As I glance back at the last few weeks, I think the silver lining has been that the time and trauma have inspired me to writing again. Even if it is mostly indulgent, depressing bullshit, I am glad to be taking pen to paper (digitally) on a more consistent basis.
The holiday was as I expected, not much of a holiday, but it was a clean break from my crazy life which only gave me the opportunity to find different things to bitch about like the cold weather, and hating my new haircut to distract me from confronting the real decisions I have to make like, what the hell I’m doing with my life?
I threw myself into keeping my children entertained, resigning that it was at least a worthy thing to be spending all my time, energy and money on. We did activities daily to the point where I decided to give myself a day off one day and my kids looked at me shocked at the prospect of staying home for the day. What do you think this is? Rich kids of Beverly Hills? Spoiled little brats.
I am now returned to the rock, and I don’t feel the strong sense of purpose and certainty that I had scheduled I would have by now. Life’s a bitch like that eh. Instead things seem more uncertain, and uncomfortable than they’ve been in a while. I’ve replaced the discomfort and difficulty I have been facing for the past months with just different discomfort and difficulty.
I suppose the difference is that this discomfort and difficulty is of the unknown, whereas the prior one was the discomfort and difficulty of knowing and being helpless to stop, the prior difficulty and discomfort was one of a compromise of your values and integrity. And if you lose that, what do you have left?
I suppose the silver lining is that discomfort and difficulty in the unknown is ripe with opportunities to succeed and to learn. Plus, let's be happy I'm writing. Depressed as I sound, even when I'm enslaved by my thoughts, I'm most free when I'm writing. The fact is that in any case, there is always a silver lining.
As a friend says, “Where nothing is certain, everything is possible.”