a go.

I could have some cocktails - Morning mimosas, anyone? Unfortunately, pending motherhood means I'm now far too obsessed with the fact that I'm feeding baby to pollute my inards with alcohol like I normally would when a spare moment presented itself. Don't get me wrong, it pains me every day that I can't have a margarita when the latest prick at work or idiot I've dealt with has ruined my day. And as convinced as I am about the therapeutic power of tequila, I want my childs first experience with alcohol to be them sitting in front of me so I can show him/ her myself the correct way to take it. Salt. Shot. Lime.

I could do some work - Ugh. I disgust myself with for even thinking this. Quick, next option.

I could admire my engagement ring a while longer. Am I completely superficial and self absorbed? Perhaps, just a tad. Next.

Think of baby names? Nah. All I know is I'll know the right name when I hear/ think of it. All the suggesting in the world will not bring me any closer to choosing. It must be meaningful, and preferably a family name, mine. LOL! I kid. When I hear it, I'll know. I don't see the point in agonizing about it before hand.

I could wedding plan? Well, that's my mother's area of expertise. In her words, "I'll plan, you guys pay. Deal?" My response? "Your will is my command, mother."

I could watch TV. Now this option is removed also by pending motherhood. I've acquired this shocking sensitivity to light and sound which only seems to manifest itself when I'm watching TV, particularly something I'm extremely absorbed in like say ~~Top Chef Just Desserts~~ ~~Real Housewives of Beverly Hills~~ 60 minutes. Five minutes into watching something interesting I'm hit with a splitting headache, to which my response is to dramatically complain and shout "Turn It Off! Turn it off, OWwww" Five minutes later, I'll switch it back on just to see what happened next and in five minutes I'll be a raging mess again. Rinse. Repeat. Makes for an interesting night in, I'll tell you that. Just ask my unsuspecting fiance.

I could cook. Ummm, and ruin my already glistening kitchen? I think not!

I could eat cookies and Rashuns all day! Oh wait, another ill-fated promise to my unsuspecting fiance. No junk, it's bad for the baby. Boo.

Okay, I've got it. I'm going shopping! ;)

Pregnancy Revelations

2010-11-04T17:43:00.003-10:00

Since discovering I was knocked up, a few "revelations" have become apparent to me which, for the sake of the unsuspecting single women, I'll reveal to you today.

1) It's clear now why parents brought me into this world. My sole purpose in this world is bear my parents grandchildren. I am bombarded almost daily with calls and emails from my parents asking "How's the baby?" "Uhh, good, I'm not too bad either, thanks for asking - Oh right, I'm just the vessel." Not too long ago, I took a call from a very upset grandmother to be for not filming my first ultra-sound. "Mom, it was a speck on the screen" "But still, you should have filmed it or asked the doctor for a printout or something!"

2) Unless you've been blessed with amazingly elastic skin just buy the damn Bio-Oil.

3) I've finally found the perfect reason to take it easy and make him rub my feet, and buy me things. All without guilt, remember there's no baby with a bustup vessel, and vessels need a steady flow of ice cream and newer softer couches.

4) Your doctor knows best. I was prescribed pre-natal vitamins and iron supplements which I felt were excessive (because I saw this one episode on Dr House...) and then decided of my own accord to not take my full supply of iron because I was stupid and new-age and decided to "listen to my body" rather than my doctor. Well, I came to my senses when I almost passed out one day due to low iron in my blood. No more fia miss in touch with my body like Mariah Carey, listen to the experts.

5) The secret to great hair is pregnancy. According to my hairdresser, my hair is amazingly soft and healthy. In her words "Wow, you should get pregnant more often." Hmmmm. Right.

More from me later, I think it's time for a foot massage.

Memories of Asiata

2010-10-03T11:14:00.001-10:00

My uncle Dr. Asiata Saleimoa Vaalepa Vaai passed on suddenly some weeks ago. It was sudden, tragic and just extremely heart breaking.

I'll always remember him as an extremely learned man (he had degrees for days) in both the way of the white man and the Fa'asamoa. He made getting a higher education seem like the most normal thing in the world, as though it were just the standard and that anyone who applied themselves could do it, no matter what your race, income or circumstance. He's certainly passed it on to his children too. It's a perspective that's influenced me greatly in my own pursuits and I'll forever be grateful to him for, perhaps unknowingly, sharing that with me.

He was always so well spoken with a sharp wit. He had such presence about him, an air of unspoken intelligence and wisdom that would waft around the room when he was there, and you just knew not to mess with him. I recall when my father got his matai title and Asiata was one of the matais in the bestowal. Though I understood less than 5 percent of what he said that day, I walked away with a new-found respect for his eloquence and command as a matai.

As a kid, the beatings he gave were legendary, though I'd never seen any first hand evidence of this, the rumours were enough to put me on my best behaviour around him. A vivid memory I have as a young girl growing up in Vaisala. My father and his brothers would drink copius amounts of alcohol, and then strum their guitar, sing their favourite songs and have all their daughters siva Samoa for them. They were the worst critics. "Se aka!" "Aua ke fa'amagaia, siva fa'alelei." And on those breezy humid evenings in Savaii, my drunken uncles taught me how to Siva Samoa.

As I grew up, I came to know him as much less of a tyrant and got to know a gentler side of him. He always offered his congratulations and encouragement for my current endeavour and he always seemed genuinely interested in what plans I was pursuing. He had a witty humor that I'll always remember. I'll never forget at my cousin Julius' wedding he was describing the origin of the name "Vaalepa" which was given to him by his father is also Julius' second name. He was candidly describing that a Vaalepa is a kind of fishing trip where the fishermen stay out overnight. His father was out on a Vaalepa when he was born hence he was named Vaalepa. He continued by saying... that a young woman from Fiji, came to Samoa and married a King of Samoa - Vaalepa, and that is how Julius was born.

His political career, I can only describe as fearless. His educated defiance of what he saw as injustices in spite of popular opinion, to me is just so "Asiata". For me, in many ways, he epitomised what politics ought to be. Like my Aunty Sina shared in her eulogy at his funeral he said "It's about the issue...you've just got rise above the bullshit and just do what is right."

I'll miss you Uncle Asiata. Rest Always in Peace & Love.

Confessions

2010-10-03T10:25:00.000-10:00

"Forgive me father for I have sinned."

"What brings you here my child?"

"Father, I'm with child. And I am unmarried."

---

I won't give you the boring background of how my boyfriend and I love each other and have been together for 3 years because of course, all of that is eclipsed by the fact that, I got knocked up before I donned 20 yards of white satin and declared my virginity and chastity under God.

A few short months ago, I found out I was "with child". My initial reactions, were honestly, shock, horror and shock horror. Clearly, this was unplanned and all I could think of was parents disapproval and that I had finally given them their long sought after excuse to disown me. I fought urges to run into a church and pray for a miracle, and to draw up a lawsuit against the company that had sold me dubious birth control. It was a difficult first few days.

After I could no longer stand it, I called my mother to share my "news". The reaction, was shock horror... for about 2 seconds and then a pause... and then, tears... of happiness. She said "I'm going to be a grandmother," all choked up and laced with a tremendous amount of... Joy. Joy? Was that possible? That my mother was joyous at the news? That both my parents were over-joyed? That the father of my child was excited? Happiness? At the thought of me having a child with a man I love?

What a concept.
---

Memoirs of being a lush.

2010-10-03T09:58:00.000-10:00

It's a rainy Sunday here. Kind of nice after the blistering sunshine we had yesterday. Driving around yesterday in the daggone heat, there were definite moments where I thought the sun would melt through my car roof and incinerate me to an unpleasantly hot ashy death. So yes, today is kind of nice.

I'm up early (9:02AM... Pugi) and have no desire to cook breakfast, brush my teeth or do anything other than shoot the breeze and talk about the weather (I know, productive is my middle name).

I've been thinking about writing alot lately (because there aren't more important things I'm paid to think about). Mostly because I've not done much of it lately. I used to frequently indulge my creative passions... Or did I? I realize now that my previous employment had me so devoid of brain exercise that I had time and desire to talk smack about such important wonders of life like alcohol, sex and shoes. Oh the glitz and the glamour, and the... vomit? Who has time these days to indulge in such pleasures when there are bills to be paid and projects to be managed? When did life become so... ordinarily grown up. Damn my over-bearing practical mother for passing on an appetite for shoes that can quite frankly never be quenched on the budget of a struggling artist/ author. Sigh.

So I guess what I'm really saying is - I miss the aimless freedom that I seemed to have.

Okay, no. I just miss being a lush.

I penned this April 15, 2010 - "Moments"

2010-08-20T12:58:00.002-10:00

Last year - I got a new job and relocated to Tutuila, I ain't dead or married yet, so - so far, so good.

Last month - was my first trip to Las Vegas. Being a staunch non-gambler I snickered at all the suckers in the casino at the Venetian - then on my last day, I lost $35 at the pokie machines at my departure gate.

Last week - I met one of my all time sports idols. I was awe-struck until he asked me (quite seriously) if he could have my iPhone.

Yesterday - I drank about 7 beers after work. Burp.

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This year - is by far the busiest, most expensive year yet.

This month - I'm slacking - I've yet to buy a new pair of shoes.

This week - is draining, but I am trying to keep my eyes on the prize.

Today - is just one big distraction from the lengthy nap that should be my day.

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Next year - Bigger, better things, hopefully.

Next month - I foresee lots of work.

Next week - I will go on a shoe shopping excursion.

Tomorrow - is Friday, Thank GAWD.

9:05am Monday

2010-08-03T19:48:00.001-10:00

I'm not sure why, but this past few weeks have seemed to go, just murderously slow for me. I've been finding myself checking the clock a gazillion times throughout my day and asking - Is it Friday yet?.... Nope, still 9.15am on Monday.

Having such endless amounts of time leads to excessive pondering of things I would be doing in my alternative life like, travelling to distant lands, immersing myself in exotic cultures and having these epic unforgettable experiences like saving endangered species and designing shoes for Saks. And then... Nope, it's still 9.25am on Monday.

It doesn't help when the highlights of my week have been completing an online course on the Sarbanes Oxley Law and finishing the first draft of a 25 page customer satisfaction survey. Home time has consisted of Twitter, McDonalds and Jersey Shore. The weekend was a fruitless 7 hour stint in a hospital emergency room. I can feel the words "BORED" being tattooed into my forehead just as I am writing this out. 10.15am Monday.

It's as though when life isn't chaotic - it's dull. Confirming my suspicions - Not that I am in fact a bipolar crazy woman and that I need to live in extremes to feel anything. No, not that - but confirming that sobriety and being a productive member of society are in fact, both grossly over-rated notions... 10.24am Monday.

*Sigh. This is going to be a long week. 10.25am Monday

Damn, where's some vodka when you need it!

Dreams are free...

2010-07-27T17:21:00.001-10:00

My trip in twit pics

2010-07-25T16:45:00.001-10:00

So I just returned from a short trip home. Here's how it went. (Don't mind all my fatty food pics) =)

Our chariot awaits... PH231

Upolu coastline just before landing at Fagali'i.

Loooong lunch with friends. Dessert was ordered. Encounters restaurant, Maluafou - Try it!

After-work drinks at the newly opened Tanoa Tusitala hotel = splendid!

Did a spot of shopping.

Visited Le Spa.

The view from my massage bed.

Taking time to appreciate something beautiful.

Lunch at Curry House! Lamb Korma & ice cold Coke.

Ready for Fiesta!

Breaky @ Sydneyside

Roadside BBQ while waiting for flight. $3USD plate

Flight back. Scratched up Twin Otter window seat.

remnant emo work puke

2010-07-09T17:38:00.011-10:00

Eyes

Her pedicured feel walk in shoes so high they hurt.
Justified by some warped notion that pain is beauty.
Her clothes are perfectly pressed & crisp, untouched by the wrinkles of "life".
Her lips are always red, symbolic of the blood she draws from her sharp tongue
As she disapproves of mediocre efforts to win her approval.
She is the picture of cold, pedicured perfection.

Except for her eyes.

Her eyes - Bloodshot and blurry.
Heavy with the weight of withheld emotion.
Her eyes speak of pain. Of doubt.
Beneath her bloodshot eyes.
She stirs, shaking, struggling to be composed.
Clinging to the edges of her sanity.
Inside her childhood heart is screaming - Get me out, get me out.
Because she's so caught up trying to hold up.
This facade of togetherness. This sharp pursuit of perfection.
To be sharp. To be perfect. To be worthy.
Yet, she's so tightly wound, that she's falling apart.
Her powdered face, her lined eyes, are cold and, efficient.
Yet her insides burn. She writhes in the silent suffering
As she watches her integrity being incinerated.
Reduced to ashes by the flames of her so called success.
She's full of compromise and sadness.
You can see it in her eyes.

Checked.

2010-07-06T18:38:00.002-10:00

It's going on a month since my last update. Gee how time flies. I'm nearing the point where I need a break from work. Okay I lie, I'm about half way around the world beyond that point but hanging in there.

The work is fulfilling, most days. Boring, not any day. And challenging every moment of every day. I guess I'm a sucker for the challenge. A sucker for the pain and a sucker for the rush I get when seeing the outcomes of a project completed, a product launched, happy customers, or just coming home having learnt something new - often in ways I least expected.

Like today - a perfect example. So things have been going great at work, in terms of the progress I've been making in projects, promotions and product launches. Just last week we just closed a major conference successfully. Overall, by my own self-assessment I think have been doing a pretty damn good job. And then today, I was completely blind-sided by a member of my team who is usually quiet and always very hard working who told me that he felt the way I speak to him sometimes was demeaning and unfair. I fumbled over some version of an apology and an explanation before vowing to "work on it" but really, I guess I am still a little ... I think shocked is the word? Not necessarily that I am demeaning and bitchy, more that I am hurting someone else in the process.

Officially, my bitchiness has caught up with me. I guess I had never considered that in my clamouring for the top rung of the corporate ladder I may actually be crushing some people.

I won't say it's completely changed my outlook on life but it made me do a self-assessment on the spot - Is that who I am? I can say for sure that it doesn't make me feel good to think.. or to know rather that I'm hurting peoples feelings in pursuit of my "success".

I could debate this and call the other person weak. In fact, I'm resisting it. However, I'm too drained to come up with some drawn out justification of my "tough love" approach to management so I'm taking the high road on this one and considering myself officially "checked."

I guess you just never expect the lessons you're going to have each day and who you're going to learn them from. For me: Today's lesson is this: Before you congratulate yourself, check yourself - before you find humble pie all over your face. Trust me, it don't taste good.

Humble pie. Not as good as it looks.

Work Faux Pas

2010-06-14T21:44:00.001-10:00

Today I committed an uncharacteristic act of weakness at work today.

I cried while addressing a co-worker. Not in a cry me a river, incessant sobbing, loudly whimpering, I-just-lost-my-pet kind of way. But there were visible tears. And looking back on the reason now - I was just told a co-worker would be leaving us - and I realize, it was really quite a tame occurrence. We weren't even particularly close! Gawd. So emo! Lol. Granted they were genuine tears of emotion, I do not consider this one of my finer managerial moments.

Since I am usually the epitome of togetherness, I caught myself a little off-guard (if you can imagine that! Lol) which of course made me panic and cry even more (lol!) and I can imagine my co-worker didn't expect that given how unapologetic I am about being a hard-ass/ borderline bitch at work.

After the fact, I was a bit of a mess and I thought, what the hell woman! Lol I must admit being a little disgusted with myself at having revealed such a weak side of me - which is a thought that has kind of stuck with me and brought me all the way over here to my thinking space.

I guess investment in people you work with is inevitable, particularly when you're working closely together on projects you feel quite passionate and invested in. But the facts of life dictate that people will come and go. And that's just life. So whatever happens - KEEP YOURSELF TOGETHER WOMAN! Lol

Lord help me get through the rest of the week. Lol.

Thinking positive

2010-06-11T00:18:00.001-10:00

After an especially draining day at the office, which (from what I can tell) will only be compounded in the weeks to come I've decided that if I'm to survive - I must keep an open mind, and cast aside my judgments on this new-age approach - I must engage in more positive thinking. It's kind of an exercise in foresight and a preventative effort to sort of stabilize the train before it spirals down the hell hole. :) Anyways, I've adopted a new mantra today, or rather borrowed one. Repeat after me.

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it

- Groucho Mar

Let's say it again:

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it

Okay, good.

*Now take a deep breath in*

*Exhale slowly*

There, can't you just feel the positivity?

Hmmmm... Nah. Me neither.

Plausible, yes? Lol

Okay! Time for a beer.

Peace be with you.

Random List

2010-06-03T21:02:00.004-10:00

It has been a minute since my last post.

LOTS HAPPENING. Quick bits.

1. Manu Samoa are world champions in Rugby Sevens!

Few things can top just how moving and awesome this achievement is to Samoans. I screamed, cried, rejoiced, got drunk, cried some more and then drank some more. It still lifts my heart to think about this and this definitely goes down in history as one of our greatest moments!

2. Work is over flowing with change. Mostly additional work but for the most part it is good change. Lots to complain and moan about also but I'll take out on another post and my liquor cabinet my liquor cabinet in the mean time. In a nutshell - when I'm not hating it, I'm loving it.

3. I'm rather fond of lists :)

4.

This is just a random reminder of a time in my life when the greatest of my worries was whether the table or bar could take my weight. I can't believe how foreign it now feels. Just felt like expressing as much. That's all :)

5. I've nicknamed the treadmill at the gym "The Punisher" and have given it an entire personality. He's basically my arch nemesis and only thing that keeps me running is the satisfaction of pounding all of my weight on his ridonkulously flat stomach. Admittedly, a little disturbing but hey, it works for me. Lol

6. I had a craving for popcorn on Sunday so decided to go to the movies. Stood in line for close to half an hour only to get inside only to find out the popcorn machine is broken. Fail! And THEN, I spilt ice cream in my Coach purse trying to sneak my Snickers McFlurry in to the movies. EPIC Fail!

7. Four friends of mine from my graduating class from college have all moved to London to live and work. One of them has a work stint in Singapore, or is it Dubai? Makes me wonder what opportunities lie out there. Hmmm.. Something to consider down the line.

8. I need lessons in how to sleep. I have pinched nerves, strained shoulders and wake up all too often through out the night due to discomfort. SO not the bizz! Considering chiropractor visits or getting a better bed. Sleeping pills perhaps? Lol Ah yes, resort to drugs. :)

9. I'm trying to find a free minute to visit Manu'a! Yes, I know I'm already in the middle of nowhere and I want to go further into the middle of nowhere. But doesn't it look blissful?

That's all folks :) Happy June!

Testing testing

2010-05-18T22:24:00.004-10:00

Two things to mention today.

1) Today marks day 2 at the gym. I'm keeping the goal here basic: To go again, tomorrow, since that's about as far ahead as I can see after spending exactly 43 mins and 36 seconds on treadmill. I can plan 24 hours into the future, then it gets blurry after that.

2) I am composing this post from my iPhone. I'm trying out this whole mobile blogging thing, because what I need in my hectic life is just another distraction. Anyways, I'm using the lame freebie app which affords me just the most basic functionality but hey, you never know. If this goes well I may let up being so stingey and "splurge" on the $2.99 app which will no doubt unlock a world of procrastination possibilties.

3) Okay, I thought of a third thing. I watched all episodes of gLee in the last 3 days and yea, okay - the singing is nice and I find it hilarious that Kurt is the mirror image of sooo many of my friends, but that aside the show was somewhat so so for me. The saving grace of the show for me is Sue Sylvester. In all her narcissistic snarkiness, her impeccable wit to her claiming ownership of Madonna & all things great, Sue Sylvester is the most brilliant villain on TV, hands down! Love her!

Anyways, that's it.

Good night world! xo

Oyster Bay Bliss

2010-05-15T20:27:00.001-10:00

So I've returned from the vacay, and glad to say - it's reinstated some semblance of my sanity - Thank GOD! Amazing what a good night's sleep and a significant amount of dollars spent can do for your perspective.

Time with the family was spent appropriately doing lots of eating, ego hoisting and drinking. My sister graduated from Uni, with Honours and is now a making the bucks as a big shot Engineer - proud proud moment for the whanau, which was of course celebrated with yet more eating, egos, and a dozen bottles of Oyster Bay Savignon Blanc.

I also ate lots of pies. I introduced my Dad to the wonders of the iPad and needless to say - he is never using a pesky laptop or that ancient thing called a desktop. EVER again. On the days I was too lazy or too cold to scour the Auckland shopping arena, I stayed home and rifled through my mother's closet which impossibly, continues to grow and transform at an alarming rate. The woman has more clothes than the Queen of Sheba. Did I mention I ate pies?

The only disappointment was perhaps that I only returned with only one new pair of shoes (Poor effort, I know) And of course there was the unfortunate Rainbow's End incident, which I won't delve into much detail other than to say, there was a scream of terror, followed by the most obnoxious and painful neck strain possible. I was not thrilled at having to browse Lynn Mall like I was bloody C3PO or someone else with a steel rod shoved up through my arse to my skull? Painful much? Yes, quite so.

Other than those unfortunate lowlights, I found the incessant drinking, credit card swiping, and hungover couch potato, pie glutton action to be an absolute blast and utterly rejuvenating.

Good sh!t

Yesterday was my first day back at work and I walked around like a ridiculous ray of sunshine giving out pineapple lumps and peanut slabs to my co-workers like I was the fricken Good Witch of the North or something. Needless to say, I. Am. Back!

Clean Slate

2010-04-30T14:55:00.000-10:00

New look for the blog today, because:
1) It's my effort to shake off the proverbial bullshit of the last few weeks - I'm confident it will do nothing, so I'm simply humouring myself.
2) It's my procrastinative activity of the week - highly important for sustained healthy career growth.
3) and just because those shoes are so darn pretty... aside of course, from being comfortable, practical and affordable at the low, low price of $550 USD. You can buy them here or just drool over them (like I did) from 7 different views here.

I will be off next week on a much needed vacation. I will no doubt spend enough time and money with family to make me appreciate once again my current solitary, slave-driven existence. Yes, that will make me feel better. And hopefully, less of a bitch around these ways. I think I've been this ahem - unpleasant lately because I am no longer diluting my misery with vodka as past habits have dictated and henceforth, the world is bearing the brunt of my clean and clear bloodstream. Lucky world.

I am New Zealand bound and I look forward to New Zealand, with it's clean, green attitude and horrid accents. With it's meat pies and skinny jeans. With it's fresh fruit and cheap wine. I look forward to it's cool air and pink cheeks. To it's old friends and loud family. To it's Wendy's and BK whoppers. To my Dad's home cooked meals and my mother's endless opinions and sneaky trips to the mall. To a day of screaming at Rainbows End. I look forward to stealing grapes and pistachio nuts while scouring the aisles at PAK N SAVE. I can't believe I'm saying this but I look forward to Auckland with it's suburb streets dotted with endless bakeries and fish and chips shops. I look foward to all things Kiwiana and the mana of the tagata whenua, I look forward to it c l e a n s i n g me of my dreadful disposition. "A change of wallpaper" as someone said to me yesterday, that's what I need. And some Guiseppe Zanotti shoes wouldn't hurt either.

Auckland Museum. I'm going here.

Image Credit: StuartCannan

Hell week

2010-04-28T18:16:00.003-10:00

The last few weeks have been kind of hmmm hellish. This was a draft post from a few days ago.
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So I've been in a bit of funk lately. A specific kind of funk. The one where I hate the world, most especially work and men. The one where it's MY way, and God Help You if you think there's any other way. Thanks to being surrounding by a constant supply of unsuspecting, foolish company - everyone I've encountered has just been eating it! For the past two weeks (at least) my every day vocabulary has been abundantly peppered with name calling, fire breathing and all sorts of colorful language. And of course my overall demeanour has been at best disapproving and bitchy. Just to be clear, anybody who so much as looked at me in any way other than lovingly, I stripped them of their dignity and zapped their naked remains into fiery oblivion with unladylike verbal daggers and a look considered illegal in most countries. All in all, I've been hell on heels. And the sun had the nerve to come out. Currrrse you, Sun and your dreadful nerve to enter my realm. Curse you!

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Aren't I just Charming. Just a ray of fucking sunshine, aren't I :-)

Since then, I'm glad to report, that even though I'm not ready to compromise, co-operate or even discuss having things any way other than my own, I've moved over, and allowed the sun permission to shine freely without my scorn.

That's Progress, wouldn't you say?

Lemon heaven.

2010-04-13T20:56:00.003-10:00

A couple of nights ago I dreamt that I died and went to heaven, after dying a painful bloody death in a tomato slicer like contraption - gory, yes, but that wasn't the most memorable bit of my dream.

Heaven, as I remember it, was - cliche as it sounds - the most beautiful place ever. Not in a physical sense but it just felt really good to be there. I recall a clear sense of what can only be described as utter elation. I was deeply content and at peace. There was no gravity, no pain, faint harp music and lots of light. I'm sure I was smiling ear to ear, if not floating above my bed at that point.

The thing that struck me as a little odd was the lemon slices. Gleaming yellow, perfect half moon, thin lemon slices were all around me suspended like frozen citrus snowflakes. I was mesmerized. A smiling someone handed me a bag lined with lemon slices which was filled with perfectly formed ice cubes and nodded for me to help myself. My next thought was... Hmmmm... where's the vodka?

At which point of course, I woke up.

Heavenly drink of choice?

Tax Bitch.

2010-02-18T20:01:00.000-10:00

Generally in life, I'm one of those boring by-the-rules-people. I did my homework, listened to my parents, I almost never lied to them, I didn't get pregnant as a teenager, I ate my vegetables, I went to church, I wasn't a problem child. I mean, sure I sometimes buy shoes beyond my means, maybe I can be a mean bitch (when provoked) and okay I didn't return my library books that one time in middle school, but generally speaking I've played life by the rules.

Today, being the do-gooder, law abiding citizen I am, I went to get my taxes completed and filed in time, because you know, it's the law and it's the right thing to do, and lo and behold - I owe the state just over $2500. Uhhhhhhh. *Dizzy speechless moment* Reaction: F*CK WHAT?!

Apparently, I earn too much, the Government withholds too little and I don't get tax credits because I didn't pay for my education and I have no kids or dependents.

Which made me mad beyond belief that I had to laugh. So get this, because I listened to my parents got an education on scholarship, got a career for myself and opted NOT to have children before getting married, I am being PENALIZED by the fucking Government. Oh the FUCKING irony.

Basically, if I were in a lower paying job, with a bunch of kids to support, almost GUARANTEED I would earn a fat refund. When I was a lazy drunkard student with no job, the Government paid me a healthy refund, and now that I am a contributing, hard working member of society, I am not only perpetuating lazy drunkard-ness, and baby-making in our underfunded, over-populated society but I am paying for it out of pocket!

ARRRGGGH! F*CKMYLIFE!

Chooooooooohooooooo!

2010-02-15T12:29:00.000-10:00

Nuff Said.

New Year, New Shoes.

2010-02-03T23:30:00.004-10:00

January 2010, is the first month in the five years since I started blogging that I didn't post. Fair to say, life has been hectic, being dominated mostly by my gung-ho efforts to carve a career for myself.

As many Samoans/ people I know would agree - 2009 was one of the rough ones, with far more than it's fair share of heartache. I wish I could say it was extremely enriching and we all grew immensely from it, but frankly, it hurt like hell, and I'm glad it's over. I'm adding my prayer to the queue in God's waiting list of wishes: For 2010 to be kind to us.

Holiday Season came and went in a blur. The memorable bits of it being finally getting off work at 8.30pm on Xmas Eve, having my entire family (parents & siblings) under one roof for the first time in yonks and more importantly sharing a beer for breakfast with my Dad & siblings at 10am on a Tuesday morning.

I'm 8 months deep into living in American Samoa, I'm still staunchly a foreigner (lol) but in many ways I've adjusted to the maddeningly consistent potholes, American accents, excessive Mayonaise consumption, and gangsta personas. Work is still by far the most educational experience I've had in a long time. I went on an off island work trip last month and attended about 40 meetings in 3 days. The 4 inch round toe pump heels came off 8 hours into the first day and I wore flats the rest of the time. When I finally had some time on my last day to browse some shoe aisles, I found myself doing a very foreign thing - which is considering "comfort" when I'm shoe shopping. Ha!

My mom just spent a week and half with me here and I spent the whole time watching the familiar sight of her getting her kicks as person after person commented on how young she looks and refer to her as my sister. She cleaned my house to the squeaky-shiny-can eat off my floor standard of cleanliness attainable only by Moms which included from re-ordering my closet, rearranging all my furniture, re-doing my clean laundry and buying me a new assortment of drinking goblets and glasses because the ones I had were "plain". I'm afraid to even walk on my polished floors now in case she appears out of thin air and tells me to stop being such a slob. Lol I miss her.

Well, it's February already. 2010. Already. Damn. No joke in the saying : Time waits for no man, or warrior woman as may be the case! My only word of advice for the year is - You'd better have the right footwear!

Happy 2010 :)

The Frank Book

2009-12-04T12:20:00.004-10:00

A piece I wrote about Pageants in Samoa got published last year, in Chapter 35 of The FRANK BOOK - a youth culture publication out of New York City.

The web version was updated today. Enjoy! (Or not - I couldn't care less) but here it is.

Weight Watching

2009-12-01T22:18:00.008-10:00

I've discovered several things recently.

Kellogg's Special K - Protein Plus tastes like fricken CARDBOARD. Eck!

Several weeks ago, I embarked on a weight loss challenge because, well there's no pretty way about it, the size of my ass was just getting out of hand, I was feeling yucky. Oh, and it was becoming all too regular people asking me if I was "carrying".

So I've been exercising consistently - which I can get into - the hard part has been controlling what I've been eating. I spent many an hour researching diets and nutrition to find something that suited me and it's funny, if you read enough - pretty much EVERYTHING you eat is bad according to one diet expert or another. Don't eat fat, don't eat carbs, don't eat sugar, don't eat salt, don't eat fruits, don't eat red meat, don't eat too late, don't eat... AT ALL? Goddamnyoupeople!

Eventually - I decided to keep it simple - eat less, exercise more. The exercise has been challenging but fun - being the control freak that I am - I like to go to the gym because I can time myself and check all the indicators while I work out - Calories lost, resistance levels, distance, time etc. Forget the view - show me the calories! Lol. It's anal I know - but you can piss off and go climb Kilimanjaro if you want. I've peppered in some taebo classes, outdoor hikes and paddling for good measure. The biggest issue has been the strain on the joints from treadmill running. Turns out - my ass has gotten too heavy for my knee caps. Ha!

Another interesting thing has been this whole identity thing I have with food. I'm fiercely proud of my gluttonous love for cake, steak and sugary umbrella drinks. It might sound weird but it's been the strangest thing curbing those from my diet (for the moment of course, I'd sooner DIE than give those up for good). Like today, I had a total out of body experience when I turned down a perfectly warm, juicy burger that a colleague bought for me. I gave it away and the whole time I was thinking to myself "Who ARE you???" And here I sit - eating CARDBOARD for dinner. How am I able to reconcile this within myself - is a complete mystery even to me, but it's been kind of a trippy side effect of all this. You know you're unhealthy when you talk about eating healthy like you're on drugs. Lol!

Nom nom nom nom.

I read an article today that said that American Samoa tops the World Health Organization list of the most overweight country in the world. According to a survey they conducted a whopping 93.5% of American Samoans are overweight. Initial thoughts - "Living here - it's pretty evident that people here are chunky, but damn 93.5% - That is an overwhelming statistic!" Followed immediately by - "I'll be damned if I get dragged into that pool."

Being the overly enthusiastic researcher that I am - I looked up the WHO report - I wasn't able to find the report but I did find the official WHO Body Mass Index - a way to calculate whether you're within your ideal weight. Apparently not only am I overweight - according to my BMI reading I'm PRE-OBESE.

My reaction was: Um, nigga say WHAT?

I calculated and even at my lightest (about a year ago), I'm still considered overweight, according to oh, only the WORLD AUTHORITY on Heath and Well-Being.

Which of course leads me to believe - this sh!t is WACK! Or wait, I know! They probably formed this index based on starving chinese children. Yes, that must be it. Phew!

So - the challenge continues. I've lost about 10lbs so far, which I guess I can be proud of. I feel fitter and healthier which has been the biggest benefit. The goal is to lose another 10. Then I'd be healthier and happier.

Fuck WHO. And Kelloggs too.

Live long and happy holidays!

Tisa's Tattoo Fest

2009-11-05T21:34:00.001-10:00

I know this is one of those instances where the saying "almost doesn't count" applies but in the weekend I came scarily close to volunteering to have myself permanently etched with ink. There's something immensely enticing about allowing yourself to bear permanent visible testimony to a decision at one point in your life. It's like a statement - this is who I am and I bear it proudly. It's almost intimidating in it's permanence, daring you - This is me. WHO ARE YOU??? Which of course makes those who get tattoos either immensely courageous or... just plain foolish. Whatever the motives, whether on a whim or meticulously planned, whether stenciled or free hand, by machine or traditional tools, it's undeniable that tatau/ tattooing in the Pacific exudes strength and mana, and the results are just incredibly beautiful.

In the weekend I attended Tisa's Tattoo Fest '09 at Tisa's Barefoot Bar on Alega Beach, on the East Side of Tutuila.

Some of my favourite snapshots are below.

More pics here.

No work on Sundays.

2009-10-25T10:47:00.002-10:00

It's a Sunday morning in Tutuila and I am enjoying the sounds of Sunday morning. The calm humming of my A/C unit and the hypnotic thrashing of the seas from the not so distant shoreline. I can see the wind moving through the trees outside my window and the sunshine piercing through the clouds like it does only on Sundays in Samoa. This is one of my favourite parts of my week, Sunday morning, doing nothing at all. No work on Sundays.

It's going on 5 months since I moved here and as I take a moment to think about it - It's been an intense time. This is thanks not only to the unforgiveable events of Sep. 29, 09 but just to life in general.

Career wise - this is exactly the kind of assignment I was seeking. The kind that has me doing new things constantly, the kind with good mentors, the kind with lots of responsibility and lots of risk, the kind that has reduced me to tears on occassion, the kind that pushes me to the proverbial edge of my potential and demands of me to dance on the edge, and smile while doing so.

When I look back on my career track record - I've always been pretty focussed about the direction I want to take in my career (UP!) but very fickle in work assignments/ jobs I've had. Being the eternal optimist I've always sought the lesson or just found the silver lining in jobs that I've found not challenging enough, disappointing or just a waste of time. I'm big on attributing meaning to even my most bland of experiences so I've been good at looking on the bright side even to the point of squinting til my eyes cry and conjouring up the mirage in my head.

And while this is no ride the proverbial park - I can honestly say, I'm being put through my paces.

And I like it.

Almost as much as I like no work on Sundays.

Tsunami Chant

2009-10-25T09:24:00.001-10:00

I got this in email recently. Feel free to add on and share.

The evening bells have just rung for evening prayer.

Our prayer tonight is

that of gratitude

that our family and neighbours are safe.

But our hearts

are with those families

who can not say the same,

who will sleep tonight

without a son,

a daughter,

a mother,

a father,

an uncle,

an aunt,

a cousin.

Their loss is our loss.

Even the night birds feel it.

~ Sia Figel

Even the night birds feel it

your words

swim the sky

and through

red feather clouds

and blood tears

i know that we are

connected

even in our disconnectedness

of space

~ Frances Koya

Even in our disconnectedness

of space

the whole of Samoa is on its knees

Samoa in Aotearoa

Samoa in Fiji

Samoa in Amerika

Samoa in Hawai'i

praying and

swallowing salt tears

swallowing time

shoes and soles of feet

swallowing bones and lives and sheet

memories of the day before Wednesday

swallowing distance and space

swallowing our sea memories

to taste this pain

that is ours

~ Selina T. Marsh

To taste this pain that is ours

To remember one's heart is there

On that day in September

At the earliest hour

They watched the sea disappear

The bay empty like a valley

The sea rush back in a moan

Took the weaver from her fale

Took the child from warm arms

Took the elder from his family

Took the sleeper from her sleep

The blue deep, deep moana

There at the sacred heart of us

That echoes through each of us

When the panic madness falls

And the calm tide breathes

With all Samoa everywhere

With all of Tonga too

Remember your hearts there

And my heart too

~ Dan Taulapapa McMullin

And my heart too,

along with yours.

We are reminded

in the most brutal way

that we are all connected.

We are reminded

in the most brutal way,

that our relationship

with the ocean

is never

on our

own terms.

We are reminded

in the most brutal way

why dominion over nature

was never a part

of our epistemology.

We are reminded

in the most brutal way

why we know ourselves to be

simply a part

of a sacred continuum

of sacred relationships

where even

the ocean is alive,

where even

the night birds feel,

where even

the rocks have spirit,

where even

the blood red clouds

know why they are red.

We are reminded

in the most brutal way

the balance of life betweenÂ

is sacred, va tapuia,

endlessly interconnected

across distance, space, time, species, life, death.

We are reminded

in the most brutal way

why long before

Christ arrived

on these shores

we have always been

a people of spirit

a people of faith.

~ Karlo Mila

A people of faith

A people

A people of

A people of faith

Faavae i le atua

They said

God will protect us

They said

Samoa is founded on God.

O children of the great and mighty Fofoaivaoese Those of us who watch, and listen from the great watery expanses of all the corners of the earth hear Samoa's cry Fofoaivaoese will not desert you Samoa For even now the groundswell of love, support and prayers Wave after wave after wave will crash on the very same tear-filled shores which tore our worlds assunder and will overcome, embrace and lift up our people, our aiga, our villages...our Samoa.

from despair and devastation

Do not grieve Samoa,

Outou, mataou, tatou...

With one hand we will hold on to the ancient words and wisdom of our ancestors And with the other we will grasp the almighty power of Le Atua As we people of faith Calmly but surely...do what we have to do Do Do what Do what we Have to do To remain...

People of faith

People of the Vao ese

We are here, watching, listening

And waiting.....

~ Melani Anae

We are here, watching, listening

And waiting â€¦

Waiting for the sun to lick our wounds dry Waiting for the breeze to untie the knotted memory Left ,Swept in by Moana

Aueeee, our fathers cry

Aueee, our mothers cry

Auee, our children cry

Aue, we all cry

We cry salted tears

We cry silent fear

We cry mournful alofa

For our people

We cry, Aueâ€¦. We cry!

~ Allan Alo

Aueeeeee…

The now calm and perfect seas do not answer me

When I ask why you have taken my loved ones

To never return

You, earth beneath the oceans, do not answer me

When I ask why, you sneezed, and caused the sea to

Tremble

And release her power on my helpless people

Did you sky, issue a warning in your many colours

And I did not know

Did you birds try to tell me, in your cries and flying patterns

And I could not read it

Did you waves and trees try to tell me

That the earth was about to move

And I could not hear nor see your message

Aueeeee…

~Tepora Afamasaga

Aueeee....

Our cries,

Amplified by the pain in our twisted hearts.

Our cries,

Carried by the wind

Slowly losing its volume

With each mile

Diluted by the distance

Eventually,

Falling flat

On the merciless ocean.

Not heard. Not acknowledged.

Inconsequential to mother nature.

Eventually.

Left in silence.

Sucking in deep breaths.

Searching deep within ourselves

Past the unanswered questions

Beyond the inconsolable pain

Through the tears & shattered faith.

Piercing through survivors guilt

Looking across the blood drenched shores of Aleipata

Searching.

Seeking.

Deep within ourselves.

To find,

Peace.

~ F. Vaai

"It"

2009-10-16T13:37:00.001-10:00

It's been just over 2 weeks since it happened.

I've really had neither the time nor the gall to be able to properly say what's been going on since it happened because, well, I just couldn't. Words just feel inadequate to really convey it's impact on us all.

The only obvious thing is this: Our lives are changed forever, because of it.

Today, a tsunami hit Samoa.

2009-09-30T00:47:00.003-10:00

Tuesday, September 29, 2009
9:48 AM
Status: Sitting on a mountain-side. Shocked & Dreading.

Actually, to start from the beginning, I was laying naked on my bed, recovering after being sorely conquered by a stairmaster at the gym this morning when an earthquake, literally, shook my already fragile world.

It took a few seconds to register that it was an earthquake and not just my bearings playing tricks with me. I grudgingly took myself out of bed, wrapped myself in a sheet and stepped outside. Bloody Mother Nature interrupting my slumber. How rude.

In the half hour that followed, I moseyed around taking my sweet time in the shower, cooked and enjoyed a breakfast of eggs and spaghetti over toast, ironed my clothes and checked my phone as I got into the car to leave for work. There was a missed call, and a voicemail. I listened to a hectic voicemail message from a friend of mine from Samoa with lots of background noise: "... I'm calling to check if you're okay, I heard the quake came out of Pago". I call back and explain calmly that I felt the quake, and was frankly a little bothered by it, and that I was on my way to work now. My friend replied with: SAMOA IS EVACUATING, WE ARE HEADING TO VAILIMA! GET UP A DAMN MOUNTAIN NOW!

I turned on the radio and so started the slow dark realization that Mother Nature is just simply a force - not to be fucked around with.

Phone Calls, Radio Reports & Internet articles explained that three tsunamis had hit the East Coast of American Samoa destroying buildings, cars and potentially dozens of lives. The east coast of Upolu, part of Savai'I and Manono had been severely hit.

I listened as a friend spoke to his colleague who had been in one of the main buildings hit during the waves of… waves. She saw cars in the parking lot, including her brand new truck, thrashed about like toy trucks, she saw a dead body floating by and she was still in the building, too afraid to leave.

Radio announcers pleaded with the public to go to higher ground until further notice and then consequently announced for people to stay off the roads and phone lines. Just try and stop people from calling their loved ones and hitting the road to get to safer ground. Real smart announcement. I could feel the panic and fear in the airwaves as the island songs which served as intermissions became eerie background music to the chaos unfolding around us. Public Safety and the police departments called for all Police officers to come in to work and help clear the debris on the struck areas. I couldn't help but think about DMO ads on TV in Samoa and how it might all be playing out over there. Reports of students in school uniforms looting stores were abound in the media. "The college is closed. Your children are safe in this location." Families frantically calling each other just to hear each other's panicking voices.

I called my sleeping family and informed them I was okay to which the prompt reply was "Okay, zzzzzzzz." I heard a report that three children drowned in the tsunami as a result of Mother Natures wrath in Savai'i. Glued to the radio with nothing to do but wait, wait for news, for an all clear, hoping that we're on high enough ground. Hoping, that Mother Nature will have mercy on us.

God help us all.

Destiny's child audition tape - 1997

2009-08-12T20:12:00.004-10:00

Beyonce looks and sounds the same now as at 15, don't you think?

Some bitches have all the luck.

Lol, ioe, chalus.

Courtesy of Kanye's Blog

Change, stilettos & immigration fraud

2009-08-05T13:25:00.006-10:00

It’s been a truly long minute since I hated on men, complained about work, and just bitched in general about life on here. The reasons for my hiatus are varied in real importance and shock value ranging from the fact that I was the (guilty) suspect in a police investigation to the fact that I’m just kind of a lazy ass.

I write these lines in the dusty and now Swine flu infested streets of Apia, no mask on (what can I say, I'm living life on the edge) sucking on a Halls Defense lolly fighting off the remnants of lethargy from deportation and a three week long bout of a truly deathly stream of the flu and fever combo.

To start, I should mention that about two months ago, I broke up with my boyfriend, quit my job, moved out of the country and just generally decided that my life philosophy needed a revamp. Because whoever dreamt up the sap story that true love and an honest day’s work were a way to happiness is a complete dipshit. After rudely discovering the untruth in that crock of crap, I did what any real woman would do. Run for the hills! or for the airport rather and head overseas to immerse myself in crowds of nobody. My travels took me hiking, fish pond visiting, and of course hightailing straight to nearest shoe store, pit stopping only to top up my vodka and for the occasional pole dance. You know, to stay fit.

Eventually, three countries, a couple of thousand miles and a dozen new pairs of shoes later, my appetite was sated and by appetite I mean of course, bank account, and I settled down into facing the whole new country, new job thing I’d signed up for.

I moved about a half hour flight away from home to a country with the same language, same weather, with practically the same name but boy did I feel like a foreigner there. Which I don’t hate, I welcome the anonymity for a change (Eh! lol) but I didn’t expect it to be as “different” as it is.

Like the time I was called in for a “meeting” which turned out to be an interrogation where cops flashed their badges and read me my rights. I swear, it felt like a ghetto episode of Law & Order. To cut a long story short, I managed to avoid being thrown into a dingy jail cell, get my confiscated passport returned, get the stop order on my leaving the country lifted and fly home on a paid vacation while they sort their mess out.

I mean, can you imagine. Coz like, yea, my rack looks that good.

The silver lining on the ordeal is that the incompetence in the government staff there is reminiscent of what I’ve encountered at home which I found morbidly comforting, minus the whole interrogation and deportation thing.

Needless to say, I’m still finding my feet in my new surroundings.

Wish me luck.

RIP MJ

2009-07-03T18:14:00.001-10:00

“I was a veteran, before I was a teenager.”
- Michael Jackson

Independence 47 - A photo essay

2009-06-08T18:06:00.001-10:00

Complete set here.

quotable

2009-06-07T15:24:00.001-10:00

"Walk tall, or baby don't walk at all."

Love and Prayers for Luana

2009-06-03T11:13:00.000-10:00

In the weekend, a friend of mine was critically injured in a horrific car accident.

It was a like jolt of shock when I found out. I'm still in disbelief and my heart is burning with love for this girl and her family. As soon as I found out I headed to the hospital hoping for the best, fearing the worst, and unsure of what to say or do. We arrived into a sea of sad eyes and heavy hearts of friends and loved ones, clinging desperately to each other in hope while a noticeable air of helplessness hung heavy in the damp morning air.

The outlook was not good. She had suffered immense injuries and was on life support.

We were afforded a precious moment to go in and see her. On the way in I met and hugged her older sister, feeling deeply for her and what she must be going through as a doctor and mostly, as a sister. We entered her corner of the HDU, she lay out covered chin high in a white sheet, the ominous sound of the life supported breathing echoing through the room. All around, tears spilled quietly as family members and friends filtered in and out of the room unable to bear the sight of their loved one in such dire straits on a hospital bed, as though it wasn't real until the moment they saw her with their own eyes. I watched as her mother kissed her daughters hand, spilling her tears on her as she whispered to her, heart break in her eyes.

In the back of that room, I cried and prayed for her life.

It takes an event like this to remind us that for all our attention to the fanfare, "Life" is amazingly short and what ever is stressing you out, there is always more to be thankful for. To all of you who have been a part of my life, however big or insignificant a part. From the bottom of my heart, Thank you.

The outlook is still not good for my friend. If you've a spare moment, please think of her and her family.

All my love and prayers are for you Luana.

Milk it.

2009-05-27T12:04:00.005-10:00

Last night I watched the movie "Milk".

Great film. I recommend it.

My recommendation is not just an "up yours" to our national censor who banned this film from being screened in Samoa for no apparent reason other than his glaring personal prejudices. This film and more pointedly, the story and life of Harvey Milk are on it's own merits undoubtedly courageous and beautiful. Harvey Milk, after many failed attempts, became the first openly gay elected public official in the US in the 1970s.

He sought equal rights and opportunities for all, and his great love for the city and its people brings him backing from young and old, straight and gay, alike – at a time when prejudice and violence against gays was openly accepted as the norm. Milk served San Francisco well while lobbying for a citywide ordinance protecting people from being fired because of their orientation – and rallying support against a proposed statewide referendum to fire gay schoolteachers and their supporters; he realized that this fight against Proposition 6 represented a pivotal precipice for the gay rights movement. Milk's platform was and is one of hope – a hero's legacy that resonates in the here and now.

Just ask Obama.

Further, Sean Penn is absolutely amazing as Harvey Milk. Well deserved Best Actor Oscar win! In my opinion he blows Brokeback Mountain out of the water in terms of how convincing and in character his portrayal of a gay man is. That in an of itself is reason to watch this film.

This real life example of someone willing to stand up for their beliefs, and the beliefs of many others in the face of such widespread ignorance and hatred is one that ought to be celebrated. Only the mind of someone so insecure in their own sexuality and beliefs would be so blinded by their own fear and fail to see the strength and empowering beauty in this true story.

Credits: In this post I used material from this Milk synopsis

The Emancipation of Sayuri.

2009-05-25T18:31:00.002-10:00

I had a talk with my mother recently.

We talked about recent events in my life that caused me to really feel like I had been run over by a bulldozer and my heart was open being picked at by vultures.

Our conversation reminded me of a scene in a parody of Memoirs of a Geisha I'd seen where Geisha in training Sayuri complains to Mother about her difficulty in accomplishing the "stop a man in his tracks" look.

"But isss haaahrd," Sayuri cries.

Mother calmly looks up at her and say "Trrryyy haaaahrder."

The parody was the source of many laughs between friends and I when we first saw it online some years ago. And I find it ironic that I'm reminded of it in such a low moment in my life.

My mom basically listened as I tipped the well of my heart out told her how I felt.

I shared that despite that I had walked away from the scene of the crime, it didn't take away from the fact that I was obliterated by the whole experience and despite knowing that I should just cut my losses, stop, drop and roll my way out of torment, I was stuck in questioning why this had happened to me, and what in the name of sweet Jesus I had done to deserve such treatment.

"Na ua e fasia i ou lava mafaufauga. You hold on to the pain, that's why you hurt child," she said.

"Harbour no hard feelings my dear. You only prolong your pain. The second you decide to stop feeling sorry for yourself, you'll realise that you can't accept the good in life and resent the bad. You've got to accept it and move on. Life awaits."

More empowering words were never spoken.

The next day, I went to the spa, and realized in the midst of the mood music and the exfoliating massage that I was feeling more peace than I had in a long time.

Thank God for mothers like mine.

He said, she said.

2009-05-21T11:59:00.001-10:00

I hate that word closure, you said.

Why? I asked.

Closure means the end of something, you said.

Closure means finding a sense of peace, I said.

Oh okay, you said.

What do you want, I said?

I want us, you said.

There is no more us, I said.

I want you, you said.

You had me, I said.

You had all of me, and everything I had to give. And then you had someone else, I reminded.

I'm sorry, I can't have that. I don't want that, I said.

"But I "prefer" to be with you," you said.

All I could think is, fuck if I care what you prefer.

How can we share so much and you know so little about what I need?

And if you know, how could you do so little about it?

Do nothing.

Your actions scream at me louder than your words ever did.

And your words.

If all I am after all of this, is your preference.

Go fuck yourself.

I hurt.

2009-05-20T13:04:00.001-10:00

I'm swimming in chandeliers and champagne flutes.
Adorned in admiration and accolades.
High heels and high class.
The world, my oyster.
Success, my aphrodisiac.
It's trappings, at my manicured fingertips.
Yet my eyes glaze over it.
Yet, I'm short of air.
Feels like my own hand clenched around my heart.
Depriving me of blood.
Protecting me from the world.
Crushing me in the process.
I feel boxed in.
By a tightness in my chest, that won't let up.

Mwuahahaha.. . . .

2009-05-19T10:01:00.001-10:00

I laugh in the face of difficult situations.

Actually, I lie.

I cried my eyes out into the fucking Vaisigano river.

I burned the pages of my memory that were littered with meaningless, empty images of a pipedream.

I cursed cheating, hating, lying bastard mother fuckers to a slow, burning death.

I screamed every expletive under the sun until I was so tired I couldn't even think "fuck you".

Only after that, could I turn my puffy, angry eyes to pay a glance to the face of difficult situations.

Life is a goddamn bitch.

Drip feeding you with blips of meaningless joy.

Blinding you with false hope.

Only to stampede all over the foundations of your dream.

Unsettling your mirage.

Leaving only dust, and vapour.

Both of which settle and disappear.

To leave you alone.

In piercing heat of the unforgiving sun.

Searing your skin.

Life is a fucking barbeque of broken hearts and laughable optimism.

And I am laughing desperately in it's face.

Trance

2009-05-14T09:45:00.001-10:00

Keep on keeping on.
Throwing myself at work.
To keep busy.
Afraid to stop.
Afraid to face the sound.
The deafening silence.
Must keep moving.
Engaged in the motions.
Overwhelm my mind with work.
Just to forget.
Must keep moving.
Don't want to face the truth.
The despairingly painful.
Lonely truth.
Must go faster.
Go farther.
Go away.
From you.

Untitled

2009-05-12T08:53:00.001-10:00

Tears etch a path down my face
Sucking the dryness out of my pores
Wearing tracks down my skin.
They gushing endlessly
From the poisoned well that is my love.

Knee deep in anger and self loathing.
Waist deep in hurt and resounding shock.
Drenched in questions and double takes.
Drowning in useless, merciless tears.

What a world of fools, I live in.
A world of dashed hopes and capped dreams.
A world of disappointment and un-done ideals.
Of misplaced faith and unsound investments.
Of thankless giving.
Of sin.

Oh, what a fool.

Hope

2009-05-03T16:57:00.001-10:00

Too much has happened since last writing here.

I'd go through it, but I'm dizzy just thinking about it.

Most of it evolves around the following two points of fact:

Point one being - that I've thrown myself at carving a career out of the slothful slumber at work. This of course induces a great deal of fire breathing and martinis, to you know, repair the broken spirit and re-ignite my jaded optimism.
The second point being, that the lovely man on whom I take my workplace induced fire-breathing out on, still calls me darling. I like a resilient man.

This coming week is quite crucial to both of these points. I'm nowhere near sound minded enough to give all the details buuuut, just quickly it involves a court case, miffed parents, a job offer, a possible move, getting fat and possibly $45,000 to worry about.

None of which I think I can drink my way out of.

Ah, rats.

Lol.

Can always count on my knee-jerk cynicism to find a solution when I'm in a pickle. And that solution usually comes in a short glass on the rocks. Hahaha.

Ah, life.

Truth be told. I don't feel so cynical anymore. Perhaps the it's the dreaded growing up syndrome finally sinking it's claws into me.

I wrote on FB today that I was going to Fa'amanatuga today. Someone then asked me if that was a good thing. To which I responded - The better word is probably "hopeful" - which kind of perfectly describes my current mode.

So much could go wrong but I gotta cling to the hope that at the same time, so much could go right.

I WANT!

2009-03-09T15:08:00.001-10:00

Jimmy Choo Samoa kid sandals.

That's hot.

Sent to you by Fotu via Google Reader:

Jimmy Choo Samoa kid sandals

via The Shoe Goddess by TheShoeGoddess on 3/4/09

These Jimmy Choo orange sandals are absolutely stunning for summer, and the orange is just bright enough to add a spark of color to your basic summer style. Perfect to pair with a sundress, these shoes are perfect for day to night, and weekend festivities. The straps really resemble shining rays of sunshine, leaving the top of your foot the center of attention, as the sun. These shoes are fresh, with a clean design that makes them the epitomy of sophistication.

By Samantha

Jimmy Choo Samoa kid sandals $785.00 Net-a-porter

Jimmy Choo Samoa kid sandals back view

Jimmy Choo Samoa kid sandals

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Marriage - what's the fuss?

2009-02-24T17:55:00.001-10:00

Some interesting commentary on this piece on Marriage - what's the fuss? in Spasifik Magazine by Qiane (pronounced Key-r-neh) Corfield-Matata.

Some commentary

Interesting-thought provoking piece here. I'm 25, my partner has been married before, and while there's no pressure for us to deck out in white, don some bling in the name of sharing last names and a bathroom for the rest of our lives, truth be told, it's interesting to consider (innit!? lol). And while I'm no slave to tradition, I find myself in two minds about it.

While I respect (even condone) Qiane's view that your commitment to your loved one is either solid or not, irrespective of whether you have the party or not, I can't help but believe that, more has to be said for the act of marriage. After all, it's worth recognizing that it has been stupid choices (whether forced or otherwise) that make bad marriages, surely, that shouldn't take away from the importance and value of the act of marriage itself. I think the growing popularity of the laissez faire approach to getting hitched is fed by the escalating rate of failed marriages in this day and age, where weekends with Dad, pre-nups and Hollywood divorces are a dime a dozen. Despite this being the case, I still find it kind of sad to think that in the 21st century, we've become such hardened cynics. My parents have been married for 26 years (yes I was born in wedlock, haha). Today, I think the saying applies, is nothing sacred anymore?

So really, I guess I'm still not sure whether marriage is for me but in all honesty I hope people still do it! I mean sure, you'll spend a few bucks, but what better way to face the recession than to get boozed and profess your love to the person whose name you'll addend with a hyphen on to the end of your signature.

Married or not, I wish you all happiness!

Queen Vic in Samoa

2009-02-07T19:47:00.001-10:00

So Queen Victoria has just left our shores, the cruise ship that is, not the ghost of an English Monarch, and I'm kicking myself at having not gotten some photos of the grand vessel when it was on our shores. Length wise, it was bigger than the wharf. Hehe. Friday day, Apia was crawling with white linen clad, sunscreen smeared, sweaty, pink cheeked tourists. I sat at Vaiala, enjoying a sandwich and the breeze in peace watching them walk past in droves, assumedly to find a sandy patch along Vaiala's merciless shore. Some smiled and waved as they walked past. Some just slowed down - probably negotiating beneath their Prada sunglasses whether it was safe to approach the hungry native - and then speeding up again on their course on perhaps Samoa's worst beach. Finally, a brave man wearing enough sun block to save him from not only melanoma but probably oxygen as well, slowed down and approached me. He hesitated then called out to me from a safe distance of about 10 feet "Caaan Weeee Swiiiim Innn Thiiis Waaaterr?" He asked, pointing at vast Pacific behind him.

I sat quite amused, a smile on my face and I responded. "Sure, just be careful of the crocodiles"

He stood, and then when I didn't laugh or retract my statement right away. He turned on his heel and made his way back wharf bound before he heard me laughing and stopped, turned and smiled, relief more than anything on his face.

"I was kidding. Swim away. But I hope you have reef shoes, the man eating coral are out this time of day."

I doubt they swam. lol

February 09 already?!

2009-01-31T23:10:00.001-10:00

So, it's been a long minute since my last post. I have a myriad of excuses for my absence a number of them teetering on the edge of valid but the majority of them guises for my downright laziness. Teehee.

Well to the stale obvious, it's '09 bitches, and when I say bitches I do of course mean, myself. Looking at my last post it seems I left '08 on a bit of a sour note, yes, I have that effect on people. It's quite an acquired skill. :) I will say that I did in fact get over myself since then. (If only sporadically)

Well I'm tempted to give a lengthy life update, but being the lazy tart that I am, I'll just copy paste something I was trying to unsuccessfully post on Facebook.

Which of course, will set the tone for '09 by shedding pretty much zero additional light on what I want in life. Ah, life. Bless life.

25 Random things about me.

1. I was born on the cusp of Capricorn and Aquarius. I'm sure your lives are all enriched now that you know that :)

2. I love to cook but I hate to clean up. Again, quite rivetting, I know.

3. I haven't lived with my parents/ siblings for over 7 years now. I miss them.

4. I never paid for a cent of my college eduation. In fact, if you pay taxes, you probably did.

5. I once crashed a party, got riotously drunk and friends and I decided to cook ourselves a meal of fried sausages, which we subsequently burnt setting off the fire alarm in the apartment complex causing the building to be evacuated and surrounded by fire trucks. Needless to say, I learnt my lesson. Always buy food after.

6. I am a recovering shoe addict. As a poor student in Wellington, NZ, I had close to 50 pairs of shoes in my dorm room. Most of them ridiculously uncomfortable, of course.

7. I fainted once after reading "Hiedi's Adventures" from cover to cover when I was about 12. The entire book was in about font size 5.

8. I can burp on demand. haha. Gross, I know. Shut up.

9. I have pretty much the same friends I've had my whole life plus the ones I've met along the way. They're the only ones crazy enough to put up with me, bless their hearts.

10. I had the most immense crush on Cole of 3 Ninjas as a kid. I wonder where he's gotten to? Haha.

11. I hate horror/ sci fi movies, but I've seen just about every episode of X-Files. Go figure.

12. I love to play sports and keep active. Even if I rarely do much about that.

13. I'm a lexophile. Look it up. Witty word use makes me giddy.

14. I don't read nearly as much as I used to. I love children's books. My favourite book is by Louis Morrie - The 27th Annual Hippo Race.

15. I'm double jointed. Don't ask what amazing abilities that grants me.

16. People think I'm focused, but I'm chronically indecisive. I have 3 degrees in 5 majors and I haven't stayed in the same place for more than 6 months for the last 5 years.

17. I detest celebrities who don't put their power and money to "good use", but I secretly envy having that kind of money and would probably do the same if I had it.

18. I'd love to attend a UB40 concert, but only if Ali Campbell is the frontman again. He's no good solo, anyway. lol

19. I'm always skeptical at advertising and task myself with finding "the catch".

20. My ideal job would be a travel writer. But then of course, you have to travel and be a decent enough writer, neither of which I find within my means at the moment.

21. I don't remember not knowing how to swim.

22. I love food. Eating it, cooking it, smelling it, talking about it. Just ask Jimmy.

23. I'm a Daddy's girl but I'm exactly like my mother. I'm still coming to terms with that. Haha. :D

24. Underneath all my cynicism, I'm a foolish optimist.

25. I have a lot of respect for people who are original and are comfortable in their own skins.

It's not you, it's me, asshole.

2008-12-03T09:30:00.005-10:00

I've been crying all fucking day.

Over pointless BS like feeling sick, work, missing my family and dumb miscommunications with people who misinterpret my effed up mood for something other than the childish cry for someone to give a damn about my pointless BS, it actually is.

(sigh)

I read somewhere that as a Capricorn, being an earth sign my primary emotion is anger. Which sadly (for the rest of the world) I can't discount since my version of upset usually ranges from mild scorn to my tongue showing as much mercy as the Venus fly trap. I know I'm being blatantly selfish and cynical (all Capricorn traits too) but honestly - times like this when it's just been a shitty day, you've gotta ask yourself - why deal with other people when they'll just piss you the hell off, just like you expect them to.

Turning to your go-to someone to just listen and instead they feel taxed and offended.

As if this is about them. God dammit, this is my pity party.

Humanity is just sooo over-rated.

As is patience and encouragement and peace and all that other sugary stuff they slather reality with.

Serve me with disappointment and anger and rejection and emptiness instead.

At least there are no nasty surprises there.

Because the truth is…

Appearances deceive. Dreams fade. Friends lie. Hope wanes. Bad shit happens. First choices backfire Trust is misplaced.

People who you hoped would prove you wrong about the world, let you down.

Ugh. Whatever.

In this moment – I’m devoid of all hope and humour, riding my "life sucks" train into the night, in here to do nothing but bang on my bitch drum all day.

And it's not for anyone’s goddamn sympathy so take your fucking hugs and give them to a starving child in Africa - they'll still die of hunger.

*Bang bang motherfucking bang*

I need NOTHING but my drum and maybe a champagne cocktail to take the edge off life’s bitterness. Make mine a double.

God grant me the serenity to stop being such a (what’s the prayer appropriate word uhh…) hateful bitch.

Lord help me to see past people’s lack of empathy.

And to stop dousing the human race with virtual kerosene and standing over it with my proverbial match just because "they" refuse to be an emotional punching bag to my little hissy fits.

Help me.

Amen.

Thanksgiving.

2008-11-23T15:18:00.000-10:00

blessed

blessed are the dreamers
wandering through life
with their hearts on their sleeves
wearing their vulnerability
like a badge of honor
brazen in their celebration of freedom

blessed are the realists
charging through life
meeting lifes demands
their hearts always intact
safe beneath their hard outer selves
proud in their defiance of pain

issues of interpretation
bludgeon at our bond
wear out my patience
make you doubt my love

what goes on in our hearts and minds
is it out of our control
or is it only in our control

pick your lens
but don’t lose sight.
Of the inalienable truth.

One unshakable droplet of fact
In a vineyard of uncertainty.

It’s that whichever way you look at it.
We're both blessed.
With each other.

Sunday November 23, 2008

Some days I miss grad school. And then I remember how much I enjoyed it.

2008-11-21T13:30:00.003-10:00

Not paying attention.
You taunt me with your idiocy.
With your notions of "education"
Your "measures" of my "intelligence"
Do nothing but fuel my irritation.
You stand while I sit.
Forcefeeding me with your
Ill prepared lectures and your unsubstantiated claims.
Masked as "education" from a Doctor.
Who are you to diagnose me?
With your concocted cures for my future.
What do you take me for?
A soul needing saving
A sponge obliviously absorbing.
Expecting me to just lay still and
gratefully lap up this crazy propaganda
Because it comes from someone who's "qualified."

I cannot muster the adjectives
To fully describe how incredulous this set up feels like.

Sitting watching you.
Nobly corrupting young minds.

It's obvious to you, me and the desks.
That this that you dare to "teach"
Is utter mediocrity.
And I refuse to listen.
So I'm not.
Not paying attention.

The future is a gift.

2008-11-20T13:34:00.002-10:00

"You're only as good as your next performance, not your last one."

Yes, rough week at work.

Phew.

Aso Sa (incomplete)

2008-11-18T10:59:00.000-10:00

The familiar sounds of Sunday morning lure me out of my deep slumber. I can hear the neighbour husking coconuts and cutting wood for the umu, the birds and roosters insensitively piercing the peaceful dawn lull with their chorus of crows and chirps. It's barely light outside, I can see the leaves of the talie tree outside my window rustling slighting, dancing to the mild morning breeze. There's rain on the way. I can't see it yet but I can hear it the pitter patter of raindrops on nearby the tree tops, the forests playing chinese whispers to let us know that showers are on the way.

I can hear my aunty rather indelicately waking up my younger cousins to go help the neighbours with the Umu.

*Bang bang bang* she's knocking the walls downstairs, shaking the whole house. "GET UP! The food won't cook itself!"

I can hear cousin shuffling in his bed next door, squeezing out what seconds of sleep he can before the inevitable...

*Bang bang bang* she's at the door now. "Don't make me come in there!" *Bang bang*

Her voice having reached the appropriate pitch, he gets up out of bed, his steps habitually nimble as he runs down the stairs and through the side gate into the neighbours shack kitchen.

Rain is upon us now. Beating furiously on the roof outside my second storey window, glistening like diamonds as they slide down the steadily sloping sheets of corrugated iron. The talie now waving its lengthy tendrils about animatedly pushed about by gusts accompanying the rain, the tempo of it's dance routine picking up slightly with the arrival of the rain. I can see my neighbour moving around umu rocks in a well weathered perfectly formed umu patch, his hands gesturing as he talks my cousin through the all important umu making process. My aunty is near by, arms crossed, her watchful eye not flinching as she oversees this handing over of the guard.

more literary vomit

2008-10-22T19:05:00.001-10:00

what f*cking good is it!?

what good are thoughts of care
if they are not expressed

what good are dreams of greatness
if you seem content with less

what good are words of comfort
if spoken out of duty

what good is giving up your all
with no fair reciprocity

what good is it to speak of hope
if deeply you despair

what good is it to find success
and have no-one to share

what good is it to cry for help
and be misunderstood

what good are opportunities
that you didn't take but could

what good is it to talk it out
if nobody hears a thing

what good is exploring new ideas
if to old ways you will cling

what good is seeing potential in one
that they themselves can't see

what good is trying to improve something
that just wants to be.

my solace

there was i
so young yet so jaded
my heart burnt and scarred
seared shut
by mis-givings of the past
adamant only in my withdrawal
from matters of the heart

and there was you
burdened yet hopeful
despite your harsh realities
riding through life on your bike
seeking simple pleasures
your hurt on your sleeve
yet u had a sense of peace

I inspected you
With a skeptical eye
Assessing
Deducing
Wondering
If your outward compassion
Was fraudulent
Your turmoil
Was it honest?

How could one face so much pain
And yet not feel ignored by God
Yet still be appear
So pure.
In their intent to love.

And I’m not saying
That my trials were trivial
Or that your wounds are deeper.

I’m saying.
You gave me perspective.
You showed me what love is.
Without knowing it or intending to
You saved me.

Of books and beauty

2008-10-19T21:33:00.001-10:00

One of the best book I’ve read in a while. Actually, the only book I’ve read in a while.

The Girl in Times Square, by Paullina Simons.

Aside from having a decent plot, characters, themes and twists in this book, this writer is just amazingly talented with her prose. Particularly her description of peoples thoughts and emotions, character’s reflections about life, family, their hardships and joys, they’re intensely personal and real.

Just thought I’d share that.

Here’s a favourite conversation from the book:

"I'm telling you, something happens to beautiful people. The think that something extra is owed to them by life, by God, by all the people around them. They think their life has to be better, more dramatic, happier-in color, not black and white."

"Everyone wishers their life were happier."

"No not like beautiful people. They walk this earth, their chin up to the rest of us, and think that great happiness, great love, great joy is their right and their prerogative. Passion as the entitlement of the beautiful, the way power is the entitlement of the rich. Especially when it comes to love. Beauty and love become somehow synonymous. How can plain people have great love? They can't, that's how. The can have average love, mediocre love, but their hearts can't soar. Only beautiful hearts can soar."

"I think you've hit on the nail right there. Beautiful people don't necessarily have beautiful hearts."

Sleepy prose

2008-10-03T10:40:00.000-10:00

Fia moe

Sleep escapes me, as I toss in the heat.
Unable to extinguish my blasted awakedness.
My thoughts burn the midnight oil
Set alight by change
By fear. By hope. By stuff.
Fuel to the fire.
My mind ablaze, refusing to digress.
Frustration fans the flames.
Feels like a fix is forbidden.
My tiresome body unable to find redress
In the comforts offered by my oscillating fan.
Noisily exerting it's presence about the room.
It's posture is impeccable in it's perfectly timed rotation.
A cunning disguise for it's Made in China fan blades.
That are barely causing a stir in the humid midnight air.
What a waste of 85 tala.

Home sweet Samoa.

2008-09-16T15:50:00.001-10:00

It's great to be home. Love being around the family again, the laughs and the headaches. And of course, all that home cooked goodness everywhere you go. It's no wonder Samoa's health system is strained under the weight of high cholestorol and diabetes. All the bloody luau and fasi povi masima. Which I'm not above, I'll add. So I've taken it all in. The food comas, the horrid pronounciation on radio and TV, the greasy lunch hours, the humid uncompromising heat, the stories about the neighbours son's wife being lazy and useless, the coke in glass bottles and the mosquitoes. Remnants of SPG regalia still pepper the streets of Apia, the traffic snaking around looking slightly confused with RHD vehicles trickling in. Yes I'm taking it all in, and rolling around in it.

So I've been home for a week now, and it's been quite a week swinging (as things do with me) between elation and misery. I was pretty confident that I could come home and just slip back into the swing of my "life" here. I was even enthusiastic about it, for the most part. Grossly over-estimating my grasp on my bearings, within 24 hours of my Monday afternoon landing in Samoa, I was back at work, I was playing netball again, the social calendar was being pencilled all over and I was back in the habit of lunching at fancy new places around town.

Imagine my horror when by Friday, my world began to unravel.

Work, was chaos. In hindsight, being away has numbed me from the bureaucratic and political crap I hated so much about working in Samoa. It took all of about 6 hours of being shuffled about and given lousy excuses about policy and passing the buck for all my piece of mind to turn to vapour. That same first day back at work, I lunched at a swanky new joint with friends only to walk out after waiting almost two hours for my food that still had not arrived despite about four other tables that had arrived after us completing their meals. I went to McDonald's instead and paid $15.90 for a combo meal. Added to that is the fact that I think whoever dreamed up long distance relationships deserves to be caned and have their head ducked in and out of a bucket of ice. And then they should pay my phonebill. I knew it would be hard, but it's nothing short of a Herculean effort for me to not cash in, sign out and scale the Pacific Ocean, or rather, convince him to do that. Um, finkaboudid. LOL!

Sigh.

And so the week progressed with my resolution that the next day would be better even though I only felt sick which I put down to jet lag. Come the much needed weekend, I discovered I might have Dengue Fever. Ha! After a two hour long wait at the doctors and bloodwork, I've since been consigned to antibiotics and three days of bed rest which is giving me the much needed to time to get my frame of mind out of one paradise and back into another.

It shouldn't be a surprise. Me coming home. I mean, it's home. So what's changed. I guess people change. Expectations change. What we want out of life changes. I've changed. So has this place. Not immensely. But it has. Much of it hasn't changed at all. Some people haven’t. They're the lucky ones. Always in control. Or are they? Always trapped in the confines of their ever so predictable world. Never to be caught blindsided. Never to be surprised. Who knows.

I always hated surprises.

We are Samoa...

2008-09-03T12:13:00.002-10:00

Here's a drunken entry from last week...

So I'm up at 5am, painfully aware of why I've sworn off vodka so many times.

Relapse is a bitch.

Since I'm up. I figured, I might as well document how I got to this auspicious morning.

Yesterday his Highness Tui Atua Tupua Tamasese Tupuola Efi, Head of State of Samoa graced our campus, yet again, with his presence. I saw him speak and was again, greatly moved by the man. He spoke of his job being to nurture the soul of the Samoan nation. He spoke of his work as a preservation of the essences of being Samoan, the core values (of respect, of reciprocity, of harmony within and amongst ourselves and with our environment and the cosmos... ioe, deep ah). He spoke of maintaining those essences and finding balance and context within the modern world. I had to keep reminding myself that this is not a hippie or a struggling artist or a clairvoyant talking to me about nurturing the soul and finding a balance within the cosmos, this is the Head of my fricken state. And none of it seemed outlandish or disingenuous. He really was able to connect with you on a very real level. It was like having one of those "the rockstar picked me in the crowd of a million" moments. Except, it was 2pm on a balmy Honolulu afternoon, with an old guy in a room of 20 people where half of them were security. And there was food after. Surreal, yes.

So! Back to the vodka. After the "talk" with his Highness (well he talked and we drooled and reflected) some friends decided to convene and debrief where all important conversations of this day and age take place. At the bar. For a good several hours we discussed, recounted and mostly awed at the greatness of the man and the pride and empowerment he instilled in us, as Samoans. Yes, a great many rounds were toasted to him last night. And by the end of the night. There we sat. A Samoan from Carson, CA, a Samoan from Portland, Oregon, a Samoan from Vaitogi, American Samoa and myself, OG from Savaii having these insanely deep conversations about what it was to be Samoan. A blood quotient? A spirit? A speaker of the language? A holder of the core Samoan values? Some agreements were reached, some will forever remain unresolved, but the important thing was, we had vodka, I mean of course, that we had that dialogue. A sharing of selves, an acknowledgment of differences but definitely a feeling of one-ness. Which was most likely vodka induced, but you know what I mean.

It's interesting timing for me too, I've been here for two years and it's drawing to a close. I have my masters, my flights home are booked and it's an opportune time for me to reflect on my experience here. My "education" here has not been one that can really be quantified using the normal criteria used to assess "learning". In fact, I found that out after my first semester. I did 15 credits spent way more time at the bar than the library and got straight A's which sure I was happy about, but it was almost unsettling. And I hope nobody thinks I'm being fiapotz, but it too far less effort than I am used to expending and it was because I knew it wasn't supposed to be that easy. Or something. Like, okay then why am I here? To drink and have fun. Well that's all I did when I was working back home, that's why I left!

I stopped there, presumably the hangover caught up with me and I knocked out. I forgot exactly what I was going to say beyond that point but I think the gist of it was that my learning experience though initially difficult to quantify at first, came to me in unexpected forums from unexpected sources. Not to condone drinking in bars in place of going to class, though I'm by no means against that either. Rather that learning how to get A's hardly quantifies as an "education" and if you ever thought that, if you take your head out of your arse long enough to actually embrace knowledge in all its forms, you might actually learn something.

Tracy Chapman lyric

2008-08-20T13:58:00.001-10:00

You've got a fast car. But is it fast enough so we can fly away.

Saviour, my ass.

2008-08-15T13:55:00.006-10:00

So my thesis defense went well. I passed. :) It kind of went like this.

I presented. My committee drilled me. Then passed me. And I jumped for joy. "Yay, I'm a Master. Hurrah. Hurrah. Woopy Do Dee Da." This lasted all of about five minutes when my committee said "Well, hold on a minute. Not quite. First do these revisions" *rolls out list the size of the goddamn mother fucking Nile.*

Excuse the profanity, but it's the only way to describe how short lived my blissful "Congrats you've passed your Masters defense" moment was.

They build this defense up to be the culmination of two years of your bloody hard work. Which, in case you didn't read my previous post, was kinda rough. And then they pass you only to bombard you with more work. It's like after winning a boxing match, the ref takes a cheap shot below the belt, and demands that you run a hundred laps before you can take your winnings home.

However. Underneath all the bitchy complaining, I am very thankful for you ladies who checked in to wish good luck. It really did help preserve my sanity long enough to get me to the defense and through it. THANK YOU!

No doubt, some revisions were expected. But still, THEY SUCK! Yes, I'm still pleasantly chirpy, as you can tell. And here I am procrastinating to cope.

Ah yes, lovely lovely world.

So anyways... procrastination topic of the day: "saviour complex"

Now I'm a helper. I like to do things. For friends. For family. It's just my nature and the product of being an eldest child, and having a mother who wouldn't accept second best in anything. (Ah yes, pass the buck Fotu. lol)

And of course, it's in good faith, and usually well received. And let's just be clear that I'm not out to save anybody's soul. If your sour ass wants to go to Hell, well damn, see you there!

Unless I'm related to you. LOL. I kid. (Not really)

I mean - if I see someone I love freefalling into the depths of hell. I will admittedly, task myself with catching them. Because dammit, that's what family do, right?

So yes, someone called me out and told me I have a saviour complex. I would attribute this person's ignorance to the name their parents gave them if I could remember who they were, but for the life of me, I can't. So here I am dispelling the rumours.

A saviour complex: The saviour complex is that which makes a person believe they can save another regardless of whether or not they need saving.

So it's someone who constantly saves the day... or my favourite description; a "control freak." So harsh. I much prefer to think I'm just nice and would rather receive thanks rather than bullshit accusations. But that would probably be a red flag in some psych evaluation. So let's pretend I'm concerned. That and because I don't have better things to do, like, complete revisions on my never-ending thesis, I decided to hazard a quest into why I should give up my quest to save the world.

Since I'm currently incapable of any perplexing thought beyond being sure I'm right and ignorant name-caller was wrong, I'll turn to my favourite resource in dealing with matters of introspection - alcohol - did I just that? I meant, the Bible for some insights. Or rather, I'll steal someone elses.

Point one: a savior complex is actually a denial of the power of God to save.

Point two: Therefore, it shows your unbelief, not your great faith, in God's power.

Point three: it is indicative of a need you have to control. You think that by staying in a close relationship with a narcissist that you can somehow be there for that moment where the narcissist is suddenly open to 'salvation'. Only you have the ability to see that crystalline moment of recognition and exploit it to the salvation of the narcissist. A savior complex reveals you think too highly of yourself.

Can you see that thinking you must be there for the narcissist to be saved is not a proof or proclamation of your great faith in God? It is the very opposite! It is proof of how much confidence you have in yourself, not the confidence you have in your God.

A savior complex is a denial of the power of God's own Spirit to work out the mysterious power of salvation in a life without your power accompanying it.

God knows we have no power to save another human being. He doesn't ask us to save. He asks us to present truth. He then tells us that if that truth is rejected we are to move on. "Do not cast your pearls before swine" was Christ's instruction. He told the disciples to carry the truth to the various towns. If the truth was rejected they were to stamp the very dust of that town off of their shoes and leave. Endless importunities were not prescribed. The stamping of the dust off the shoes was a symbol. A symbol of the discharge of their responsibility toward those people. They had presented the truth. The truth was rejected. Therefore, the responsibility toward that truth was now resting on the people, not the bearer of truth. The disciples would be wasting their energy and efforts by staying and pleading with those who rejected truth. Christ would have them move on to more promising fields of labor and not waste their limited time, energy or resources on an endless quest to convince the un-convinceable. Learn from the Word of God that a belief in your powerful presence as an agent of change for the narcissist is not a virtue and is working in opposition to how God actually works.

Side note: Christ didn't declare those towns which rejected the Gospel as damned. He simply told the disciples to move on knowing they were relieved before God of their responsibility. It doesn't mean God was done working with those people. It meant that He would bring in different agencies and circumstances to hopefully open up closed hearts to His truth. Just because you've discharged your duty doesn't mean there is no hope left. It only means you are not going to be the direct instrument of God's hand. Perhaps an indirect one. Maybe God knows you would take the glory if you were there for the moment of someone's conversion. So, He has you plant the seed and move on in order to preserve the integrity of your soul. Think about that.

Interesting insight right?

Tuff pill to swallow.

I think I'll wash it down with some vodka.

Watermelon anyone?

2008-08-10T09:03:00.005-10:00

It's the day before my defense. Watermelon for breakfast today. I needed something fresh today. That, and I've already ingested all the of caffeine within 5 miles of Honolulu.

Um, jitters anyone?

Suffice to say, it's been a testing week.

Okay I lie, to say this week has been "testing" is like a malnourished Englishman named Charles, upon waking up damn near frostbitten on a Winter morning, saying something like "tis rather nippy, isnt it lovey?"

"Uhhhh. YES Charles. Check you dick isn't frozen because it's FUCKING COLD."

Of course, an inevitable consequence is that I have been swaying between being a tearful wreck and then hyper extroverted with a false sense of confidence (more than usual). Yes, my bipolar tendencies have been on overdrive this week thrashing me about with it's two faced ugliness. Scary, I know. Tip 1 - Wear dark glasses. Tip 2 - Pills help (just kidding).

On top of this being the most ridiculously emo week of my life, mary (that bitch!) wants to cry ANNNNND I have an eye allergy. Funny story about that actually. Bloody riot. The doctor diagnosed it as conjunctivitis and prescribed antibiotic eye drops which felt like they were burning a hole in my face every time I put them in. I run back to the doc after smoke starts coming out of my ears and a different doc says its not conjunctivitis it's actually an allergy. Yes, you can see me laughing can't you. The allergen eye drops have done nothing more than allow the color of my eyes turn from a milky pink to a deeper red, complete with visible veins.

Great. I'll look really credible tomorrow presenting with bloodshot eyes like I just smoked crack before walking in. Which isn't out of the question at this point. HA!

Lord kill me now before I can no longer resist the urge to scream obscenities at the old people walking past on their way to church!

"Take your ugly ass home! You need a plastic surgeon, not God!"

Lorrrrrrrd have mercy!

OH! And one more thing. This watermelon sucks!

Wish me luck!

inane

2008-08-06T09:02:00.001-10:00

Slothful

2008-07-22T14:44:00.007-10:00

I don't feel like working this afternoon and because I believe in democracy, I'm not going to. Instead I am posted up on my bed, guiltlessly surfing the internet and wondering if I'll ever grow up enough to not be at the mercy of my whims.

Ah, some day.

Instead let me share some more of my incessant collection of depressing poetry while I ponder my fate.

This one's profoundly entitled,

"Dark"

Enveloped in the darkness of night
Nothing but the sound of the rotating fan and intermittent traffic
To permeate the dinning in my head
The intense beating of my heart
It hurts
As though it could jump right out of my chest and pulse before me
Bloody and bulging

Enveloped in the darkness of night
The rickety fan creating a chill in the room
I hear myself breathe
Slow and measured
Sucking in gulps of air
As if to remind myself, that I'm not dead.
I'm just...
Alone,
Enveloped in the darkness of night.

July 11, 2008

Cheery, huh?

So I can barely walk.

2008-07-21T14:25:00.007-10:00

In an incredibly wise move during a Sunday afternoon game of touch, I completely misread the distance between myself and a brick wall and yep, you guessed it, ran smack into, almost dislodging my knees in the process. There was blood. Bruised bones. And this morning, an old lady overtook me on the sidewalk as I waddled along like a retarded constipated cripple. The usual 5 minute stroll to my office taking me no less than twenty minutes.

Yes, they don't call me Serevi for nothing.

Aside from over estimating my athletic abilities, this weekend has been productive. My ruse of thesis is finally materialising into a document I wouldn't cringe to put my name on. Thank you Jesus. It was relatively painless once I got over that bout of lazy-shitedness I had. Really, I should credit the advice of a great friend who wrote to me in response to my insistence that I was meditating and praying to the Gods of Good Writing to grant me an epiphany:

"no wonder your thesis is dragging ass, honey you are summoning the wrong God. The God of Good Writing is in bed with the Good of Sleepless Nights, The Coffee-God and The God of No-Life....and in my case, they are also with: "Oh my God" (the 6ft, blonde). Its an orgy!

now you listen here, dalai lama, meditation won't get you anywhere. get off your ass and drag it over to the compuda and write your damn thesis. get it over and done with."

After those pearls of wisdom and a morning spent crying my eyes out watching Mel Gibson and his band of men in skirts save Scotland in Braveheart I figured, if William Wallace can endure the loss of his love, betrayal, wars, prison and still muster enough vocal strength on a torture table to scream "Freeeeedom" like he does, then I can write a few dozen pages. I defend to my thesis committee in about three weeks and it feels much like awaiting my turn at being placed on a sacrificial altar, so yea, feeling rather good about that. I'm tempted to treat the whole thing like a fa'alavelave and cater the event, and hope that if the food is good, everything else doesn't matter but then my nobody on my committee is Samoan so that blows that plan out of the water.

Well, let's hope my presentation skills and my writing are better than my hand eye coordination huh?!

Maybe I'll take a cake just in case.

Coz we all need one, sometimes.

2008-07-18T14:37:00.000-10:00

blah

2008-07-15T14:14:00.000-10:00

shift your focus woman
from being perceived
and how you perceive
and just perceive
absorb
inhale
allow
the glorious richness
to infiltrate your senses
notice
appreciate
the curves
the pungent
the stark
the warmth
the big picture
shift your focus
outwards

Post 300

2008-07-13T06:28:00.001-10:00

Thank God for Small Victories

Finishing off the last of ten hours and days worth of interview and focus group transcripts and chunks of the analysis.
Receiving a copy of your published book chapter in the mail.
Running eleven laps after barely making 8 the day before.
Beautiful weather.

Pray to God for help in Small Challenges

Quality writing in the remaining 50 pages of your thesis and maintain your sanity.
Doing above point in prescribed deadline of two weeks and maintain your sanity.
Notice the beautiful weather.
Maintain your sanity.

Panic Haiku

2008-07-12T15:06:00.001-10:00

Sweaty.

Stressed out.

Deadlines closing in.

Pissy at nothing and everything.

Snappy. Retorts. Sleepless. Bored. Angry. Stressssed.

False sense of confidence. Vapourised.

LOTS of work undone.

D a m n i t.

Help!

Inspiring.

2008-07-08T15:03:00.001-10:00

"We're gonna make it."

Look into my oyes...

2008-07-07T16:53:00.000-10:00

Now send me money! lol

Mindless chatter

2008-07-06T12:47:00.006-10:00

It's the first Sunday of July. The word that comes to mind is - Already?! Been on the blog a fair bit lately, which of course, only means I have lots of "real" work piling while I prioritize talk about far more important things like mediocre attempts at poetry, my alcohol tolerance, and feeling fat. On the up side of life my fiber levels are stupendously high now so NOW I only have to quit drinking and then my tummy aches will disappear completely!

So lately my alcohol tolerance has kind of gone to the dogs. It's to my shameful dismay when I find myself feeling woozy after the second glass, as of recent. This is quite unsettling given the self deduced fact that only my entire identity evolves around my drinking. I'm usually more of a second bottle of Jack kind of gal. Or second half of the night. Never second drink. Even when I first started drinking as a teen, eagerly devouring cheap vodka with Fanta as my ticket to acceptance in high school cliques, even then, I was never a second drink kind of gal. No, Catholic girls and part Chinese girls who we good students were second drink kind of gals. And I was hardly either.

Perhaps I can be re-trained or something, but for the moment, it's strangely relieving to not want to drink as much. Or at all for that matter. As though the possibility of charting through life in complete sobriety might not be so dull, after all. Yes, imagine that. Is this what growing up feels like? Or maybe it's God's way of regulating my income. Heh.

Ah, the circle of life is funny isn't it. One day you're a drunkard, the next, you're a cheap drunkard. Unless I become a crackhead or something instead if the sobriety thing doesn't work out. I'll keep you posted.

Memoir of a Tongan Lady

2008-07-03T10:01:00.003-10:00

The soft wrinkles on her face creased gently as she spoke, personifying her wisdom. Her eyes glinted and she paused intermittently to stop herself from bursting into laughter as she told the story of her younger days. Her voice was deep and strong with a firm British Tongan accent about it.

Sister Pele was a nun, but I never called her sister. And she was a full nun with the uniform and everything, but oh the conversations we had... she was so funny. One evening, we were in the dining hall, I think the dining hall at USP is still the same today as it was back then in 1991, so we were eating when one boy walked in. He was quite handsome. We both looked shyly over as we ate our food, pretending not to notice him. I said to her "Pele, he's handsome. You should fix him." Pele turned to me and said "I know, he is. You should fix him for me." We both laughed and laughed to ourselves.

Ah, Pele. I always liked her because even though she's a nun. She's not a hypocrite, you know, she never tried to be holy all the time. She acknowledged her human side

I said to her, "that's it you should take off your costume, renounce your sisterhood and get married!"And we both laughed. And that's how it would be. Me and this nun in full gear, walking around, laughing to ourselves.

Oh those were good old days.