Showing posts from 2009

The Frank Book

A piece I wrote about Pageants in Samoa got published last year, in Chapter 35 of The FRANK BOOK - a youth culture publication out of New York City.

The web version was updated today. Enjoy! (Or not - I couldn't care less) but here it is.

Weight Watching

I've discovered several things recently.

Kellogg's Special K - Protein Plus tastes like fricken CARDBOARD. Eck!

Several weeks ago, I embarked on a weight loss challenge because, well there's no pretty way about it, the size of my ass was just getting out of hand, I was feeling yucky. Oh, and it was becoming all too regular people asking me if I was "carrying".

So I've been exercising consistently - which I can get into - the hard part has been controlling what I've been eating. I spent many an hour researching diets and nutrition to find something that suited me and it's funny, if you read enough - pretty much EVERYTHING you eat is bad according to one diet expert or another. Don't eat fat, don't eat carbs, don't eat sugar, don't eat salt, don't eat fruits, don't eat red meat, don't eat too late, don't eat... AT ALL? Goddamnyoupeople!

Eventually - I decided to keep it simple - eat less, exercise more.  The exercise has been…

Tisa's Tattoo Fest

I know this is one of those instances where the saying "almost doesn't count" applies but in the weekend I came scarily close to volunteering to have myself permanently etched with ink. There's something immensely enticing about allowing yourself to bear permanent visible testimony to a decision at one point in your life. It's like a statement - this is who I am and I bear it proudly. It's almost intimidating in it's permanence, daring you - This is me. WHO ARE YOU??? Which of course makes those who get tattoos either immensely courageous or... just plain foolish. Whatever the motives, whether on a whim or meticulously planned, whether stenciled or free hand, by machine or traditional tools, it's undeniable that tatau/ tattooing in the Pacific exudes strength and mana, and the results are just incredibly beautiful.

In the weekend I attended Tisa's Tattoo Fest '09 at Tisa's Barefoot Bar on Alega Beach, on the East Side of Tutuila.

Some of m…

No work on Sundays.

It's a Sunday morning in Tutuila and I am enjoying the sounds of Sunday morning. The calm humming of my A/C unit and the hypnotic thrashing of the seas from the not so distant shoreline. I can see the wind moving through the trees outside my window and the sunshine piercing through the clouds like it does only on Sundays in Samoa. This is one of my favourite parts of my week, Sunday morning, doing nothing at all. No work on Sundays.
It's going on 5 months since I moved here and as I take a moment to think about it - It's been an intense time. This is thanks not only to the unforgiveable events of Sep. 29, 09 but just to life in general. 
Career wise - this is exactly the kind of assignment I was seeking. The kind that has me doing new things constantly, the kind with good mentors, the kind with lots of responsibility and lots of risk,  the kind that has reduced me to tears on occassion, the kind that pushes me to the proverbial edge of my potential and demands of me to dance…

Tsunami Chant

I got this in email recently. Feel free to add on and share. 
The evening bells have just rung for evening prayer.
Our prayer tonight is
that of gratitude
that our family and neighbours are safe.
But our hearts
are with those families
who can not say the same,
who will sleep tonight
without a son,
a daughter,
a mother,
a father,
an uncle,
an aunt,
a cousin.
Their loss is our loss.
Even the night birds feel it.
~ Sia Figel
Even the night birds feel it
your words
swim the sky
and through
red feather clouds
and blood tears
i know that we are
even in our disconnectedness
of space
~ Frances Koya

Even in our disconnectedness
of space
the whole of Samoa is on its knees
Samoa in Aotearoa
Samoa in Fiji
Samoa in Amerika
Samoa in Hawai'i
praying and
swallowing salt tears
swallowing time
shoes and soles of feet
swallowing bones and lives and sheet
memories of the day before Wednesday
swallowing distance and space
swallowing our sea memories
to taste this pain
that is ours
~ Selina T. Marsh
To taste this pain that is ours
To reme…


It's been just over 2 weeks since it happened. 
I've really had neither the time nor the gall to be able to properly say what's been going on since it happened because, well, I just couldn't. Words just feel inadequate to really convey it's impact on us all. 
The only obvious thing is this: Our lives are changed forever, because of it.

Today, a tsunami hit Samoa.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009
9:48 AM
Status: Sitting on a mountain-side. Shocked & Dreading.

Actually, to start from the beginning, I was laying naked on my bed, recovering after being sorely conquered by a stairmaster at the gym this morning when an earthquake, literally, shook my already fragile world.

It took a few seconds to register that it was an earthquake and not just my bearings playing tricks with me. I grudgingly took myself out of bed, wrapped myself in a sheet and stepped outside. Bloody Mother Nature interrupting my slumber. How rude.

In the half hour that followed, I moseyed around taking my sweet time in the shower, cooked and enjoyed a breakfast of eggs and spaghetti over toast, ironed my clothes and checked my phone as I got into the car to leave for work. There was a missed call, and a voicemail. I listened to a hectic voicemail message from a friend of mine from Samoa with lots of background noise: "... I'm calling to check if you're okay, I heard the…

Destiny's child audition tape - 1997

Beyonce looks and sounds the same now as at 15, don't you think?

Some bitches have all the luck.

Lol, ioe, chalus.

Courtesy of Kanye's Blog

Change, stilettos & immigration fraud

It’s been a truly long minute since I hated on men, complained about work, and just bitched in general about life on here. The reasons for my hiatus are varied in real importance and shock value ranging from the fact that I was the (guilty) suspect in a police investigation to the fact that I’m just kind of a lazy ass.

I write these lines in the dusty and now Swine flu infested streets of Apia, no mask on (what can I say, I'm living life on the edge) sucking on a Halls Defense lolly fighting off the remnants of lethargy from deportation and a three week long bout of a truly deathly stream of the flu and fever combo.

To start, I should mention that about two months ago, I broke up with my boyfriend, quit my job, moved out of the country and just generally decided that my life philosophy needed a revamp. Because whoever dreamt up the sap story that true love and an honest day’s work were a way to happiness is a complete dipshit. After rudely discovering the untruth in that crock of c…


“I was a veteran, before I was a teenager.”
- Michael Jackson

Independence 47 - A photo essay

Complete set here.


"Walk tall, or baby don't walk at all."

Love and Prayers for Luana

In the weekend, a friend of mine was critically injured in a horrific car accident.

It was a like jolt of shock when I found out. I'm still in disbelief and my heart is burning with love for this girl and her family. As soon as I found out I headed to the hospital hoping for the best, fearing the worst, and unsure of what to say or do. We arrived into a sea of sad eyes and heavy hearts of friends and loved ones, clinging desperately to each other in hope while a noticeable air of helplessness hung heavy in the damp morning air.

The outlook was not good. She had suffered immense injuries and was on life support.

We were afforded a precious moment to go in and see her. On the way in I met and hugged her older sister, feeling deeply for her and what she must be going through as a doctor and mostly, as a sister. We entered her corner of the HDU, she lay out covered chin high in a white sheet, the ominous sound of the life supported breathing echoing through the room. All around, tears …

Milk it.

Last night I watched the movie "Milk".

Great film. I recommend it.

My recommendation is not just an "up yours" to our national censor who banned this film from being screened in Samoa for no apparent reason other than his glaring personal prejudices. This film and more pointedly, the story and life of Harvey Milk are on it's own merits undoubtedly courageous and beautiful. Harvey Milk, after many failed attempts, became the first openly gay elected public official in the US in the 1970s.

He sought equal rights and opportunities for all, and his great love for the city and its people brings him backing from young and old, straight and gay, alike – at a time when prejudice and violence against gays was openly accepted as the norm. Milk served San Francisco well while lobbying for a citywide ordinance protecting people from being fired because of their orientation – and rallying support against a proposed statewide referendum to fire gay schoolteachers and their su…

The Emancipation of Sayuri.

I had a talk with my mother recently.

We talked about recent events in my life that caused me to really feel like I had been run over by a bulldozer and my heart was open being picked at by vultures.

Our conversation reminded me of a scene in a parody of Memoirs of a Geisha I'd seen where Geisha in training Sayuri complains to Mother about her difficulty in accomplishing the "stop a man in his tracks" look.

"But isss haaahrd," Sayuri cries.

Mother calmly looks up at her and say "Trrryyy haaaahrder."

The parody was the source of many laughs between friends and I when we first saw it online some years ago. And I find it ironic that I'm reminded of it in such a low moment in my life.

My mom basically listened as I tipped the well of my heart out told her how I felt.

I shared that despite that I had walked away from the scene of the crime, it didn't take away from the fact that I was obliterated by the whole experience and despite knowing that I s…

He said, she said.

I hate that word closure, you said.

Why? I asked.

Closure means the end of something, you said.

Closure means finding a sense of peace, I said.

Oh okay, you said.

What do you want, I said?

I want us, you said.

There is no more us, I said.

I want you, you said.

You had me, I said.

You had all of me, and everything I had to give. And then you had someone else, I reminded.

I'm sorry, I can't have that. I don't want that, I said.

"But I "prefer" to be with you," you said.

All I could think is, fuck if I care what you prefer.

How can we share so much and you know so little about what I need?

And if you know, how could you do so little about it?

Do nothing.

Your actions scream at me louder than your words ever did.

And your words.

If all I am after all of this, is your preference.

Go fuck yourself.

I hurt.

I'm swimming in chandeliers and champagne flutes.
Adorned in admiration and accolades.
High heels and high class.
The world, my oyster.
Success, my aphrodisiac.
It's trappings, at my manicured fingertips.
Yet my eyes glaze over it.
Yet, I'm short of air.
Feels like my own hand clenched around my heart.
Depriving me of blood.
Protecting me from the world.
Crushing me in the process.
I feel boxed in.
By a tightness in my chest, that won't let up.

Mwuahahaha.. . . .

I laugh in the face of difficult situations.

Actually, I lie.

I cried my eyes out into the fucking Vaisigano river.

I burned the pages of my memory that were littered with meaningless, empty images of a pipedream.

I cursed cheating, hating, lying bastard mother fuckers to a slow, burning death.

I screamed every expletive under the sun until I was so tired I couldn't even think "fuck you".

Only after that, could I turn my puffy, angry eyes to pay a glance to the face of difficult situations.

Life is a goddamn bitch.

Drip feeding you with blips of meaningless joy.

Blinding you with false hope.

Only to stampede all over the foundations of your dream.

Unsettling your mirage.

Leaving only dust, and vapour.

Both of which settle and disappear.

To leave you alone.

In piercing heat of the unforgiving sun.

Searing your skin.

Life is a fucking barbeque of broken hearts and laughable optimism.

And I am laughing desperately in it's face.


Keep on keeping on.
Throwing myself at work.
To keep busy.
Afraid to stop.
Afraid to face the sound.
The deafening silence.
Must keep moving.
Engaged in the motions.
Overwhelm my mind with work.
Just to forget.
Must keep moving.
Don't want to face the truth.
The despairingly painful.
Lonely truth.
Must go faster.
Go farther.
Go away.
From you.


Tears etch a path down my face
Sucking the dryness out of my pores
Wearing tracks down my skin.
They gushing endlessly
From the poisoned well that is my love.

Knee deep in anger and self loathing.
Waist deep in hurt and resounding shock.
Drenched in questions and double takes.
Drowning in useless, merciless tears.

What a world of fools, I live in.
A world of dashed hopes and capped dreams.
A world of disappointment and un-done ideals.
Of misplaced faith and unsound investments.
Of thankless giving.
Of sin.

Oh, what a fool.


Too much has happened since last writing here.

I'd go through it, but I'm dizzy just thinking about it.

Most of it evolves around the following two points of fact:
Point one being - that I've thrown myself at carving a career out of the slothful slumber at work. This of course induces a great deal of fire breathing and martinis, to you know, repair the broken spirit and re-ignite my jaded optimism.The second point being, that the lovely man on whom I take my workplace induced fire-breathing out on, still calls me darling. I like a resilient man.
This coming week is quite crucial to both of these points. I'm nowhere near sound minded enough to give all the details buuuut, just quickly it involves a court case, miffed parents, a job offer, a possible move, getting fat and possibly $45,000 to worry about.

None of which I think I can drink my way out of.

Ah, rats.


Can always count on my knee-jerk cynicism to find a solution when I'm in a pickle. And that solution us…


Jimmy Choo Samoa kid sandals.

That's hot.

Sent to you by Fotu via Google Reader: Jimmy Choo Samoa kid sandals via The Shoe Goddess by TheShoeGoddess on 3/4/09
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Marriage - what's the fuss?

Some interesting commentary on this piece on Marriage - what's the fuss? in Spasifik Magazine by Qiane (pronounced Key-r-neh) Corfield-Matata.

Some commentary

Interesting-thought provoking piece here. I'm 25, my partner has been married before, and while there's no pressure for us to deck out in white, don some bling in the name of sharing last names and a bathroom for the rest of our lives, truth be told, it's interesting to consider (innit!? lol). And while I'm no slave to tradition, I find myself in two minds about it.

While I respect (even condone) Qiane's view that your commitment to your loved one is either solid or not, irrespective of whether you have the party or not, I can't help but believe that, more has to be said for the act of marriage. After all, it's worth recognizing that it has been stupid choices (whether forced or otherwise) that make bad marriages, surely, that shouldn't take away from the importance and value of the act of marr…

Queen Vic in Samoa

So Queen Victoria has just left our shores, the cruise ship that is, not the ghost of an English Monarch, and I'm kicking myself at having not gotten some photos of the grand vessel when it was on our shores. Length wise, it was bigger than the wharf. Hehe. Friday day, Apia was crawling with white linen clad, sunscreen smeared, sweaty, pink cheeked tourists. I sat at Vaiala, enjoying a sandwich and the breeze in peace watching them walk past in droves, assumedly to find a sandy patch along Vaiala's merciless shore. Some smiled and waved as they walked past. Some just slowed down - probably negotiating beneath their Prada sunglasses whether it was safe to approach the hungry native - and then speeding up again on their course on perhaps Samoa's worst beach. Finally, a brave man wearing enough sun block to save him from not only melanoma but probably oxygen as well, slowed down and approached me. He hesitated then called out to me from a safe distance of about 10 feet "…

February 09 already?!

So, it's been a long minute since my last post. I have a myriad of excuses for my absence a number of them teetering on the edge of valid but the majority of them guises for my downright laziness. Teehee.

Well to the stale obvious, it's '09 bitches, and when I say bitches I do of course mean, myself.  Looking at my last post it seems I left '08 on a bit of a sour note, yes, I have that effect on people. It's quite an acquired skill. :) I will say that I did in fact get over myself since then. (If only sporadically)

Well I'm tempted to give a lengthy life update, but being the lazy tart that I am, I'll just copy paste something I was trying to unsuccessfully post on Facebook.

Which of course, will set the tone for '09 by shedding pretty much zero additional light on what I want in life. Ah, life. Bless life.  

25 Random things about me.

1. I was born on the cusp of Capricorn and Aquarius. I'm sure your lives are all enriched now that you know that :)