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Showing posts from 2017

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#Mood

Silver linings

As I glance back at the last few weeks, I think the silver lining has been that the time and trauma have inspired me to writing again. Even if it is mostly indulgent, depressing bullshit, I am glad to be taking pen to paper (digitally) on a more consistent basis.
The holiday was as I expected, not much of a holiday, but it was a clean break from my crazy life which only gave me the opportunity to find different things to bitch about like the cold weather, and hating my new haircut to distract me from confronting the real decisions I have to make like, what the hell I’m doing with my life?
I threw myself into keeping my children entertained, resigning that it was at least a worthy thing to be spending all my time, energy and money on. We did activities daily to the point where I decided to give myself a day off one day and my kids looked at me shocked at the prospect of staying home for the day. What do you think this is? Rich kids of Beverly Hills? Spoiled little brats.
I am now retu…

Back to basics

I've been wondering lately if the reason I'm so miserable is because I've been stuck in the mundane, stripped bare, back to basics. And it's confronting, to have to deal with just yourself and your thoughts. 
But what if, it's also deeply liberating to be stripped bare of labels and preconceived notions of who I ought to be, and what I should be doing. To be to walk away and be free. 
Perhaps if I look closer, doing just the basics, without the crowds or the lights is the where true strength and our authentic character lies. 
We find ourselves in the darkness of our own thoughts, when the limelight has dimmed and the applause has died. Therein lies, the true you. Will it break you? or will you silently rejoice in gratitude? 
The saying goes: if you're nobody without a gold medal, you'll be nobody with one.
So without gold and medals, who am I? 
Well if the last 2 weeks is anything to judge by, I am family grocery shopper and Uber driver.  I am impatient but lovin…

Misery

I'm kicking stones at the base of this pit of misery. Delaying. Trying to find time, to process. To properly deal. Trying to recalibrate. Trying to recenter.
I am... wallowing in this pit of misery. Trying to find myself, Amidst the pieces of my shattered enthusiasm and broken optimism that are strewn across the cold, damp floor.
Surrounded by family and love Yet all I feel is loneliness. As I lose myself, in myself.
The weather is like my insides, Wet and drab. Melancholy and tired.
The things that ought to comfort me. Seem shallow and empty. Like shadows that only hint, and never quite materialize. Like whispers lost in the gusts of a windy night.
I wander aimlessly within my mind. Seeking answers. Exploring questions. Searching fruitlessly, tiredly, miserably.
Finding nothing.

My Get your life together checklist

Buy laptopGet acrylic nails & hair didGet away & purge the past & return renewedDecide about new job option AFinalize moving plan AFigure out moving plan BFinalize new job option BFind new job option CSober up, lose weight and eat betterMaintain courage in convictions

Withdrawals

Cut off at the knees. Gaping wound. Bleeding out. 
Breathless. Gasping. Desperate, for air.
Seeking reprieve And restoration Thirsting for rest
Disoriented Unbalanced  Searching for my, wherewithal 
Focus Direction Where are you?





New day, same sleepless nights

It's 2.37am, and I'm finding it difficult to sleep. It could be that these overpriced hotel beds are not as comfortable as my Cali King Serta Sleeper + memory foam bed at home, or it could be my alcohol soaked body just doesn't know what's what anymore.  It could be the snoring or maybe it's the weight of the world on my forehead, as usual.
My mind is abuzz with thoughts, emotions and questions. 
What now?!
I had expected to feel an overwhelming sense of relief today, and yet here I am, still plagued with same hangovers and the same sleepless anxiety of yester-life.
I feel apprehension. Hesitation. Discomfort.
Perhaps this is the natural "cycle" of whatever the fuck I'm supposed to feel. Then again, I left my job, I'm not facing a death in the family. Although it sometimes feels that way. 
Why must I inebriate myself to the point of virtual sedation?! 
Why not? 
Yo, adulting is hard AF. Pass the vodka tonic. And make mine a double.
Decisions. Decisions. An…

A definitive guide to soup in American Samoa

Just because, the weather’s been gloomy, the kids have been sick, and just because few thing bring me joy more than talking about food, I am posting this today – my definitive guide to soup in American Samoa.
Disclaimer: I’m not that good at making soup, I don’t even really like soup, so this guide is not really a guide, nor is it definitive. I just like to write nonsense reviews about my limited culinary exploits. I know, you're welcome. 
Best Soup: DDW’s Slammin’ Saimin. This is just the right mix of hearty, comforting, satisfying (don't those all mean the same thing?) and just plain delicious. The broth is flavorful but not overpowering, and they serve it with fat saimin noodles (don’t know the proper name) and generous lashings of char siu pork, terayaki chicken and deep fried shrimp. Now, I am partial to breakfast, so it should come as no surprise that I eat this soup at least twice a month (no joke) and its been absolutely devastating to call them the last 2 Saturdays and…

Breathe.

I made a life changing decision this week. I cried for days before I made and I haven't slept since I made it. Suffice to say, it was difficult to make, but I ultimately know it's the right decision. It's the strangest thing though, as the feelings subside (and we all know I have a ton of damn feelings), I feel like I've awoken from a long, deep slumber and I've just gasped and taken the first deep breath of fresh air that I have in a long time. 

Things I never noticed, people I didn't talk to, things I always wanted to do but put on the back burner. For instance, I've hated karaoke my entire life. Well, apparently I don't? Who knew. I cared about the 7s scores for the first time in a long time.  I've had real conversations with friends, not just the flippant hi-bye variety. I'd forgotten how good those felt.  I am writing again.  I suddenly have not just the time but the space in mind and soul for them. It's as though I'm remembering who…

Dealing with Rejection

Rejection has been something of a theme in my recent past.
I strongly supported an idea that I cheered on and championed, only for it to be subsequently viciously and unceremoniously rejected.
I then spearheaded an opportunity that made fast progress, only to be abruptly rejected, after I had more or less popped the champagne that it was a done deal.
I have been fighting on my own and others behalf in a case where I simply feel the wrong thing is being done, and disagreement continues as we face the difficulty of being rejected by those whose responsibility it is to do the right thing by us.
The impact of these scenarios, has been to say the least, difficult. Or to be quite frank, it has been pure stinging devastation.
All the emotions of anger, sadness and indignation at life’s seeming cruelty have swept through my being repeatedly over the past few months.Those who have been tolerant enough to endure the purging of my emotions have continued to remind me that, “everything happens fo…

New Year notes

Why hello 2017! 

It's late but yesterday was my birthday, so technically my new year just started so my new year resolutions for my (ahem) 33rd year are to:
To be more mindful with my family. To do homework without yelling. To do marriage with less yelling.To take less bullshit, and to indulge more freely in the things that make me truly happy and fulfilled.To save money and remember that I enjoy financial freedom more than the latest whatever-I-don’t-need.To be clear on, and true to the vision for my life and career.  To write down the 5-year plan (again) and to do my best to not veer too far off course (again).To walk in faith, and remember that my plans may not always be His plans, but it will always work out. Wish me luck, and I wish you all luck too xo