Posts

Silver linings

As I glance back at the last few weeks, I think the silver lining has been that the time and trauma have inspired me to writing again. Even if it is mostly indulgent, depressing bullshit, I am glad to be taking pen to paper (digitally) on a more consistent basis.
The holiday was as I expected, not much of a holiday, but it was a clean break from my crazy life which only gave me the opportunity to find different things to bitch about like the cold weather, and hating my new haircut to distract me from confronting the real decisions I have to make like, what the hell I’m doing with my life?
I threw myself into keeping my children entertained, resigning that it was at least a worthy thing to be spending all my time, energy and money on. We did activities daily to the point where I decided to give myself a day off one day and my kids looked at me shocked at the prospect of staying home for the day. What do you think this is? Rich kids of Beverly Hills? Spoiled little brats.
I am now retu…

Back to basics

I've been wondering lately if the reason I'm so miserable is because I've been stuck in the mundane, stripped bare, back to basics. And it's confronting, to have to deal with just yourself and your thoughts. 
But what if, it's also deeply liberating to be stripped bare of labels and preconceived notions of who I ought to be, and what I should be doing. To be to walk away and be free. 
Perhaps if I look closer, doing just the basics, without the crowds or the lights is the where true strength and our authentic character lies. 
We find ourselves in the darkness of our own thoughts, when the limelight has dimmed and the applause has died. Therein lies, the true you. Will it break you? or will you silently rejoice in gratitude? 
The saying goes: if you're nobody without a gold medal, you'll be nobody with one.
So without gold and medals, who am I? 
Well if the last 2 weeks is anything to judge by, I am family grocery shopper and Uber driver.  I am impatient but lovin…

Misery

I'm kicking stones at the base of this pit of misery. Delaying. Trying to find time, to process. To properly deal. Trying to recalibrate. Trying to recenter.
I am... wallowing in this pit of misery. Trying to find myself, Amidst the pieces of my shattered enthusiasm and broken optimism that are strewn across the cold, damp floor.
Surrounded by family and love Yet all I feel is loneliness. As I lose myself, in myself.
The weather is like my insides, Wet and drab. Melancholy and tired.
The things that ought to comfort me. Seem shallow and empty. Like shadows that only hint, and never quite materialize. Like whispers lost in the gusts of a windy night.
I wander aimlessly within my mind. Seeking answers. Exploring questions. Searching fruitlessly, tiredly, miserably.
Finding nothing.

My Get your life together checklist

Buy laptopGet acrylic nails & hair didGet away & purge the past & return renewedDecide about new job option AFinalize moving plan AFigure out moving plan BFinalize new job option BFind new job option CSober up, lose weight and eat betterMaintain courage in convictions

Withdrawals

Cut off at the knees. Gaping wound. Bleeding out. 
Breathless. Gasping. Desperate, for air.
Seeking reprieve And restoration Thirsting for rest
Disoriented Unbalanced  Searching for my, wherewithal 
Focus Direction Where are you?





New day, same sleepless nights

It's 2.37am, and I'm finding it difficult to sleep. It could be that these overpriced hotel beds are not as comfortable as my Cali King Serta Sleeper + memory foam bed at home, or it could be my alcohol soaked body just doesn't know what's what anymore.  It could be the snoring or maybe it's the weight of the world on my forehead, as usual.
My mind is abuzz with thoughts, emotions and questions. 
What now?!
I had expected to feel an overwhelming sense of relief today, and yet here I am, still plagued with same hangovers and the same sleepless anxiety of yester-life.
I feel apprehension. Hesitation. Discomfort.
Perhaps this is the natural "cycle" of whatever the fuck I'm supposed to feel. Then again, I left my job, I'm not facing a death in the family. Although it sometimes feels that way. 
Why must I inebriate myself to the point of virtual sedation?! 
Why not? 
Yo, adulting is hard AF. Pass the vodka tonic. And make mine a double.
Decisions. Decisions. An…