She's 2!

My kid turns two today. Two years ago today, the two things I recall are, 1) blinding, searing pain, and 2) the relief I felt when I finally got that morphine injection after 27 hours of life altering labour. Oh, and of course seeing my daughter for the first time.

I remember feeling awkward and unsure of how I was going to tackle the gargantuan task of caring for this fragile bundle of perfection.  In retrospect, I suppose that was my first bitter taste of selflessness. The stark reality of having to put another human being’s needs before my own.  Definitely a foreign and scary concept for me!

In two short years, being her mom has taught me so much about life and love. Though I still blame her for never giving me back my body, for my severely depleted shoe budget, for making a good night’s sleep a thing of the past, I can truly say, (gulp), Children really are God’s greatest gift.

Things I've learned from being Lili's mommy:

1. Never buy crayons! Take it from my couches, my white walls & doors that have all being lovingly adorned with Lili-art. If your child is artistically inclined or (like me) you’re trying to keep them busy from tearing apart your house - buy water-based paint. It washes off, and is less likely to poison them should they swallow it. Which they most likely will.
2. I have a super-power: Patience. God gave mothers endless reserves of patience, because they need it.  Nothing like a screaming, fussy baby on a 4-hour red eye flight or being greeted by a cheeky grin holding a broken laptop screen to help you discover the new depths of your patience. 
3. I no longer exist in the eyes of my parents. Or rather I exist for the sole purpose of holding up the phone to facilitate Skype or to pay for airfares to facilitate face-to-face meetings between grandparents & granddaughter. Otherwise, I’m pretty much a non-factor.
4. Learn how to prioritize. When the going get’s tough (and believe me, it will, and quick!), get what needs doing done first.  Amazing as we mother's are - you will just not be able to do everything, all the time. So do what needs doing and the rest will be there tomorrow. My list of priorities is usually: keep the baby alive, work, oh and husband J. If nothing else, keep the baby alive. Eventually, she can work and look after you and your husband. 
5. I’m turning into my mother. I find myself saying things like, “You’re going to be a lawyer, a ea baby!” Lol. I also (like my mother) find it completely logical for a mother to be 100% in the know about every part of their child’s life. Lord help us both when she’s a teenager. 

Happy Birthday, my darling.

Love,

Mommy

Speaking up.

I’ve just come out of a 3-day Women’s Conference with the theme: Voices of Pacific Women.  I’ve never really considered myself a feminist or doubted my ability to speak up, so I didn’t expect to feel as inspired and uplifted as I was.

One of the panel discussions was on the impact of culture on business. A woman raised a question, which made me want to put pen to paper with my own thoughts on the matter. She prefaced her question with: Firstly, I apologize in advance for asking this question. Her question was: Don’t you think the Samoan culture discourages women from speaking up? Don’t you think Samoan culture contributes to women in abusive situations not being able to express their voices?

One of the ladies on the panel was a faletua, who replied with (effectively) – it’s not culture’s fault that people don’t speak up, it’s people’s abuse of the culture and it’s a reflection on man/ woman’s own weakness that gives the Samoan culture a bad name.

Nobody else responded to her question.

It’s left me pondering. How do I, as a fiercely proud Samoan woman reconcile the question of whether my beloved Samoan culture contributes to and perhaps even worsens the problem that Samoan women in abusive situations feel they cannot speak up?

It’s no secret: Samoans are a proud people.  We are a God fearing nation steeped in centuries of rich tradition passed down through generations.  We are fortunate and proud that our language, dance, traditional tools, clothing, medicine, art, foods, our way of life is largely preserved for us to impart to our children. We are self-governed, we own our lands, and we are forging our own future.  As a nation and as a culture, indeed, we have a lot to be proud of. As a Samoan, I think it is our natural instinct that if/ when the integrity of our culture is ever questioned that we fiercely defend it.  Though it seems arrogant/ ignorant, I believe that for many people, the notion that our revered and beloved culture is even remotely responsible for suppressing the voice of our women, or is responsible for leaving women in abusive situations is not only hard to swallow but absolute blasphemy. Also I believe the persona of the Samoan woman, is that she is strong and not short of confidence or voice.  We are the revered advisors, the actual force behind our husbands, fathers and families. We just let them think otherwise. So I think it’s also difficult to reconcile this version of the Samoan woman, with one whose voice is suppressed.

Growing up in Samoa, I was taught from a young age, to respect my parents, to speak when I’m spoken to, to do my chores without complaint, and if I felt like complaining to hold my tongue, and to generally know my place. While I’ve certainly grown up and I’ve lived my life as my own independent woman, I think there is still a part of me and probably other island women that have internalized this notion that silence is golden.

At least in my own experience, I would say being quiet, and not questioning authority, are values perpetuated by Samoan culture. I can’t deny that growing up I certainly knew that to question a decision of a person/ village council/ church leader of authority would result in a good whacking, being disowned, and a life of shame. As an educated woman and as an objective human being, I also can’t deny that abuse happens in Samoa. The growing number of instances being reported is just harrowing.

While I don’t think it’s culture’s fault that women don’t speak up, I can’t accept that being a proud Samoan is an excuse not to recognize the role that the culture is playing in suppressing women’s voices.

I think as Samoan men and women in the 21^st century it’s important to realize that culture has evolved to where we are today and will continue to evolve in a more accelerated manner due to the advent of technology.

I think it’s important to recognize that culture will change. Truly, change is the only constant there is and ever has been. Even as we try to maintain our culture, we are in fact re-creating it. Accepting that as a matter of fact, culture WILL change.  This doesn’t mean we are rejecting who we are or that we are spitting on the legacy of our forefathers (though it may feel like it). It doesn’t mean you have to start changing anything actually. It means that culture changes daily, with or without our consent. And more importantly it means that we have a choice to affect the culture of our children. It means that we have the power to evolve our culture into the desired culture for our future generations.

So as a proud Samoan, I think it’s important to recognize that there are aspects of our culture that contribute to negative things like discouraging women to speak up and step out. Undoubtedly, this is not unique to Samoan culture as it happens, probably everywhere the world. The key thing is, we need to create a culture where women in Samoa can speak up. How do we do this? I believe it starts with our fundamental roles as mothers, daughters, sisters, aunts and wives. We instill the value in our daughters, that they must exercise their voice. We instill in our sons, fathers, uncles and brothers that women’s voices are to be heard and respected. We lend ourselves to our sisters, girlfriends, and aunts, that when they speak up, we will receive them with open hearts and open arms and when they cannot speak up, we will speak for them.

Speaking up is less about opening your mouth than it is about opening your mind and opening the minds of the others.

Purge

Have done some revamping here on the blog layout. Taking the minimalist approach.

Something I’m trying to adopt in my life. Not only because I happen to have almost no furniture in my house. But also because I’ve been feeling lately that I need to purge myself of life’s meaningless excesses. (I know, deep right?) And I’m not just referring to the excess weight on my ass.  I’m referring to excess time wasted on working late hours and Facebook. The excess meaningless small talk exchanged in the name of keeping up appearances.  The excess money spent on fulfilling other’s expectations and obligations. Or the excess self-imposed guilt swallowed at not fulfilling them.

What’s needed is a detox, of sorts. Or a double shot of vodka. I always confuse the two.

In any case, I’m taking a minimalist approach. And we’ll see what happens.

At home

I got home late today (again) to find my daughter already asleep. Sad face.

Tomorrow we are due to go to Savai'i. I will be my first trip home in almost two years. Such a far cry from ten years ago when I'd spend every holiday, and many weekends in Savai'i. It will be good to be home. 

I've realized lately, that I have such a warped sense of "home" these days. 

My husband and I maintain a "home" in American Samoa. In it's own synthetic way, it's home. Yet, my job requires that I spend weeks at a time in Samoa, my actual home. I've been here for about 6 weeks, one of my longest trips to my home away from my home away from home. 

Then there is the fact that my parents live in Auckland and because my family are there I certainly feel at home being amongst them at least once a year.

I have to smile at the irony that even though I'm "settled down" I'm still not quite able to just sit still. 

My daughter has travelled with me from American Samoa, to Samoa and to New Zealand ever since she was born. I wonder what sense of "home" I'm building for her. She's at the age where I'm thinking about pre-school and I'm not quite sure where it makes sense for her to go to school. The thought of enrolling her in a pre-school in both countries has seriously crossed my mind. Though, the threat of putting her through such a chaotic schedule and having two sets of teachers and friends at the whim of my job has stopped me, at least for now. 

I realize that ultimately the right thing to do may be to settle her into one "home."  For now though, I banish the thought of spending weeks away from her so I tow her along in my frequent travels. It's as though, having her with me makes me feel at home. Home is where the heart is, as they say, which if you're like me, is generally sitting in a car seat singing loudly. And then there's days like today when she's here with me at home, and I can't get home on time to enjoy time with her. 

I'm realizing this is an entirely selfish thing, but... - yea, I got nothing, I'm just selfish. 

I suppose this evolving concept of home is just that, representative of our changing lives. 

For now though, Today, I'm home, and I've been away from home for 6 weeks, and tomorrow I'm going home. I suppose the only truth that matters is that she's home with me.

Insta-updates

Ok so here's some updates of the past few months (because you've undoubtedly been waiting with bated breath for them, ahem). I'm presenting this the "efficient" way, via instagram pics. Here they are in no particular order.

Lili moment. One of many

The only grown up meal I've cooked for my family in the last 90 days.

My battery life on most days, and not just on my phone.

Sunrise on the morning of Samoa's 50th Independence. 'Twas a hot hot day.

I joined a weight loss challenge. The battle of the bulge continues.

This wasn't my coffee but only because mine are usually to-go.

UB40 Concert was, in a word - Epic. In three words - shitloads of work.

Went to the store to buy bread and came home with these instead. :-/

You know you need a break when you find solace in words of wisdom from the all knowing Kim Kardashian.

Driving Miss Crazy

So I'm driving home this morning and I find myself in a traffic jam (a rare occurrence on my side of town particularly on a Sunday). Several cars ahead of me there is a heated exchange between what appears to be a mother and her teenage daughter. All drivers in the cars in front of me are craning their necks out and squinting their eyes to get a piece of the action. I of course, join them.

The mother is in her car screaming at the daughter that is standing outside the open passenger door. After several minutes of a heated exchange Daughter slams the door shut and storms off and jumps in the car in front of the mothers with a guy in the drivers seat. The Daughter and the guy drive off with the mother racing after them in her car, bloody murder in her eyes.

For the rest of the drive home I start over analyzing the whole event. That guy was probably the daughters drug dealing boyfriend. Oh that poor poor mother. I start irrationally worrying about what my relationship with my kid will be like when she's a teenager. Lord help me!

I think about how grateful I am to have her and how she's taught me to love on a level I couldn't know was even possible. They love you and need you and then they grow up and turn on you. Aaaaaah, panic!

And then I find myself TALKING to my 1 year old in the back seat, who was too busy doodling on her writing pad to care about anything as trivial as traffic drama. I said, "If you EVER act like that girl did to mommy, mommy will kill you."

Oh boy.

They don't tell you in the books but motherhood makes you stark raving crazy.

Update

Consistent with my (not so) recent blogs my life is still a hundred miles an hour with not enough hours in my day & plenty of unchecked items in my overflowing To-Do List. That's what my life feels like at the moment, just one ever growing & incomplete To-Do List.

I'd list my problems but I'm really more a silver lining/ bright side/ focus on solutions kind of gal. Truth be told, I'm just spent. Too spent to even vent.

Lots has happened. Lili turned one, has a bunch of teeth and runs around now, so all shelves from the waist down are empty at my house. My cracked laptop screen is her latest victim. The biggest current challenge is trying to keep her little fingers out of grubby corners & out of the toilet bowl. Other than that and our constant search for babysitters (we are on number 4) she is healthy and well and has a penchant for getting what she wants particularly when her father is involved.

There's been more travelling, more work and, did I say more work? Visited the Norfolk Islands which was an interesting place populated with mostly honeymooners & retirees. Motto of the place is apparently "For the newlywed or the nearly dead." Lol

Married life is fine I suppose. Unsurprisingly routine. Can you tell I'm a tad annoyed with the husband at the moment? We'll end this here shall we. Lol

In summary, things are "fine" just busy and stressful. I'm certainly craving a change of pace and am getting no sense that is going to eventuate any day soon.

Sigh.

Anyways, alive on this end. Hoping things are good with all out there.

x

Conclusions from today:

1. I am utterly and despairingly in need of a vacation. A long drawn out, fully paid, far away from everything Vay. Cay. Tion.  On day 1 I will get rip roaring drunk. And then on days 2 - 30, I will sleep continuously. 

2. It's amazing what a lack of communication and assumptions can do to incite damage on a perfectly fine and functioning relationship. Amazing. 

3. There is a time to say, "Yes, I can." And a time to say "Fuck it, pass the vodka."

4. Sometimes the best action is to not be a part of the action. 

5. I need to watch more TV and to exercise more. 

6. Island hopping isn't all it's cracked up to be. 

7. When you stop making sense, leave the room. 

What love isn't.

Love isn't about giving up what you want "for your relationship". Your love isn't measured by what you sacrifice to make someone else happy. It's about compromise, yes. But that makes it a two way street. You have to be open to letting go of some of your things you want, but you also have the responsibility to yourself to ask - what the f*ck are you doing for me?! It's about giving up some of your wants, not compromising your convictions. Give a little. Get a little. Win some. Lose some. Not give up and lose yourself. Never lose yourself in love. Because, love isn't about giving up what you want "for your relationship".

Lili bites

• She has 9 teeth now, and bites like a piranha. 
• She's the center of attention everywhere we go, and rightly so. 
• She's up at 5am, like clockwork and likes to wake me up by clawing my eyes out. 
• "She's so cheeky," is what people most commonly say about her when they first meet her, and she is.
• Her favorite toys are my handbag, my phone and my Macbook Air. No interest whatsoever in Hello Kitty and Barbie. 
• One of her favorite things to do is slam the laptop shut in the middle of a Skype session with my parents. 
• She is not a fussy eater in that she will eat pretty much anything if you are not watching her like a hawk. Including millipedes and receipts from McDonald's.
• She can't walk and talk yet but I can already tell that she'll do plenty of both. Including walking all over her Daddy when she wants stuff. The way she manipulates him already to put her down, pick her up, put her down, pick her up - He doesn't stand a chance. 
• Poops and belches with the best of them. That's my girl.