I should just be a stripper.

I envy singers and tennis players who wake up every day doing what they love. They make damn good money. And they sleep easy at night. At least the ones on TV do.

The road to grad school has been paved with good intentions, expectations and acquired desires to pick a path and be damn good at something and make a difference. But what of desires? What of dreams? What of doing it for the love of it. If I woke up tomorrow and decided I wanted to dance for a living (which hold your sarcasm, it's a hypothetical, plus, pole dancers make damn good money! Ha!) would I have the courage to own it, tell my mother and go for it?

Recent conversation. What makes me smile. Good question. I've smiled for so long I can't remember why I do it. I smile because, it's selfish not to. I smile because I have the privilege of not living a life of tears and pain so quite frankly, how dare I not smile.

It crosses my mind that I'm just over-thinking it and I'm not applying myself enough to what I'm doing. I'm just not immersed in it enough to feel like I'm doing anything at all. But in hindsight, that's precisely what got me here. Just work hard, be good at it and the rest will fall into place. So I'm here. I'm good at it. Then why don't things feel "in place"? More and more, with nothing to do but mull over shit like, the path my life is taking (I can't just think about TV or something right?) I've realised how much my work defines me.

If I really wanted to, I could go and justify why I am here. I'm good at that too. Justifications. But you can't have the kind of schedule that I have and not get good sleep at night. How can there be no pressing deadlines, no family dramas, no man screwing with my head, no hovering money problems, no gossip-mongers, no hangovers. I mean, life is "good" right? Then why am I up at night thinking about it?

Self sabotage? Drama queen? Multiple personality disorder? Alcohol deficiency syndrome? Have I simply not had enough trial in my life to make me grateful? Take your psychosis pick.

My mother would tell me to read the bible and God will answer. God answers. Except he doesn't. I either need to join the Peace Corps. Or get some damn sleeping pills.

Ok, positive spin time. lol. (sigh) See Doubt as Opportunity. Opportunity to choose. That's probably the world's greatest luxury.

Choice.

Comments

Fotu said…
So we can trade shifts then? LoL. Can I borrow your hooker heels?

:)