Best

I often say, that I am all I am because of you.
If you didn't push me, if you didn't scold me
I would never try so hard to be the best.
The best, that's me. That's who I am.
By your definition. And has become my definition.

The truth is, you set that expectation.
Be the best - was the standard. Not do your best.
Memories of screaming and beating at second place in exams.
After all, the only time you noticed me was when I didn't come first in class.
When I didn't get a straight A report. When I almost didn't graduate.

When I did come first, it was just the norm. Good job. Pat on the back.
My graduation certificates gather dust, in a stack on the piano.
Then, you found my poems and you said "you're talented, you ungrateful little child."
I didn't expect a parade. Or perhaps I did. Twelve year olds like parades.
I don't know. Perhaps, I just wanted to feel "good enough".

Now I know, I still sound like that ungrateful child.
And some part of me is. But I write this, not to lay blame or spite you.
I write this to own this definition of who I am.
To understand it. To know why? And say - it's not you anymore. I own it.
I am not you. I am responsible for who I become.

Just as you are who you are.
A middle child. Unnoticed. Who gave nothing but the best. Unnoticed.
A young wife. Whose big dreams changed so abruptly when thrown into life.
A mother. Who hugs. Who is determined to love deeply and notice.
To notice nothing but the best.

So from the bottom of my best heart I thank you.
Were it not for you, I would not strive. I would not work.
I would not dream or expect of myself all that I do.
I hope that I am all that you want me to be.
And I hope that you'll realise that all that I give is my best, and it is all that I have.

I forgive you.

Comments

Miss C. said…
LOL. I was just complaining to Brian about having to achieve to please myself and the fam and wonderin why I couldn't just be a bum. Then I come over hear and read this. LOL. We really are B-whores.
Fotu said…
A whores girl. B snobs. A+ whores, if I can help myself. :)
Fotu said…
btw - no wonder we get along so well. we're both constantly plotting to take over the world. LOL

Thanks for hollerin'
juliacp said…
AHHH HELL NAH!!! you talkin' about MY mama!!! sigh.. fotu, i don't mean to sound creepy or anything, but if one day, a person comes out with this printed out and asks for your autograph.. don't freak! hell!..i'll even throw in a pair of shoes for it b/c honestly... this is about MY mom! the truth in this is is uncannily MY truth! PREACH!