Showing posts from September, 2017

What of it?

What of Sparks? What happens to them? Do they flicker and die? Or do they resurrect?
What of chemistry? Is it just inevitable? Will it unavoidably explode simply by virtue of its ingredients? Or it is just an experiment?
What of morals? Or the lack thereof, rather The willful ignorance of it that spurs guilt Or is it just useless human judgment?
What of love? Is it even real? Is it simple or is it complicated? Or is it just a sweet, old-fashioned notion? (Tina girl, Amirite?)
What of questions? Where the answers evade discovery And the heart sinks deeper Deeper, and further away.


Just finished some work that has been doing my head in the last few days. It was like pulling teeth to start, progress and finish, and I’m pissed at myself because I am usually far more productive and efficient. I am feeling disgustingly rusty, and to make matters worse, I am giving way fewer fucks these days which means the usual things that motivate me (the fear of failure, the weight of the world, savior complex) are not working their usual magic. Dramatic much? Yes, and IDGAF #Extra

ANYWAYS. It’s done. Thank fuck.

Problem now is: it’s 12.30am and my brain is wide awake. Mostly in frustration that that took me so long.

Note to self: A rusty bitch is a basic bitch. Can you just stop wasting time agonizing and just go forth and slay. Please? Ok, good talk, now go and make me proud you badass!

So what does one do at 12.30am besides give myself overdue peptalks?

Well, not sleep obviously. Rusty bitches don't deserve sleep.  I am resisting the urge to complain some more. Excu…

You don't know

I know you know
That something's wrong

I see it in your annoyed glances
In your not so subtle hints
Which I gracefully curve and ignore

I know you know  That I'm somewhere else
But I doubt, that you really know.

Do you know
The emptiness I’ve felt for so long
That I die a little more each time you do that which hurts me That which you don't intend to hurt me, That shouldn't hurt me,  But hurts me anyway
Do you know
That I am disconnected
That I am haphazardly holding on
Clutching at straws, and reaching
Desperate for connection and understanding
At a basic human level

Do you know
That I love you
But I’m not sure that we are truly friends
I’m not even sure that if we weren’t “us”
Would we even be acquaintances?

I know that you know
That I seem distracted
I see it in your sullen eyes
I hear it in your snappy comebacks
As I pretend not to hear you
Silently screaming for you to see me,
To know me enough to save me

And swallowing the hurt in silence
Because fighting is futile And after all the fig…


Dear Life,
Stop perplexing me. 


The truth is a damning thing.

It’s irrevocable. Unchangeable. Concrete.

What’s fluid is our human reaction to it. Or inaction.

We’re fickle beings, as we try to avoid facing our own reflections.

What to do. What to do.

When you know, that its over. That its wrong.

That we’re strangers, both denying each other what we both deserve.

But you just sit there watching it happen around you, to you.

We just keep performing the roles, we auditioned for.

The one’s we’ve been cast into.

On cue. On script.

Despite that you know, it’s all a thinly veiled lie.

A fa├žade poorly disguising the fact that, its just over.

It’s just wrong.

I had a hunch today.

That you’re also tired of dancing to music you secretly hate.

A comment you let slip.

A stray look you gave.

That gave me a hunch, that there’s more you’re not saying.

And you’re tired too.

But too afraid to disturb the balance.

Neither willing.

Neither ready.

Refusing to unleash the inevitable, undoable chaos and pain that will ensue.

Or …

Movement is movement.

The morning has been productive, a welcome change to my recent apathy concerning work. Not that I haven’t been working, I just haven’t had the enthusiasm or passion that I’m used to having about it. One minute I’m drowning in it, the next I’m thirsty for it. That stupid balance is so hard to find. I do feel it, that I am moving towards the right balance, even if it is an inch at a time. I guess, movement is movement. Better to have it than not at all.

We’re in a house finally, in a nice enough neighborhood. Thank God. The house is nicer than I thought we’d end up in after visiting no less than 30 houses in the last 2 weeks and dying a little each time I saw how cramped/ old/ noisy/ far away each house was. I gave my 6 year old a tour of the house and she approved, except when I showed her her room and she said with innocent surprise, “Mom? Why is my room not full of stuff?!” Lol Because I have to buy it, chile, give a bitch a minute will ya? I said, “I have to get your beds” She resp…

NZ Elections

So it’s election day in NZ today, after the trauma I suffered following the US election, I have not been following the NZ election lead up, aside from reading the shade being flung from left to right on NZ Twitter. It’s clear though that the country is undecided about its future and there is an increasing divide in political views of people inching (or leaping) further right or further left. My very in depth analysis is derived primarily from the fact that in my family chat group, it’s apparent that everyone in my family in NZ is voting for a different party. And each person is fairly passionate about their party. Reasons for voting one way or the other have varied from:
“I watched the debates and I don’t like the leader, she seems like all talk and she doesn’t offer any real solutions. National is responsible for the strong economy NZ has, Labour will just screw it up again”

“Typical of rich people to vote National. We should vote Labour! The divide between rich and poor is getting…

Trying my hand at Twitter moments

I'm on here doing this, and worrying about the kids in Auckland because there isn't a ton of work to do here, or a house to furnish, or my entire life to get together over here. No, no real problems to face here, so let's create twitter moment, shall we. Yes, lets.
My housegirl tried it today - a moment — Fotu V. (@FotuV) September 21, 2017


That feeling of a heaviness in your chest.

Like a weight on the inside pulling you down.

Inducing frowns, and sighs and deep breaths.

A restlessness, a thick silence.

An emptiness.

It’s the feeling of missing.

Sacrifices and Cravings

Things I’ve sacrificed recently
Kitchen space – the size of my new kitchen is the size of the island in my old kitchen. Luckily, I’m more of a special occasion chef anyway, so it will suck for whoever is going to be cooking in there. Time with my kids – I was away from them a fair amount in my past life anyway, but once I had them 24-7, I feel like an idiot giving that up again because of my stupid decision to seek a new life on a whim.Peace of mind – In a quest to find it, I’ve lost it. I feel it coming back, and then I lose it again. Things I’m craving right now
More burn in my muscles – Destroy me on the outside, so I can feel less destroyed on the inside.  Like the lyric to a song I heard recently, "we say that love hurts but really, we love the pain." Also, because as my savage 6 year old reminded me, I should work out because I have a fat tummy. A slice of cake and glass of ice cold full cream milk – just because, cake is bae. And by bae, I mean, it's sweet, listens…


Things I could have done without today:
Hateful spew

Things I am grateful for today:
A delicious bowl of ramen
That I did not turn into a Venus flytrap and carnivorously devour anybody whole today

Tomorrow is a new day, lets see how we fare.


We’ve barely had a coherent conversation.

As we sit in silence.

Our eyes betray us.

As they speak volumes.

Of pain and compromise.

Of being questioned, just for being who we are.

Of unintentional, yet unavoidable hurt.

We go through the motions.


“Building this future”

Each wrapped in thoughts.

But neither speaking.

Both knowing.

Both wondering.

Is this stress?

Are we growing through this?

Or have we finally broken each other?

Both of us afraid to utter a word.

Silently protesting, not ready to give up.

Are we opposites that complete each other?

Or are we just, strangers who loved each other?

My truth and words cut you.

Your truth and ways leave me feeling alone and cold.

Neither intentional.

Both just being who we are.

Are we growing through this?

Or are we just sitting in silence.

Getting on with it

I’m sitting in a coffee shop, waiting for an appointment in an hour and a half. I have, unfortunately returned to inferior Oahu after a magnificent weekend in Maui, the actual place of my birth (in my mind). Lol

That sad fact aside, it’s been an ok day. I was absolutely punished at Crossfit this morning. Now, I will never be a gym rat, but that shit felt good. If nothing else, I am enjoying being absolutely conquered by a workout, a gruesome reminder that I’ve been lazily getting by fitbitting and taking evening strolls. It’s been a long minute since Rita Fatialofa used to drive behind us honking the car horn at us as we ran 5 miles for the warm up. The only consolation to today’s workout was that I also had a maple walnut donut a few hours after the gym, not because I earned it, but just because the sky is blue and I wanted a damn donut. It was totes delicious.

I mean, isn't she beautiful?
We will hopefully close up a lease for a house today, and file some important immigration…

Maui, you nose!

I can't stop gushing about the mesmerizing beauty of this place. Leikioa fo'i Oprah ia fia gofo i gei! Fun fact: so apparently Maui people are known for being "punose" (high minded) due to their belief that, "Maui no ka oi!" or "Maui is the best!". I have to say, after being here for an entire 24 hours,  I ain't even mad at that. As someone who is also nose about where I come from, I totally get it. I'd be nose AF if I were from here too.  Isu pea oe, Maui! 

Honolua Bay
Island of Lanai in the distance
Alii Kula Lavendar Farm

Sunset from West Lahaina
Kaheawa Windmills

Sunsets and sunrises

I’ve been up for the last hour, working on the balcony, in complete darkness except for the wind and the light of my Macbook in face and the roar of the ocean all around me. The words and the work are flowing, like fucking finally. I’ve been at a bit of standstill with it for a minute. Who knew I needed a seabreeze in my face and the background noise of the ocean crashing to dislodge the writers block? Too fucking extra. Note to self: Pull yourself together and get on with it, woman.

So I’m waiting for the sun to rise, and I realize I’m on the west side of the island which is ideal for sunsets, but perhaps not so much for the sunrise.

Last night’s sunset was pretty epic. On that #nofilter #luckyweliveHI level. No wonder people use that dumb hashtag. I still think it’s dumb, but how can you not use it when the orange of the sun bathes the entire sky and ocean as it dips into the horizon? Nature is amazing.

I mean FFS, right? #hearteyes
I see a few lights coming on in the distance, I …


I was everything and yet not enough.

I was swept away. No sweeping gesture.

Hating furiously. And not hating even a little bit, not even at all.

You are right. And yet so wrong

I am just wrong. And upset that you dare to defy me and do what is right.
I found myself in you. Now I am lost.

I was everything and yet not enough.

I am an oxymoron.

You are just a moron.

And I want to throw furniture at you from across the oceans.

To knock the sense out of you.

Stop being so stupidly right.

I hate you. Not even a little bit, not even at all.

I was everything and yet not enough.

Maui musings

In a random, beautiful turn of events, we are in beautiful Maui for the weekend.  It sure is blissful here.  It's the perfect place for me to be this weekend. Far away. Quiet. Breezy. And surrounded by ocean. And alcohol.

We've only been here a few hours, and it's given me a sense of calm and chance to reflect (which I do far too often, but as you know, IDGAF)

The grind to settle into Hawaii has been, as expected, stressful, exciting, a whole series of heightened emotions that are exacerbated by the real life threats of having nowhere to live, and having not a very clear idea of what the future holds.

That said, we could be doing worse. We have some good housing options in the works, the immigration paperwork is on track, and the work side of things is, well still there at least.  I am having to adjust my expectations of how much house I can afford in this country compared to what I've become accustomed to.  If you know me, you'll know I don't deal well with no…

I hide you

I hide you in my poetry, amongst my truths and darkest secrets.

You’re hidden in my dreams, in my hopes and alternate realities.

You’re in my laughs, filling my memories with banter and inside jokes

You stealthily invade my thoughts, and stay deep within my soul.

Even now, you hide within my tears, caressing my face as you spill on to my cheeks.

I hide you, in my most inner and safest parts, I keep you.

Because, I can’t let you go.

Today, in a word.



I finally touched down in the 808, and it’s been a mixture of things. Excitement, worry, looking forward to and dreading the challenges, looking forward and looking back at the same time.

So we arrived to my cousins house earlier tonight and were met by a friendly, thin palagi lady who marched in and introduced herself to us as the tenant behind my cousins house. After the usual obligatory niceties of meeting strangers, she asked, “Are you Samoan?” “Yes..” I said slowly. “Great! Can you open a coconut for me?” and proceeded to explain that she received some coconuts from so-and-so, she loves the electrolytes and didn’t know how to open them.

I thought, "oh so because we’re coconuts, we must know how to open coconuts?" And instead I smiled and said, “sure!” (with the full intention of volunteering my husband to open them.)

She ran to her apartment and came back with a green coconut with the husk on and she said, “Not to sound so haole, but are you going to open it with your tee…

Fighting light

When you’re in a deep sleep, comfortable in the blackness, and in the darkness it creeps up on you and unexpectedly becomes the light.

The first bright light that pierces you, catches you unawares, abruptly disturbing you from your peaceful slumber.

What do you?

As it painfully pulls you out of your wretched sleep.

Can you turn it off again? Close your eyes again. Helplessly cling to the familiarity of darkness.

You can try a while, but it’s light. It's impossible to ignore.

Sooner or later, you can’t ignore the way it touches your skin, embracing you from head to toe in an instant.

The way it warms you from the inside out, radiating through each vein and fiber, rising a smile to your lips.

The way it breathes life back into your tired bones, painting the color back into your face.

The way it dances across the room, revealing beauty and misery in all its glory, awakening your senses to drink in life’s box of whiskey coated chocolates.

You can try, but its light, it’s impossible to ignore.