Finding my way back

I watched one of those motivational videos today and the lady had basically survived a shit storm of a life and came out on top, you know how the story goes. A thing she said that resonated with me was this notion of finding your way back to yourself. She said, “nobody makes a big decision to live a bad life. It’s in the small decisions that we lose our way." So true!  It’s in ignoring your discomfort when you know something didn’t feel right, or in refusing to see the signs the first, or even twenty first time you see it. It’s in the small decision to erode your integrity just a little bit as you compromise yourself a little at a time, that suddenly becomes the big decision to live something other than the life you deserve, and are capable of living. As Oprah would say, are you living your your best life?

I’ve been mulling over some of the small decisions I’ve made that have lead to me to where I’m at in all facets of my life and I can find so many.

Professionally, I have been on a roller coaster ride and I think I am most surprised at how blind sided I felt when it went suddenly and intensely awry. I’ve realized that I made small decisions where I put the job before me, to the point where I really forgot who I was.

I recall one morning when we hosted a UB40 concert 5 years ago and I was coordinating the arrival arrangements (and everything else) two things happened that illustrate my point:
  1. In my rush that morning I was speeding down the hill while I was on my phone and I hit a car. I was lucky it was a small fender bender, nobody was hurt, just a dent in both cars. But I was in such a rush that I barely stopped my car. I pulled over, I apologized to the other driver and threw my business card out my window to the taxi I hit and told him to call my office they’d take care of his car. He did, and the office took care of it. The point is, I could have lost my life, the cab driver could have lost his, and I barely had the wherewithal to even stop my car because I needed to make sure the dance group welcoming UB40 on the tarmac were at the airport on time. 
  2. On that same day, I arrived at the office like a tornado, sweeping through it, barking orders and raising general hell. I was in my work uniform, it was barely ironed. I was looking a hot, tired mess because I’d slept 3 hours a night for weeks. Everyone was dressed to the nines to meet UB40. I didn’t even notice until someone said something about why I wasn’t dressed up. I think I rolled my eyes and cussed. And I remember thinking, “It is the absolute last thing on my mind. I barely remembered to brush my teeth before I left!” Then I said out loud, “Did you call the Police escort? Is the catering for the bus sorted?....” You see my point? I put the catering on the bus to welcome UB40 ahead of brushing my hair that day. And basically almost every day between 2010 and 2016.

All this culminated in my having a completely false sense of security in my professional chops that when it all came crashing down, I was indignant with the rage of someone with a disgusting sense of entitlement and a lack of humility. Someone who became the job, and forgot who she was.

At the end of the day, it was the rude awakening I needed to do some tough introspection about why something that shouldn’t have been so difficult, cut me to the core the way it did. It was the necessary shake up I needed to force me to reassess my professional goals and my professionalism in general. And I’m not sure I would have listened any other way, even if Tony Robbins himself had told me. I needed to learn the lesson the hard way because, sometimes, that’s the only way stubborn not so smart people learn. All these realizations have been the arduous path of finding my way back to myself. I’m like, bitch you know this shit. Quit tripping. The crazy thing is I do know this. And I wouldn't have expected that I'd just let it happen, but one small decision at a time, I did.

Lots has been happening that I would never have expected to happen. It just goes to show, don’t ever judge anyone. It could happen to you. And if you think it won’t, just you wait. The universe hasn’t forgotten you. Believe that. And when it happens to you. Fight it if you must, and then just grow through it. Evolve. Scream and cry if you must but please push the baby out and go to the next level. The scars are worth it. Evolve.

So at the edge of the old and new paths, I can finally say, I’m grateful to be through it, and can finally genuinely see the faint glistening of silver linings. A part of me doubted I’d be here, but the truth is, the opportunities ahead are actually far brighter than the ones I walked away from, and I would not have sought them had I not taken the painful walk away, or if I had not faced the fact that I was completely and wholly a part of the problem.

Cliché statements all apply here. In short, shit happens for a reason.

What I can say is that moving forward I am far more conscious of my small decisions, and not just the big ones. And, I believe as I continue to find my way back to myself, I’m resolute in staying my ass in the vicinity, ya know? After all, who am I to disagree with Oprah, I need to live my best life.