Lists of Things

Things I’m lacking:
  1. Patience. I was born with this gene missing. Once I’ve decided I want something, I want it now. It’s the most millennial thing about me is my desire for instant gratification. I drive myself crazy because I hate to wait for the future to happen the way I planned it my mind.
  2. Sleep. I think I’m broken. I’ve been operating on 5 hours sleep for so long I forgot how to sleep longer. Too much on the brain right now. I haven’t had a deep sleep in ages. As I like to say, I’ll sleep when I die. Or when I finally find a comfortable spot to rest my worried mind.  Savaii is where I sleep most soundly, I need to go back there.

Things I have lots of:
  1. Clarity. I am more certain and clear about myself and things I want today than I have been a long time. It’s almost scary how much clarity I have, except I’m so sure it’s right that I’m not afraid. (Too shua kele fo'i, se isi i foa.)
  2. Cravings. All the time I want things I can’t have like cake, carbs, abs, and time machines. 

Things I need more of:
  1. Trust. Sure as I am about what I want. I am sometimes doubtful I will get it, and therefore immediately start to sabotage and self protect in preparation for the eventual disappointment. This is an extremely basic, not woke, not grown woman trait but at least I am acknowledging this here. I trust myself to get through anything more than I trust anyone else. I don’t want it to be this way, but it’ll do until someone abseils my trust barriers. Ugh, this vulnerability is making me want to vomit. Have some decency and cover yourself, woman!
  2. Cake & tequila. Obvs. Because, those are things I can always trust will make me happy.  Fuck clean eating, some days, I need all the poison.