So it’s happening. I’ll leave American Samoa in a few hours. The children, the husband have already left. I’m sitting alone in this big, empty house and I am all of a sudden overwhelmed with a feeling of sadness. Why do I feel heartbroken, all of a sudden? I was not anticipating this. In fact, I have been chipper and smiling for weeks waiting for this day to arrive. Yet I’m caught off guard that this feels more bitter than sweet. A very significant and eventful chapter of my life is drawing to a close, and I am all up in my feels about it.
It’s been almost a decade of my life spent here. I came here, knowing not one person in this island. I was single, optimistic, and full of ambition and gumption, ready to change the world. And I leave with a family of hundreds of people, more skeptical about life, valuing inner peace more than ambition, but still with excess gumption to change the world. And most valuably I leave with pieces, fragments of so many good people who have shared themselves with me.
I fight back tears as I remind myself that I wanted this move. I needed it. I needed to take control of my destiny and forge forward to build something new. Yet I am so broken as I write this, the wall of restraint I built around my feelings has finally worn thin, as the feelings pour about me, soaking me, drowning me.
I am taking deep breaths. Gulping air, hoping the oxygen will restore my sense of inner peace that has been suddenly knocked off balance today. Whispering prayers, Lord, restore me. Console me. Strengthen me. Guide me. Show me.
The futility of my efforts to feel “ok” overcomes me and the floodgates burst.
God, why is this so hard?