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Showing posts from 2017

Restless

Sleep evades, yet again, so here I am to let off some steam in the constant and fruitless search for answers and shut eye.

Big kid is settling into school just fine, although her homework routine is no joke. There’s a 3 page fine print Homework Contract between the teacher, parent and student. We are clearly no longer in American Samoa where I constantly complained about the quality of Homework my kid was bringing home. I asked for better schools, so wish granted! Now enjoy it, Fotu.

My younger one needs to go to preschool. If her tantrums at not being able to go with big sis to school are anything to go by, I need to bite the (fucking $1000 monthly) bullet and put her in pre-school because that’s what you’re supposed to spend your money on, Fotu!

I have been in town all week at meetings and have done the commute home from town during post work rush hour, and let me just say, I will never complain about traffic between Nuuuli and Iliili ever again. Or the cost of fuel in American Sa…

Today

Things I’ve done today:
1. Joined a weight loss challenge.
2. I ate terribly (Chinese food) and wonderfully (cake).
3. Signed up for Youtube Red. I’m (and the kids) are sick of ads.

Things I didn’t do today:
1. Go to the gym. Not yet anyway, hoping the kids sleep early.
2. Enjoy retail therapy buying new clothes for the kids as much as I had hoped or usually do.
3. Get over tequila hangover. Still stuck in it.

Things I felt like doing today:
1. Teleporting to another time/ place/ alternate reality.
2. Interrupting naps. Coz if I’m not sleeping, neither should you.
3. Having tequila.

Today in 3 words:
1. Hard.
2. A.
3. F.

Weekends in #MomLife Pics

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#Hungover
Miss 2 - "Hi Mommy!"

Bumper boat fun
First shave ice in Hawaii!
Miss 2 wanted her feet in the water for this pic. Lol
Pool Fun 
Sunday morning breakfast

Weekends in #MomLife

It’s Sunday morning, everyone is groggy. Yesterday was a full on day with the kids. We went to a Pumpkin Festival. Halloween is my kids favorite holiday so they were beyond excited. When I asked Miss 2 what she wanted to see at the festival, her eyes lit up and she said, “I want to see a creepy jack o lantern!” The sun was ruthless yesterday, and we spent much of the day at the Pumpkin Fest chasing shade. Sadly, there were no creepy jack o lanterns, only creepy clowns selling balloon animals. There were also carnival rides, food booths, and hay rides through the pumpkin farm. The kids had fun, and nobody got a heat stroke luckily.

Took the kids for a dip in the neighborhood pool late in the afternoon. This town association this is pretty neat. It gives us to 7 rec centers around the area with pools, tennis courts, playgrounds. I am listing them so the girls and I can tour them and find the best ones.

Miss 6 and I bought all her school supplies in the weekend. This list was so long and …

Tequila

You are Patron.
Smooth on my lips.
Crisp on my tongue.
Blissfully burning me on the inside.
You hit me like a jolt of light. Expelling ghosts and inciting warmth.
Alight with delight in the dark of night. You’re both the burn, and the salve.
For these earthly aches and pains.
Your kiss is as consuming as it is fleeting.
Because I know, as quick as you came, you'll go. You’ll love me tonight,  Then you’ll ruin me tomorrow.
But I'll seize you anyway. Even just for that moment. Your brief, gentle love is worth the ruin.  So let me drink you, Love me, soothe me.
The next day,  I am ruined. Head spinning. Body wrecked. Heart aching. Still drunk on you. Hating myself. For loving you.  For seeking the burn and craving the salve. I say I'll never drink again. But I don't mean it. If it means you'll love me.  Ruin me, again. Patron.

500th Post! Closure, career & kids.

The therapist turned out to be not as terrible as I envisioned. Except for the fact that he told us in the first half hour that we are already at irreconcilable differences. I immediately felt ripped off. Aren’t you supposed to give me the recipe for us to have a fighting chance? I mean, really? That’s it. I left, losing faith in humanity and more resigned in my view that therapists are losers, or is that therapy is for losers? The jury is still out, still no closure as our future teeters on the edge.

In other news, I got offered a job. The money was not bad but because I am worth extra, I told them (nicely) that I want more money, so I now await whether they will call my bluff. What excites me most about it, is the opportunities to climb, I can see the path so clearly and I can already visualize myself blazing through it. That’s of course, if I haven’t ruined my chances by demanding the world, upfront. As I tend to do, but fuck it, I’m worth it.

The big kid is almost set to start sc…

Ghost

You disappeared.
Like I felt you would.
Quickly.
Completely.
Easily.
You took the sun with you.
Knocked the wind from me.
And left me.
Alone.
Broken.
When I needed you most.

Perhaps you realized,
whatever you realized.
That I am too much.
That I am not enough.
For you to find the gumption.
To stay.
I am not surprised you left.
I’m used to being too difficult.
A rare occasion where I hate being right.
I guess I wanted you to prove me wrong.

I know you felt there was no choice.
But you made one anyway.
And it wasn’t me.
I know I will survive.
What choice do I have?
Ghosts don’t love you back.

I go through my day.
But I am haunted.
I am reeling.
I am wrapped in sadness.
Undone.
By ghosts.
And the emptiness you left behind.

Life's cruel coincidences

I've realized lately that life is full of cruel coincidences, like
That my life is coming together and falling apart simultaneously.
That I am on the verge of a new career, but I haven’t unpacked my suitcase since I arrived a month ago.

That I asked for what I want, and got exactly what I asked for, and now I am eating my words.

That this move has been so easy, and the most difficult thing at the same time.

That my body and hair are in great shape, but my insides are in disrepair.

That I am screaming on the inside (and at night sometimes) but I am the picture of togetherness every day.

That a life can take decades to build, but just an instant to irreversibly undo.

That, that which I crave, is probably just as bad for me as that which I have. Love is greater than Freedom. I know this to be true, and crave it anyway.

That, that which I have ought to be enough, is enough, and yet, its not.

That a conversation with the person I most look up to, turned out to disappoint me so discourag…

Unnecessary, but totes necessary.

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I'm putting these pics here for 2 reasons:
1) Despite the craziness, the kids are happy and I am still alive. (To be safe, check again next week).
2) My hair is NOT nasty! (6 year old honesty has me low key bitter) Lol




My level of petty is posting a selfie in defiance of a comment from a 6 year old who was just asking an honest question, and also doesn't really care.

No chill

My kids have finally joined me after almost a month apart.  Having them back has been much needed, absolutely wonderful and completely hair raising, all at once. I have gotten all the long awaited hugs and kisses I've been missing.  This has also meant the house is noisy and busy, I am cooking again, and there is an excess of opinions about everything. It’s only been 48 hours and these kids have my chill evaporating like a popsicle in the Sahara desert. A few random tidbits for your reading displeasure.

While I was braiding her hair, Lili and I had a chat about being healthy so she can have healthy hair instead of nasty hair and she said, “But mommy, why is your hair nasty?” My very mature response was of course to yank her hair and clap back defensively. “It’s 8 in the morning, I haven’t combed it coz I’m doing your hair. And this is tuiga hair, you nasty little brat, now shut up before I sele po’o your ulu.” See - #NoChill

Miss 6 - Mommy, can we go back to American Samoa?
Me…

Love/ Hate

Things I hate:
1. Being wrong.
2. Calluses.
3. Under Armor.
4. Autocorrect.
5. Bears, and other smug beasts.

Things I love:
1. Waffles.
2. McD's No.1 with extra Mac sauce.
3. Bank banisters.
4. Being understood.
5. You.

Do not touch me.

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Wife's Wrath

I sit silently.
As you noisily pack your bags.
As you spit words at me.
About my superiority.
And my selfishness.
I say nothing. And listen to your contempt.
As you say, you’re done.
You say you want to leave.
Dropping the D word like venom from your careless mouth.

I am silent.
But my blood is boiling.
I am indignant.
Furious with rage.
Too angry to speak.
In case wrath and flames escape my lips.
And incinerates everything around me.
Including all that I love
Including you.

You want to leave?
Please.
Exit left.
You want to be done.
Please.
Don’t do me any favors.
Be. Done. 
You suddenly decide, you're sorry.
I'm sick of empty words.  Followed up by the same old inaction. Complacency. You cannot console me.
You only fan the flames of my fury.
With your lackluster efforts
And weak resolve.
Please.
GTFOH.
With that mess.

Step up.
Or step out.
Do not waste my time.
If you are done.
I will not beg you to stay.
I will not coddle and bend.
So you can feel enough.
Wh…

Getting to know me survey

As I finally finish stupid work fodder for the night, I again face the question which constantly plagues me which is what is sleep? what is the meaning of life? And the all knowing Internet produced this survey which it promises will solve all my problems. So here it goes.

1. What activity in your life lights you up with joy?
Easy. Spending time with my children.

2. What is something you always love doing, even when you are tired or rushed? Why?
Same as 1. And probably eating cake. :) 
3. If a relationship or job makes you unhappy, do you choose to stay or leave?
If I am unhappy, I will try to convince myself that I am not unhappy first before I ultimately leave.

4. What do you fear about leaving a bad job or a bad relationship?
I fear hurting people in the process.
5. What do you believe is possible for you?
Anything I put my mind to. That which I follow through on.
6. What have you done in your life that you are most proud of?
Their names are Liliuokalani and Idania.
7. W…

What of it?

What of Sparks? What happens to them? Do they flicker and die? Or do they resurrect?
What of chemistry? Is it just inevitable? Will it unavoidably explode simply by virtue of its ingredients? Or it is just an experiment?
What of morals? Or the lack thereof, rather The willful ignorance of it that spurs guilt Or is it just useless human judgment?
What of love? Is it even real? Is it simple or is it complicated? Or is it just a sweet, old-fashioned notion? (Tina girl, Amirite?)
What of questions? Where the answers evade discovery And the heart sinks deeper Deeper, and further away.

Rusty

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Just finished some work that has been doing my head in the last few days. It was like pulling teeth to start, progress and finish, and I’m pissed at myself because I am usually far more productive and efficient. I am feeling disgustingly rusty, and to make matters worse, I am giving way fewer fucks these days which means the usual things that motivate me (the fear of failure, the weight of the world, savior complex) are not working their usual magic. Dramatic much? Yes, and IDGAF #Extra

ANYWAYS. It’s done. Thank fuck.

Problem now is: it’s 12.30am and my brain is wide awake. Mostly in frustration that that took me so long.

Note to self: A rusty bitch is a basic bitch. Can you just stop wasting time agonizing and just go forth and slay. Please? Ok, good talk, now go and make me proud you badass!

So what does one do at 12.30am besides give myself overdue peptalks?

Well, not sleep obviously. Rusty bitches don't deserve sleep.  I am resisting the urge to complain some more. Excu…

You don't know

I know you know
That something's wrong

I see it in your annoyed glances
In your not so subtle hints
Which I gracefully curve and ignore

I know you know  That I'm somewhere else
But I doubt, that you really know.

Do you know
The emptiness I’ve felt for so long
That I die a little more each time you do that which hurts me That which you don't intend to hurt me, That shouldn't hurt me,  But hurts me anyway
Do you know
That I am disconnected
That I am haphazardly holding on
Clutching at straws, and reaching
Desperate for connection and understanding
At a basic human level

Do you know
That I love you
But I’m not sure that we are truly friends
I’m not even sure that if we weren’t “us”
Would we even be acquaintances?

I know that you know
That I seem distracted
I see it in your sullen eyes
I hear it in your snappy comebacks
As I pretend not to hear you
Silently screaming for you to see me,
To know me enough to save me

And swallowing the hurt in silence
Because fighting is futile And after all the fig…

Word

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Dear Life,
Stop perplexing me. 
KThanxBai

Damned

The truth is a damning thing.

It’s irrevocable. Unchangeable. Concrete.

What’s fluid is our human reaction to it. Or inaction.

We’re fickle beings, as we try to avoid facing our own reflections.

What to do. What to do.

When you know, that its over. That its wrong.

That we’re strangers, both denying each other what we both deserve.

But you just sit there watching it happen around you, to you.

We just keep performing the roles, we auditioned for.

The one’s we’ve been cast into.

On cue. On script.

Despite that you know, it’s all a thinly veiled lie.

A fa├žade poorly disguising the fact that, its just over.

It’s just wrong.



I had a hunch today.

That you’re also tired of dancing to music you secretly hate.

A comment you let slip.

A stray look you gave.

That gave me a hunch, that there’s more you’re not saying.

And you’re tired too.

But too afraid to disturb the balance.

Neither willing.

Neither ready.

Refusing to unleash the inevitable, undoable chaos and pain that will ensue.



Or …

Movement is movement.

The morning has been productive, a welcome change to my recent apathy concerning work. Not that I haven’t been working, I just haven’t had the enthusiasm or passion that I’m used to having about it. One minute I’m drowning in it, the next I’m thirsty for it. That stupid balance is so hard to find. I do feel it, that I am moving towards the right balance, even if it is an inch at a time. I guess, movement is movement. Better to have it than not at all.

We’re in a house finally, in a nice enough neighborhood. Thank God. The house is nicer than I thought we’d end up in after visiting no less than 30 houses in the last 2 weeks and dying a little each time I saw how cramped/ old/ noisy/ far away each house was. I gave my 6 year old a tour of the house and she approved, except when I showed her her room and she said with innocent surprise, “Mom? Why is my room not full of stuff?!” Lol Because I have to buy it, chile, give a bitch a minute will ya? I said, “I have to get your beds” She resp…

NZ Elections

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So it’s election day in NZ today, after the trauma I suffered following the US election, I have not been following the NZ election lead up, aside from reading the shade being flung from left to right on NZ Twitter. It’s clear though that the country is undecided about its future and there is an increasing divide in political views of people inching (or leaping) further right or further left. My very in depth analysis is derived primarily from the fact that in my family chat group, it’s apparent that everyone in my family in NZ is voting for a different party. And each person is fairly passionate about their party. Reasons for voting one way or the other have varied from:
“I watched the debates and I don’t like the leader, she seems like all talk and she doesn’t offer any real solutions. National is responsible for the strong economy NZ has, Labour will just screw it up again”

“Typical of rich people to vote National. We should vote Labour! The divide between rich and poor is getting…

Trying my hand at Twitter moments

I'm on here doing this, and worrying about the kids in Auckland because there isn't a ton of work to do here, or a house to furnish, or my entire life to get together over here. No, no real problems to face here, so let's create twitter moment, shall we. Yes, lets.
My housegirl tried it today - a moment https://t.co/qKoliMiMD2 — Fotu V. (@FotuV) September 21, 2017

Missing

That feeling of a heaviness in your chest.

Like a weight on the inside pulling you down.

Inducing frowns, and sighs and deep breaths.

A restlessness, a thick silence.

An emptiness.

It’s the feeling of missing.

Sacrifices and Cravings

Things I’ve sacrificed recently
Kitchen space – the size of my new kitchen is the size of the island in my old kitchen. Luckily, I’m more of a special occasion chef anyway, so it will suck for whoever is going to be cooking in there. Time with my kids – I was away from them a fair amount in my past life anyway, but once I had them 24-7, I feel like an idiot giving that up again because of my stupid decision to seek a new life on a whim.Peace of mind – In a quest to find it, I’ve lost it. I feel it coming back, and then I lose it again. Things I’m craving right now
More burn in my muscles – Destroy me on the outside, so I can feel less destroyed on the inside.  Like the lyric to a song I heard recently, "we say that love hurts but really, we love the pain." Also, because as my savage 6 year old reminded me, I should work out because I have a fat tummy. A slice of cake and glass of ice cold full cream milk – just because, cake is bae. And by bae, I mean, it's sweet, listens…

Grattitude

Things I could have done without today:
Stress
Hateful spew
Complaints

Things I am grateful for today:
Sunshine
A delicious bowl of ramen
That I did not turn into a Venus flytrap and carnivorously devour anybody whole today

Tomorrow is a new day, lets see how we fare.

Silence

We’ve barely had a coherent conversation.

As we sit in silence.

Our eyes betray us.

As they speak volumes.

Of pain and compromise.

Of being questioned, just for being who we are.

Of unintentional, yet unavoidable hurt.

We go through the motions.

“Navigating”

“Building this future”

Each wrapped in thoughts.

But neither speaking.

Both knowing.

Both wondering.

Is this stress?

Are we growing through this?

Or have we finally broken each other?

Both of us afraid to utter a word.

Silently protesting, not ready to give up.

Are we opposites that complete each other?

Or are we just, strangers who loved each other?

My truth and words cut you.

Your truth and ways leave me feeling alone and cold.

Neither intentional.

Both just being who we are.

Are we growing through this?

Or are we just sitting in silence.

Getting on with it

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I’m sitting in a coffee shop, waiting for an appointment in an hour and a half. I have, unfortunately returned to inferior Oahu after a magnificent weekend in Maui, the actual place of my birth (in my mind). Lol

That sad fact aside, it’s been an ok day. I was absolutely punished at Crossfit this morning. Now, I will never be a gym rat, but that shit felt good. If nothing else, I am enjoying being absolutely conquered by a workout, a gruesome reminder that I’ve been lazily getting by fitbitting and taking evening strolls. It’s been a long minute since Rita Fatialofa used to drive behind us honking the car horn at us as we ran 5 miles for the warm up. The only consolation to today’s workout was that I also had a maple walnut donut a few hours after the gym, not because I earned it, but just because the sky is blue and I wanted a damn donut. It was totes delicious.



I mean, isn't she beautiful?
We will hopefully close up a lease for a house today, and file some important immigration…

Maui, you nose!

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I can't stop gushing about the mesmerizing beauty of this place. Leikioa fo'i Oprah ia fia gofo i gei! Fun fact: so apparently Maui people are known for being "punose" (high minded) due to their belief that, "Maui no ka oi!" or "Maui is the best!". I have to say, after being here for an entire 24 hours,  I ain't even mad at that. As someone who is also nose about where I come from, I totally get it. I'd be nose AF if I were from here too.  Isu pea oe, Maui! 

Honolua Bay
Island of Lanai in the distance
Alii Kula Lavendar Farm

Sunset from West Lahaina
Kaheawa Windmills

Sunsets and sunrises

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I’ve been up for the last hour, working on the balcony, in complete darkness except for the wind and the light of my Macbook in face and the roar of the ocean all around me. The words and the work are flowing, like fucking finally. I’ve been at a bit of standstill with it for a minute. Who knew I needed a seabreeze in my face and the background noise of the ocean crashing to dislodge the writers block? Too fucking extra. Note to self: Pull yourself together and get on with it, woman.

So I’m waiting for the sun to rise, and I realize I’m on the west side of the island which is ideal for sunsets, but perhaps not so much for the sunrise.

Last night’s sunset was pretty epic. On that #nofilter #luckyweliveHI level. No wonder people use that dumb hashtag. I still think it’s dumb, but how can you not use it when the orange of the sun bathes the entire sky and ocean as it dips into the horizon? Nature is amazing.


I mean FFS, right? #hearteyes
I see a few lights coming on in the distance, I …

Oxymoron

I was everything and yet not enough.

I was swept away. No sweeping gesture.

Hating furiously. And not hating even a little bit, not even at all.

You are right. And yet so wrong

I am just wrong. And upset that you dare to defy me and do what is right.
I found myself in you. Now I am lost.

I was everything and yet not enough.

I am an oxymoron.

You are just a moron.

And I want to throw furniture at you from across the oceans.

To knock the sense out of you.

Stop being so stupidly right.

I hate you. Not even a little bit, not even at all.

I was everything and yet not enough.

Maui musings

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In a random, beautiful turn of events, we are in beautiful Maui for the weekend.  It sure is blissful here.  It's the perfect place for me to be this weekend. Far away. Quiet. Breezy. And surrounded by ocean. And alcohol.

We've only been here a few hours, and it's given me a sense of calm and chance to reflect (which I do far too often, but as you know, IDGAF)

The grind to settle into Hawaii has been, as expected, stressful, exciting, a whole series of heightened emotions that are exacerbated by the real life threats of having nowhere to live, and having not a very clear idea of what the future holds.

That said, we could be doing worse. We have some good housing options in the works, the immigration paperwork is on track, and the work side of things is, well still there at least.  I am having to adjust my expectations of how much house I can afford in this country compared to what I've become accustomed to.  If you know me, you'll know I don't deal well with no…