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Showing posts from November, 2007

Master communicator.

Doing a masters in communications makes me wonder what the heck I'm going to do with myself after I'm done. I mean sure I have some idea, but.. seriously. The only real expectation one can have when they see MA (Communications) is that one might expect me to be a what? A master communicator. Ha! Whatever that is.

I was in correspondence with a seasoned Comm professor (a Doctor communicator) of mine recently trying to set up a meeting and even after a year of being in constant correspondence and being in his classes, he still gets my name wrong.

Ironic, yea.

Thanksgiving

Dear Ex,

You're sorry?

You're sorry.

(Sigh)

Well, don't be. Even though you should be. But you know what, I'm not.

As suckful and sordid as it was, I'm not sorry it happened. In fact, I'm thankful it happened. I didn't know what I wanted. Thanks to you, I know what I don't want.

I don't want someone who is sweet and funny and talks to me for hours on end, but doesn't mean a word they say. I don't want someone who forges a deep connection with me but is really pretty shallow. I don't want someone who loves me truly, but is indecisive, selfish and really only loves himself. I don't want good times, excitement, and butterflies that are founded on "hope", "maybe" and "tomorrow". I don't need someone that doesn't know a damn good thing when he's got it and then wants more.

You were pretty fucking selfish. And I was a damn fool to wait for it to end how it did. But whatever, it was easier to live in t…

Best

I often say, that I am all I am because of you.
If you didn't push me, if you didn't scold me
I would never try so hard to be the best.
The best, that's me. That's who I am.
By your definition. And has become my definition.

The truth is, you set that expectation.
Be the best - was the standard. Not do your best.
Memories of screaming and beating at second place in exams.
After all, the only time you noticed me was when I didn't come first in class.
When I didn't get a straight A report. When I almost didn't graduate.

When I did come first, it was just the norm. Good job. Pat on the back.
My graduation certificates gather dust, in a stack on the piano.
Then, you found my poems and you said "you're talented, you ungrateful little child."
I didn't expect a parade. Or perhaps I did. Twelve year olds like parades.
I don't know. Perhaps, I just wanted to feel "good enough".

Now I know, I still sound like that ungrateful child.
And some part of…

Ya know?

This I know.

It's got much less to do with what you know.
Then it is about how to know.
About having the confidence in your ability to know as much as the Asian/ Palagi/ older/ richer/ male person next to you or standing at the front of the classroom.
And about having the humility to know that you probably don't know it all. Not even nearly.
But most importantly, it's about having the sense to know that knowing it, does not equal doing anything about it.

What do you know?

Make Sense.

Emotional
Excuse me?! The indignation!
Isn't that lovely :):):) This taastes AMAZING!
A series of exclamations as my heightened senses throw me around on a particularly morose Monday.
Exhausting!... Melancholy... Depressed.
Coffee. Sweet. Sugar High. Giddy. Delicious.
I neither feel happy nor sad. I just feel.

Critical.
I'm questioning.
Making snap judgments
He's so arrogant. Who is he to know?
Oh I absolutely agree! It's like this one time...
What's the point? How does this apply outside of this room?
These bloody people don't know what they're on about!
I neither think right or wrong. I just think.

Identity
Your culture. My culture.
Where do we draw the line?
Well it depends. Who's drawing the line?
Accept me. Reject me.
Should I care what you think?
To whom should I matter?
To God? To mother? To teacher? To me?
I am neither this nor that. I just am.

So I'm kind of a survey whore.

Three things that scare me:
1 Loss
2 Disappointment
3 Alone

Three people who make me laugh:
1 Sister
2 Jimmy
3 Divas

Three Things I love:
1 Funny
2 Delicious
3 Family

Three Things I hate:
1 Ignorance
2 Liars
3 Doubt

Three things I don't understand:
1 Academicians
2 Vegans
3 Feminism

Three things on my desk:
1 Paper!
2 Phone
3 Clutter

Three things I'm doing right now:
1 Thinking
2 Waking up
3 Sitting

Three things I want to do before I die:
1 Achieve
2 Be crazy in love.
3 Give

Three things I can do:
1 Cook
2 Question
3 Laugh louder than everyone in the room (except Shelly)

Three ways to describe my personality:
1 Crazy
2 Fun
3 Grounded

Three things I can't do:
1 Stay in grad school longer than I have to
2 Bake like Grandma
3 Play an instrument

Sure signs you're going crazy.

You have the serenity prayer as your desktop wallpaper to abate your sporadic anxiety attacks as you spend all day reading through at least half a forest's worth of paper because you've decided to start your 40 page thesis from scratch, and THEN it's 7pm and you're sitting in class annoyed at having been made to interact with other beings and you look down to avert your eyes from shooting daggers and you notice... you're wearing different shoes!

LMAO.

Kefe ia se.

Moral of the story: When under pressure, be careful not to look like an airhead.

kid moment.

Today, my friend and i were browsing through an overpriced handicrafts store in downtown honolulu, you know the type? janet's. It's one of those stores that you don't want to take your naughty four year old into. It has lots of pretty little things that you want to touch and open and feel the texture, but you don't want to break. I think my friend and I saw a calabash (glorified wooden bowl) no bigger than a 2 liter container of ice cream on "sale" for about $375. I mean, ok it's pretty - but, do you lose weight if you eat out of it, come on! I should say though, as a poor student, eating with real cutlery rather than plastic forks is about the extent of my appreciation of the finer things in life right now but seriously, it looked like a wooden bowl to me.

So, I'm looking around, approving of the plumeria hand sanitiser I'd tried, and thinking how nice the fabric on the framed panoramic photographs were when I spot a display of little brown wo…

Fish Tale

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I found this out recently talking to an old friend of my Grandmother's who now lives here in Honolulu. She tells me stories of the old days.


Taufusi

A well known feature of Vaisala - is the swamp - the Taufusi. It's pure swamp, has been the vaikaele for the village for a long ass time up until we had water tanks and vai mai through the pipes. Which wasn't that much better. Some of my earliest memories are playing iga ve'a in amongst the reeds and marshes of the murky Taufusi with Seleni, Lupe and Seleisa, my neighbours.


Taufusi 2

So I just found out that the Taufusi - a swampy marsh by the coast in Vaisala was originally a fish pond. It was the first breeding pond for Tilapia in Samoa back in the 1960s (or thereabouts). And some mornings when after the high tides that overflowed from the ocean into the pond had subsided, the roads lay littered with fish.

That's it really. LoL


The beach by the Taufusi at low tide.

When she told me though, I had such a stark visual - th…

White flag, fai mai ai Dido.

Well, my homework is still up in the air. But I've decided it's Friday. Don't Feel Guilty About Not Doing Homework Friday, in fact. So here, have a party hat, wave a flag, blow a horn.

Toot toot.

Speaking of horns and flags, it's no secret I've been waving the "I like bad boys" banner and then consequently the "All men are assholes" flag for a while in defiance at all the disappointments dealt to me and every other woman from the Love Tarot of Life. Yes. That's me. The chick with the cute shoes waving the "Men are Evil Horny Assholes" flag. LoL! Lately though I've considered, what if... I'm wrong.

Seriously. WHAT IF, not every man out there is out to use lines, have cheap drunken sex (not that that's ever happened to me :P) to cultivate some half-assed excuse for a "relationship" and then disappear at length leaving girls with nothing but a series of hangovers and a reinforced belief in a self fulfilled prophec…

Stuck and Storming.

I'm 26 pages in, I'm theorising out of my ass and I'm stuck. I can't find a theory that "clicks" with what I want to look at. Bits and pieces of theories are informing my arguments where necessary buuuut... it's not coming together quite like I need it to. Perhaps my arguments are flawed. Argh.

I know it's simply because I'm not looking hard enough (there are theories for everything out there) and because I'm so hell bent on making this applied that I've decided on outcomes and am working backwards scouring literature to create theoretical foundations rather than the "proper" inductive approach of letting the questions, themes and answers "emerge" from the theory and data. Bad bad researcher deserves to get stuck. I can't be stuffed because grad school is seriously, stuffy enough as it is.

I've learned though, that much of what you learn in grad school you don't learn in the classroom. It's in discussi…

Spam for thought.

Spam sifting. Found this. Kinda cute. Thought to share.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

It is madness to hate all roses because you got scratched with one thorn,

to give up on your dreams because one didn’t come true,

to lose faith in prayers because one wasn’t answered,

to give up on your efforts because one of them failed,

to condemned all of your friends because one betrayed you,

not to believe in love because someone was unfaithful or didn’t love you back,

to throw away all your chances to be happy because you didn’t succeed on the first attempt..

Just don't ever give up.

Halloween '07

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Well, Halloween was utter craziness in Waikiki. After last year's equally crazy showdown I knew I had to make an event out of it this year. I found it a perfectly good excuse to buy a brand new pair of shoes which I can't stress enough to people that don't care just how AWESOME they are! So awesome that if it had rained... I would trolloped around Waikiki barefoot in my flaming pantyhose just so I wouldn't ruin the suede. That didn't eventuate, and probably wouldn't have after my upteenth glass of ghastly fluids mixed up by the psychadelic disco girl with the fake lashes. But alas, the point is, they are pretty fucking awesome. So there! :) I'll stop now. So I got decked out in devil wear (which is a stretch, I admit ;)) and hit town with some psychadelic disco dancers, a sheriff, a vampire, a mummy and an exchange student from the future to get in amongst the madness.

The night was a big colourful blurrr and I won't say much other than the fact that I …