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Showing posts from October, 2017

Lists of Things

Things I’m lacking:
Patience. I was born with this gene missing. Once I’ve decided I want something, I want it now. It’s the most millennial thing about me is my desire for instant gratification. I drive myself crazy because I hate to wait for the future to happen the way I planned it my mind.Sleep. I think I’m broken. I’ve been operating on 5 hours sleep for so long I forgot how to sleep longer. Too much on the brain right now. I haven’t had a deep sleep in ages. As I like to say, I’ll sleep when I die. Or when I finally find a comfortable spot to rest my worried mind.  Savaii is where I sleep most soundly, I need to go back there.

Things I have lots of:
Clarity. I am more certain and clear about myself and things I want today than I have been a long time. It’s almost scary how much clarity I have, except I’m so sure it’s right that I’m not afraid. (Too shua kele fo'i, se isi i foa.)Cravings. All the time I want things I can’t have like cake, carbs, abs, and time machines. 

Things…

Mood

Have you ever had one of those days where you just want to check out of your own life, just for a day or a couple of hours. Just for a breather? Where you’re just not trying to face all you need to face. Where for a moment, you’re just on holiday somewhere where they speak a language you don’t understand and you have nil cares beyond adjusting your cabana to block out the scorching sun from melting your crushed ice tequila cocktail.

Have you ever had one of those days where all you want is to be wrapped up in the confines of some mystical faraway hug that just never lets go? When you just need that special salve that is going to melt your worries into a pool on the warm floor from which it then steams and then evaporates?

Have you ever had one of those days where you’re just being strong out of habit, but the sinews under your skin are stretched thin and raw? You just want to release and fall into the safety net of being caught, and safe in a plush blanket and a strong pair of arms? …

This week in pics

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Sunsets steal me, every time.
Went to the damn playground what felt like 158 times this week.
For the first time in a long time, I bought a new pair of ridiculously uncomfortable shoes completely on a whim. I wore them, and they hurt like hell. Old age, hey! Lol 
I've had to be creative about what to eat trying to stay on this damn no carb, no sugar train I'm currently on. This week I've been working away from home so by "creative" I mean, I have had to search harder on restaurant menus, and I can't order dessert first. This meal of egg soup & char siu was quite satisfying. Not gon' lie tho, I was dying for some kalo, and maybe some luau pipi. And a slice of cake to follow.  Lol 
I almost cried when Lili got her book order forms this week as I have so many memories of ordering books as a kid. I was way more excited about it then she was as I explained that I used to order books too and she can choose what she wants! "Hurry, choose!" She cho…

Choices

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This from Lang Leav got me in the feels tonight: I’ve always believed in my own power to build my own destiny, I’ve no doubt had moments where I’ve forgotten this, but ultimately it’s central to my life philosophy, that by and large, I am my thoughts and I create my reality, but lately, I’ve come to the realization that I alone can’t build and sustain the destiny of my dreams. Sure I can lead and steer, but everyone in the boat needs to row and have at least a perceived fair sharing of the load. In the short term rowing alone can seem fulfilling, it makes me glad to have courage in my convictions, and proud to be seizing control of my destiny, but in the long run, if you start to feel like you are the only one rowing the boat, the resentment is real when you realize your arms are fucked and you’re miles out at sea.

I’ve always believed in the power of choices, I still do, but lately, I’ve realized that there are just some things you don’t have power over.

Like, you can’t make people…

Remixing bedtime stories

My love of words stems from a childhood love of reading that was instilled by my mother and  primary school teachers. I’m that kid that skipped class at 7 years old to hide in the library and read books all day. It’s the foundation for my love of writing and poetry, my self expression, and what I consider to be my best trait (ok aside from my great ass, lol) which is my ability to convey ideas, and the trait I find most impressive in other people, which is people who are articulate.

It’s also the reason I’m a low key grammar nazi, and why most of my favorite authors are children’s authors, and poets. SO… instilling a love of reading in my kids is paramount to me. And it makes me obsess over how much screen time they get and it makes me continually force paperback books down their young throats.

So I’ll read to them at bedtime, and make my older one read to me before and after school. Which I can tell they absolutely enjoy because I force them to. Lol So lately, a bedtime ritual we’v…

Finding my way back

I watched one of those motivational videos today and the lady had basically survived a shit storm of a life and came out on top, you know how the story goes. A thing she said that resonated with me was this notion of finding your way back to yourself. She said, “nobody makes a big decision to live a bad life. It’s in the small decisions that we lose our way." So true!  It’s in ignoring your discomfort when you know something didn’t feel right, or in refusing to see the signs the first, or even twenty first time you see it. It’s in the small decision to erode your integrity just a little bit as you compromise yourself a little at a time, that suddenly becomes the big decision to live something other than the life you deserve, and are capable of living. As Oprah would say, are you living your your best life?

I’ve been mulling over some of the small decisions I’ve made that have lead to me to where I’m at in all facets of my life and I can find so many.

Professionally, I have been…

Nostalgia & Vanity

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I discovered an old selfie album with, oh only 450 pics of myself. Lol These are all pre-American Samoa era and I haven't looked through them in years.  Apparently, I fancied myself a photographer taking and curating pics of random shit on my shitty cheap brand digital cameras over the years.  It made me reflect at where I was in the different pics, and I can recall how I felt at that time in my life in certain pics. Party pics, studying pics, bored dorm room selfies, hungover selfies. I want to post the memory I have from some of these, just because I feel like it. Also, I miss how great my skin looked a decade ago!  

Ignoring the books and gawking at the surf(ers) at Kapiolani Park with Kelvin on a Tuesday morning. 
Dorm room vanity
So excited to be drinking Vailima in Hawaii, on this night. Lol
This was at a gay bar in Waikiki, with my gay guy friends because they're fun AF and because I was sick of stupid, useless straight men at that point. On that night I was basically …

Restless

Sleep evades, yet again, so here I am to let off some steam in the constant and fruitless search for answers and shut eye.

Big kid is settling into school just fine, although her homework routine is no joke. There’s a 3 page fine print Homework Contract between the teacher, parent and student. We are clearly no longer in American Samoa where I constantly complained about the quality of Homework my kid was bringing home. I asked for better schools, so wish granted! Now enjoy it, Fotu.

My younger one needs to go to preschool. If her tantrums at not being able to go with big sis to school are anything to go by, I need to bite the (fucking $1000 monthly) bullet and put her in pre-school because that’s what you’re supposed to spend your money on, Fotu!

I have been in town all week at meetings and have done the commute home from town during post work rush hour, and let me just say, I will never complain about traffic between Nuuuli and Iliili ever again. Or the cost of fuel in American Sa…

Today

Things I’ve done today:
1. Joined a weight loss challenge.
2. I ate terribly (Chinese food) and wonderfully (cake).
3. Signed up for Youtube Red. I’m (and the kids) are sick of ads.

Things I didn’t do today:
1. Go to the gym. Not yet anyway, hoping the kids sleep early.
2. Enjoy retail therapy buying new clothes for the kids as much as I had hoped or usually do.
3. Get over tequila hangover. Still stuck in it.

Things I felt like doing today:
1. Teleporting to another time/ place/ alternate reality.
2. Interrupting naps. Coz if I’m not sleeping, neither should you.
3. Having tequila.

Today in 3 words:
1. Hard.
2. A.
3. F.

Weekends in #MomLife Pics

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#Hungover
Miss 2 - "Hi Mommy!"

Bumper boat fun
First shave ice in Hawaii!
Miss 2 wanted her feet in the water for this pic. Lol
Pool Fun 
Sunday morning breakfast

Weekends in #MomLife

It’s Sunday morning, everyone is groggy. Yesterday was a full on day with the kids. We went to a Pumpkin Festival. Halloween is my kids favorite holiday so they were beyond excited. When I asked Miss 2 what she wanted to see at the festival, her eyes lit up and she said, “I want to see a creepy jack o lantern!” The sun was ruthless yesterday, and we spent much of the day at the Pumpkin Fest chasing shade. Sadly, there were no creepy jack o lanterns, only creepy clowns selling balloon animals. There were also carnival rides, food booths, and hay rides through the pumpkin farm. The kids had fun, and nobody got a heat stroke luckily.

Took the kids for a dip in the neighborhood pool late in the afternoon. This town association this is pretty neat. It gives us to 7 rec centers around the area with pools, tennis courts, playgrounds. I am listing them so the girls and I can tour them and find the best ones.

Miss 6 and I bought all her school supplies in the weekend. This list was so long and …

Tequila

You are Patron.
Smooth on my lips.
Crisp on my tongue.
Blissfully burning me on the inside.
You hit me like a jolt of light. Expelling ghosts and inciting warmth.
Alight with delight in the dark of night. You’re both the burn, and the salve.
For these earthly aches and pains.
Your kiss is as consuming as it is fleeting.
Because I know, as quick as you came, you'll go. You’ll love me tonight,  Then you’ll ruin me tomorrow.
But I'll seize you anyway. Even just for that moment. Your brief, gentle love is worth the ruin.  So let me drink you, Love me, soothe me.
The next day,  I am ruined. Head spinning. Body wrecked. Heart aching. Still drunk on you. Hating myself. For loving you.  For seeking the burn and craving the salve. I say I'll never drink again. But I don't mean it. If it means you'll love me.  Ruin me, again. Patron.

500th Post! Closure, career & kids.

The therapist turned out to be not as terrible as I envisioned. Except for the fact that he told us in the first half hour that we are already at irreconcilable differences. I immediately felt ripped off. Aren’t you supposed to give me the recipe for us to have a fighting chance? I mean, really? That’s it. I left, losing faith in humanity and more resigned in my view that therapists are losers, or is that therapy is for losers? The jury is still out, still no closure as our future teeters on the edge.

In other news, I got offered a job. The money was not bad but because I am worth extra, I told them (nicely) that I want more money, so I now await whether they will call my bluff. What excites me most about it, is the opportunities to climb, I can see the path so clearly and I can already visualize myself blazing through it. That’s of course, if I haven’t ruined my chances by demanding the world, upfront. As I tend to do, but fuck it, I’m worth it.

The big kid is almost set to start sc…

Ghost

You disappeared.
Like I felt you would.
Quickly.
Completely.
Easily.
You took the sun with you.
Knocked the wind from me.
And left me.
Alone.
Broken.
When I needed you most.

Perhaps you realized,
whatever you realized.
That I am too much.
That I am not enough.
For you to find the gumption.
To stay.
I am not surprised you left.
I’m used to being too difficult.
A rare occasion where I hate being right.
I guess I wanted you to prove me wrong.

I know you felt there was no choice.
But you made one anyway.
And it wasn’t me.
I know I will survive.
What choice do I have?
Ghosts don’t love you back.

I go through my day.
But I am haunted.
I am reeling.
I am wrapped in sadness.
Undone.
By ghosts.
And the emptiness you left behind.

Life's cruel coincidences

I've realized lately that life is full of cruel coincidences, like
That my life is coming together and falling apart simultaneously.
That I am on the verge of a new career, but I haven’t unpacked my suitcase since I arrived a month ago.

That I asked for what I want, and got exactly what I asked for, and now I am eating my words.

That this move has been so easy, and the most difficult thing at the same time.

That my body and hair are in great shape, but my insides are in disrepair.

That I am screaming on the inside (and at night sometimes) but I am the picture of togetherness every day.

That a life can take decades to build, but just an instant to irreversibly undo.

That, that which I crave, is probably just as bad for me as that which I have. Love is greater than Freedom. I know this to be true, and crave it anyway.

That, that which I have ought to be enough, is enough, and yet, its not.

That a conversation with the person I most look up to, turned out to disappoint me so discourag…

Unnecessary, but totes necessary.

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I'm putting these pics here for 2 reasons:
1) Despite the craziness, the kids are happy and I am still alive. (To be safe, check again next week).
2) My hair is NOT nasty! (6 year old honesty has me low key bitter) Lol




My level of petty is posting a selfie in defiance of a comment from a 6 year old who was just asking an honest question, and also doesn't really care.

No chill

My kids have finally joined me after almost a month apart.  Having them back has been much needed, absolutely wonderful and completely hair raising, all at once. I have gotten all the long awaited hugs and kisses I've been missing.  This has also meant the house is noisy and busy, I am cooking again, and there is an excess of opinions about everything. It’s only been 48 hours and these kids have my chill evaporating like a popsicle in the Sahara desert. A few random tidbits for your reading displeasure.

While I was braiding her hair, Lili and I had a chat about being healthy so she can have healthy hair instead of nasty hair and she said, “But mommy, why is your hair nasty?” My very mature response was of course to yank her hair and clap back defensively. “It’s 8 in the morning, I haven’t combed it coz I’m doing your hair. And this is tuiga hair, you nasty little brat, now shut up before I sele po’o your ulu.” See - #NoChill

Miss 6 - Mommy, can we go back to American Samoa?
Me…